1. The Welsh

Enough said I think!

2. Smoking tables in restaurants.

Having been specifically asked if I want to smoke on entering, you wouldn’t think that it would be to much to expect to see an ashtray on the bloody table you are shown to. No chance mate, I will always have to request an ashtray to accompany my filthy habit. I don’t find the same thing when asking for the toilet. I am never shown to a room marked toilet but devoid of one, it’s generally there awaiting my donation. This of course all falls apart if you are in France when you are shown to a hole in the ground and expected to recreate the exploits of Bomber Harris delivering his deadly payloads with equally deadly accuracy over the streets of Berlin.

 Yeah, Right! I'll use it - NOT.

But then the French are filthy animals in this respect and lets not even discuss Istanbul shall we.

3. Food that hasn’t had the decency to grow itself a face.

We are not talking about peas and runner beans here; the lack of a face in the vegetable world is excused. Indeed the very idea of a piece of rhubarb looking at me woefully before it joins my tasty desert would disturb me.

No we are referring to creatures, and more specifically those that live under the sea. How anybody can possible choose to eat a mussel, whelk or oyster etc is beyond me. These gelatinous blobs of gloop do not deserve to be regarded as living things never mind be consumed in the belly of mankind. The benchmark is simple, it must have had a face, doesn’t have to have had a pretty one, but it must have had a face.

3. Telly Commercials & Volume

I take considerable exception to the fact that my television stations have taken it upon themselves to increase the volume they broadcast their commercials at. Do they really think that I have not noticed this fact? I mean its almost deafening at times, the supposedly magical virtues of some toilet bowel cleaner being broadcast to the whole community in which I live at a volume to rival that of Brian Blessed. (Sorry any non UK people reading this if you don’t know who Brian Blessed is for your lives are surely the more worthless for the omission of this experience, the man's a bloody god.)

Is it even legal? I understand that subliminal advertising was banned following experiments in the 60’s which must have worked, how else would you explain the popularity of Tommy Steel. Is this not a form of anti-subliminal advertising, "were not allowed to be subtle so we’ll shout at the buggers"?

Well I hate it and live for the day when some bright spark invents a device that can attach to my telly, mute the commercial and play the sound of horses frolicking together in the morning sun until my programme returns. Or failing that perhaps the speeches of Margaret Thatcher, I don’t know, any farmyard animal will do really!

4. Microsoft

I don’t personally have much of a problem with Microsoft buts it appears to be trendy to do so; I therefore include it in this list.

5. Motorway Service Stations

Their food is overpriced, undercooked, undersized, badly served swill. Have I made myself clear on this one? I believe that I have.

Do the operators of these establishments believe for one hot moment that any right minded person would ever venture into their culinary hell holes if there located on a high street for example, NO. We use them because were bloody hungry and trapped on the motorway with no alternative options available to us. I have come close to chewing my own arm off rather then sample more of their dam swill I can tell you.

Burn people, burn dam you.

6. British Tabloid Newspapers (News? Hah!)

Good God, how anybody can actually regard these square pictured pieces of bathroom tissue (bog roll for the UK readers) as bearers of news is incredible. Since when has the sight of some tennis player’s knickers been considered news? There can be anything up to 15 wars and conflicts in progress, a breakthrough in cancer relief, the release of a long term political prisoner, the discovery of intelligent life in the North of England even, but no. These mammoth events will be eclipsed by fact that some bright Johnny of a photographer has managed to worm his way up a beach and snapped a fuzzy picture of the Queen’s Mum’s tits. Well great, that will make me a more informed person as I make my merry way through life.

The real shame here however is that we quite simply don’t have to buy this dross (I don’t by the way), but the great unwashed in the UK do, and in their millions. The simple fact is if the papers didn’t sell millions of copies each time they snapped some unfortunate female celebrity taking less than prudent care whilst exiting her limo, they wouldn’t print it in the first place.

Question what you read people, they are biased, and when they are not being biased they are lying, and have been caught time and time again doing so. They propagate racism and nationalist ideals and worst of all, there a shit read.  

7. Eskimos

I don’t actually have a particular problem with Eskimos as such, indeed I’ve never met one. It might be better to say that whilst they don’t make me go Oooooh, they do make me go Err! They are not indigenous to the region in which they habit, no humans were, so why oh why did the first ones choose to settle there. I understand that it is generally accepted that human life started in the African/Middle Eastern area as we know it today and they moved north as time progressed in search of food and a little bit of elbow room to house the expanding human race and its many elbows.

You would have thought that at one point or another somebody would have said "lets go back down a bit, its getting bloody cold and life is becoming harder and harder".

