A note from your Editor, Shagnasty:

Greetings my brothers and only friends and welcome to this the 1st issue of the POC or Penis Owner Club. What the hell is it I hear you exclaim. Well basically it's just a bit of silliness, your silliness if you want, contribute, flame me, praise me or just ignore me. It will be a monthly (more or less) thing dedicated to those persons who have chosen to make the greatest of all purchases, yes a Penis. If you own one, this this is your club. (If you don't own one but have access to one at the weekends for example, then you can join too, OK.)

Articles, humor, questions and answers, I'm going to try to cater for every penis owners needs and interests. It's going to start small but with your help and encouragement hopefully it will grow, [pun-alert].

Lets face it there are a lot of penis owners out there! In marketing terms the penis dollar is a big dollar.

A quick index is provided below to allow you to get to your favorite bit without having to read the stuff that you don't like or you can just make your way through the site all casual like. You are encouraged to send in your submissions using the feedback link. Getting in print wont be easy, you'll have to send in something worthy but success will bring rewards and will truly identify the quality of your character.

Your regular contributors are: -

Shagnasty	Demonic Dave	Tangent Man
(CV)	(CV)	(CV)

Get to know them, they may effect you more than you know.

Enjoy!

Shagnasty's Big Serious One:
Cycling & the hidden dangers to your dick!

Shagnasty's Rant: This months topic, The misuse of the word "FREE".

Shagnasty's two-word Revue: The film "Pretty Woman" gets the treatment.

Penis Stuff from around the world: It's the German's this month. (Poor Sods!)

Rolf Harris: Pay homage one and all for this man is truly a God.

Demonic's Religious Comment: Who's turn is it this month.

Ian's Tangent: Technical questions answered. Sort of!

Shagnasty's Perfect Moment: This month, a sofa makes the day.

UK appeals to US: Help us, in the name of God help us.

Readers Feedback: Your comments in print.

Sponsors: Another name for advertisements people, well you cant blame me for trying can you?

Guest Contributor: This space reserved for a future issue. Want it?, let me know then. Send in your stuff so I may have a gander.

Penis Fancy Dress: This issue, we go all African on you and help you to create a look that will be the envy of your peers.

Shagnasty's Rant

Sorry people but it's got to be done.

Free! Now the dictionary defines this as [costing nothing] "reasonable" I hear you cry, "yeah I'd agree with that."

Why is it the case then that companies can offer free services for which they then expect you to part with cash to receive. Whilst looking for a site to host this page one of those exposed below offered to host it for free, once I had parted with $50.00 that is. In other words its not free.
The UK's national telephone provider offers free internet access, after you pay a monthly charge of £30.00 of course. In other words its not free.
The most recent offender is British Gas who have announced with great pomp and circumstances that they are going to drop the normal service charge from our gas bills - soon. In other words, we still have to pay. How bloody long is soon, I may suggest to them that I will be paying my next bill soon as see what definition they give it then.

Many things are free but still have a price attached to them don't they. A punch in the nose is free; for example you could walk into any bar in Glasgow and shout "Kilts, skirts more like, you're nothing but a bunch of girlies" I am of the opinion that you would immediately receive several punches in the nose for which no payment would be asked. There is a price to pay however, in this example probably extreme pain and the requirement to walk home wearing several pint glasses within your anus being the most likely, in this scenario anyway.

I say challenge these lying buggers, write to them and offer them a description of the word FREE, or indeed a punch on the nose for that matter.

This issues list of offenders are: -

British Telecom - Offers the UK free internet access for £30.00 per month, Doh!
Free Hostin.com - Web hosting - Will host your site free, in return for $50.00
British Gas - Gas with no monthly service charge - Soon!

Shagnasty Says: If it's free people then shout about it. If however it's just bare arse cheap, then say it's bare arse cheap, well respect you all the more believe me.

Got a rant of your own?

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Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

Pretty Woman

" IT'S SHIT "

Now I would have loved to have made some comment on how the film is a metaphor on the social existence and differences between the classes in a modern United States, but I cant, it's just shit.

It would have been nice even to suggest that Julia Roberts' performance accurately portrayed the struggle of an average street girl and her effect on a rich company executive, but I cant, it's just shit.

Can I make a comment on how the audience is drawn into the emotional desires of the lead characters, joining in their wishes and reservations as their relationship develops. No I cant, It's shit.

I am sorry people I really am, but this film is shit on every level, the only possible exception being the bloke who played the hotel manager, he was kind of cool In a way I suppose.

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Germans too small for condoms?
Ja, says Munich's Focus magazine. Compared to the rest of Europe, one size does not fit all.
By J.A. Getzlaff

March 6, 2000 | "Too big" was the pronouncement of the Munich magazine Focus, in a recent article about German genitalia. Sadly for the men implicated, the article was talking about the size of standard European condoms, not the men who wear them.

In 1996, in order to promote economic and cultural exchange throughout Europe, the European Union decided upon a standard size of condom -- 6.63 inches in length and a range of 1.7 to 2.2 inches in width, to be exact.

According to Focus, a study conducted by the German condom manufacturer Condomi found that the standard European condom fell off of half of the men polled.

"The average German penis is about 3.5 to 4 millimeters (0.13 to 0.15 inches) too narrow for the standard EN 600 condom," said the magazine, proving once and for all that size really does matter.

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Shagnasty Says: Well I'm sorry but any nation that goes on about sausages in the way that the German's have must have had something to hide. We now know what it was don't we?

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.

Jehovah Witnesses

The World did not end, as you predicted, in 1874. Nor did it end in 1914 - which you also predicted.