But no, instead they dig holes in the ice to look for fish, dig holes in the ice to make houses and spend their leisure time thinking up more words for snow.

I mean it’s commendable that they managed to survive, good on them. But if I were to suggest that I deserved some form of accolade for surviving in a tar pit for thirty days and thirty nights I’m sure at least one person would ask why I got in the dam thing in the first place. Wouldn’t they? At the very least I would expect someone to enquire why I didn’t depart its sticky unpleasantness at an earlier opportunity.

There apparent total lack of any history bothers me a tad too, but each to their own.

8. Branded Sheep

What are branded sheep I hear you enquire. Well if you are reading this in your Nike trainers or with a CK T-shirt wrapping your firm young…. Oops sorry, ill start again. …. Or with a CK T-shirt on, then you are possibly a branded sheep my friend.

Do you believe that the presence of a single word in ink on your left tit or a label attached to your arse in any way enhances your character, intelligence or status in the world, No? Then why did you spend an extra 30-50% on the crap in the first place? "Its fashionable" I hear you cry.

I take exception to this excuse for the following reason, if the definition of fashion is to look like everybody else what does uniform mean. If you can honestly tell me that you prefer the branded item for some practicable reason, "it’s more durable" or even if you tell me that you know there is no real difference between the branded and unbranded version but you "don’t care" then good on you, you do what you want.

I'm writing to the many whom insist that there is some magical difference between a pair of Levi’s made by some poor Asian girl in a sweatshop and the unbranded version made by some poor girl in a Asian sweatshop. There is indeed a difference, Levi’s take more of your hard-earned dough off you suckers.

Come on people, dare to be different. That alone will identify the true quality of your character. Because at the moment, to be quite honest, I look at you all and laugh.

9. Tom Jones

God’s Teeth, how did he get in this list. He doesn’t make me go Ooooh, the man's a genius, and may he never grow old. Now read on people and sorry for the error.

10. Squeegee Scum

Right I’m sure that most nations have their versions of these parasites, they are the spawn of Satan’s butt hole that leap out on you when you stop at a road junction and throw filthy water all over your windscreen and then demand money from you, incredible!

What in God’s name makes them think that this even remotely constitutes a service for which I would make payment is outside my comprehension.

Can you imagine being located on the toilet and enjoying the dying moments of a particularly satisfying Havana sized discharge when up pops some little bugger from under the door. Armed with a rag that has seen the bad side of a thousand butts he commences to wipe and "clean" with reckless abandon for your own thoughts and desires on the subject.

What little detritus there was in the vicinity of your "portal of a thousand comedic sounds" has now been smeared every which way but loose, and to repeat myself, he feels that payment is actually justified for his valuable contribution to your personal hygiene.

I say "NO" my friend, if my butt requires attention more demanding than that afforded by own dexterous digits, some bright soul invented the perfect solution, a Mr Beeday if I recall?

Likewise if I want my windscreen cleaned by something other than my own fair hand I will elect to utilise the services of a machine specifically designed for the purpose, a car wash.

I don’t take kindly to people descending like vultures who perform a "service", and badly, that I have not requested in the first place.

11. The Phrase "The luck of the Irish"

Quite simply can anyone provide me with an example please, cos at this moment I don't think that they have actually been that lucky, do you?

(Since writing this it has been pointed out to me that they are separated from Wales by quite a lot of water, which I must agree is quite lucky.)

12. Stephen Hawkins

Now don't start having a pop at me for having a pop at him, because I'm not really.

You see the thing that bothers me about Stephen isn't really him at all. You see I know that he's a clever bloke, the problem is I don't actually know what he's clever for. To the best of my knowledge he's not invented anything, indeed it would appear that he would be unable to tell me why he's so bright without the aid of devices that were invented by others. And that's it in a nut shell really, I know he's a clever bastard but I'm not clever enough to know why, and it bothers me.

12. Inconsiderate Bastards, disabled parking and the use of...

Of the many things that get my gander, and there are a few I admit as you can see, few things piss me off more than this. I am happy to report that I have full use of all my limbs and the majority of my brain cells. (Obviously this statement falls apart after a healthy bottle or five of the old Newcastle Brown Ale)

Of the many wonderful things that I can do with my limbs surely one of the most vital is the ability to walk from my vehicle parking space to my destination of choice, Oh I don't know, say a nice cake shop for example. So, why is it then that some inconsiderate git of a turd who, like me, has full mobility feels that he is so dam important he can park in a space reserved for those less able than himself, or herself as it's not just us blokes who transgress this one.

You ponces make some other bugger whose less able than yourself have a slightly shittier day as a result of your actions, knock it off.