You then promised that it would end in 1925 and when that failed to happen you promised us that the World would absolutely definitely end in 1975.

Face it guys - it's just not working is it. Knock on my door and frighten the children once more and I'll get really mean!

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Be warned!

Demonic operates outside of the control of the POC, he alone is responsible for his comments.

Every now and again everything comes together to give you one of those perfect moments. My most recent occurred at 14:25 hours on Thursday 9^th March 2000, the location was Commercial Road, East London, other wise known by the charming title - A13.

I’ll set the scene for you if I may.


It wasn’t warm in London, it was what we tend to call “mild”.
This is basically a generic term used to describe any weather condition that doesn’t result in your balls clanging together like a Newton’s Cradle.
So, it’s mild and I’m driving my car along with the window open taking in the air, even that wasn’t too repugnant on this particular day, things were looking good.
The radio was on and to my complete and total joy the sound of Aretha Franklin was a’ringing through my ears, a Marlboro light is hanging from my lips, the traffic is light and I’m looking at some lovely boats bobbing around in the Limehouse Basin marina.

“Surly that’s enough for any man” I hear you cry, “life just don’t get any better than that, does it?”

Well I would have agreed with you, but just as I was thinking, "I feel fine" I was overtaken by a leopard skin covered motorised sofa. Yes people, a piece of household furniture with two men reclined in apparent comfort cruised passed the outside of my car.

The driver, grasping a steering wheel made to look like a pizza, gave me a wink as he floated by. I watched transfixed as they continued down the road and away into the distance as I whispered to myself "Dam I love this city".

Want to share your perfect moment, click here.

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"Look at them, for God’s sake just look at em!"

People of the US, this is what we are expected to drive in the UK & Europe.

These are but a few example of the new range of tiny cars infesting our roads, we the nation that gave you the E-Type Jag is now forced to tolerate sharing tarmac with these, these, these creations. Surely they weren't so much designed as caught with a net strategically located just under Satan's bum hole.

We therefore implore you to invade our country and impose your rule upon us. Whilst these pictures are not shown as actual size, they’re not that far off dammit!

Some examples of the shit that is invading our roads. I know were a small country but...

A dam ugly car

Actual Size (Nearly!)

Nope, the addition of a nice wooden frame didn't help did it, Oh well. I Tried.

(& no it aint me, I'd be urinating on it if it were me)

Another dam ugly car

Want to make your own appeal, do it here.

I question the ability of either of these vehicles to actually contain the average American never mind pull itself along the road under power.

Would either of these sell in the US, hell yeah, you could keep two or three in your trunk in case you got a flat couldn’t you.

No, I’m sorry people but I can’t be expected to drive one of these things and I think that it’s a dam liberty to expect me to have to even have to gaze upon them on the road when driven by people who clearly have no taste what-so-ever.

I’ll wager the designer has been shot; he must have been, surely.

If you really are some sort of masochist and want more of those foul types of vehicles and other British examples of pure untreated design horrors, well if you really do, go here. (Have sick bag ready!!)

Shagnasty's Penis Fancy Dress

Right people, this issue’s penile fancy dress suggestion is a beauty, a true beauty. It combines all the majestic wonder that is the African continent with pure ease of creation.
Just a couple of minutes in the comfort of your own home and you’ll be ready to go to your fancy dress ball in moments happy that you look - like a fool.
Warning! Whilst the picture cannot be described as pornography, it does contain, lets face it, a picture of a penis. If you think that you might be offended, “don’t look Ethel”. It’s that simple.

Click here to view this issue’s creation.

Think you’ve got a better one?
Send it in then
Please note: This is not license for you to send me loads of penis pics people, they have to be creative. If I want to see a common or garden one, albeit slightly oversized, I'll look at mine OK.

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Rolf Harris Homage Zone

On your knees scum and tremble before greatness like the unworthy dogs that you know you are.

HRH (His Rolf Harris) awaits your quiet awe.

Stare at the picture and commence contemplation now for a period not lasting less than 4 minutes.

Rolf Watch: Have you spotted the Rolf, let me know. Share your fond Rolf memories and experiences with the group perhaps.

Don't know who Rolf is, well you might as well kill yourself now my friend for your life clearly contains a titan sized hole that cannot now be filled, it's too late for you. Say goodbye to your loved ones and depart this earth that you love so dear, do it quietly and without leaving a mess that others have to clean up please.

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Disclaimer & Stuff To Generally Cover my Butt.

Right I'm no legal dude but I'll try to cover my butt in here as much as I can!

Everything above is just a laugh, I cant guarantee the accuracy of anything that is included, indeed some of it is wholly untrue. Members of the POC are not obliged in any way to the POC and the POC has no obligations to them.

Nothing included in this site or it's associated pages can be reproduced without the express permission of the author. I have tried to credit all sources external to the POC but if you believe that you have been infringed upon in any way write to me and I will either give credit or remove it, whatever it may be.

Persons wishing to contribute to the POC will be assumed to have done so on the basis that there contribution is available to be used in any way that I choose, if this is not the case then you should clearly state so.

The e-mail address of persons contributing will not be made available to any organization, under any circumstances.

Err, that's it I think. Butt covered.

Are you a legal dude? Should I take this bit more seriously? Write and tell me.

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Shagnasty's April 2000 Penis Owner Club
Issue One (1)	Release Date: 1st April 2000		© penisowner.com 2000
Welcome to the World Wide Family of Penis Owners. Not a member? Welcome anyway but you can join here.
Penis Owner Club Web site		Penis Owners Manual
Previous Issues		Legal Stuff

Shagnasty's Rant

Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.

Tangent Man's Technology Explanation

Rolf Harris Homage Zone