A note from your Editor, Shagnasty:

Greetings once again my brothers and only friends, here is the 5th edition of the POC. An uninteresting month has passed by most measures I'm afraid to report. The number of POC members has increased considerably however, I'm not sure where they have all come from but I think that Yahoo has found the site and most herald from their search results. So, greetings to all those of you that obviously do Yahoo!
You may note below that I have thrown my ICQ open to you all, obviously if I get bombarded with weirdness I'll slam it shut again, but well see how it goes shall we. New members are encouraged to send in their comments and ideas along with the long standing troops. Most of all people, remember, enjoy! Oh yeah, one last thing. Last month was the 60th anniversary of The Battle of Britain, my thanks and respect to all the men, whatever their nationality, who fought and died over my skies.

Your regular contributors, as always are: -

Shagnasty	Demonic Dave	Tangent Man
info	info	info

They await you!

Enjoy!

Shagnasty's Big Serious One:
"Hold your fire until you see the whites of her eyes."

Shagnasty's Rant: McDonalds, why oh why do I eat this stuff?

Shagnasty's two-word Revue: Tom Cruise gets a review.

Penis Stuff from around the world: Malaysian brothels go undercover, using restaurants and homes as fronts.

What if my dog was called Penis?: Can you imagine naming your dog penis, if you did you would get to utter some great lines, such as...

Demonic's Religious Comment: The Anglican Clergy get a face full of Demonic.

Shagnasty Muses: This month, I'm gonna muse on Cyber Pets and Cyber Turds.

Shagnasty's Horoscope: Well, if you must make decisions based on this clap trap, at least make it someone you trust. ME!

UK appeals to US: Lets discuss hunting shall we? (Otherwise known as killing things!)

Penis File: This month a song for you. A dam funny one at that.

Sponsors: Another name for advertisements people, well you cant blame me for trying can you?

Competition Results: Last month we ran a little competition didn't we, who won, and what was the answer.

Readers Feedback: Your comments in print.

Monthly thought: -

Talk to a stranger

Shagnasty's Rant

Sorry people but it's got to be done. "McDonalds"

Note: - To the insidious and litigious corporate army of the Evil Beef Clown. The following text is not a statement of fact, it is my opinion based on my own experiences. If you wish to suppress my right to free speech please send mail using the following link -- “We don’t support free speech and wish to discuss this matter with you prior to bankrupting you.”

What is it about the tasteless lump of goo that McDonalds refer to as a hamburger that makes me constantly wave goodbye to all reason and personal standards and continue to eat the stuff? Each time I enter a McDonalds establishment I know that I stand little chance of being served by any person with even the smallest degree of competence, they will ask what I want and then provide my order within a brown paper bag sporting a picture of Mickey bloody Mouse smiling like a fool. Why is he smiling, well it’s because that he knows what’s in the bag bears little relationship with what I actually ordered. A quarter pounder will have been converted into a fillet’o’fish and a hash brown magically transformed into a portion of nuggets. I will of course be several miles away before I realise that I have been denied my meaty goodness.
The service is slow and surly, drive through windows are unmanned and you are then expected to drive around again as the person on the dispensing window couldn’t possibly take you order despite having ten tills behind him/her.
Whilst the above is bad enough we cant ignore the food itself can we now. Try this little test; order a plain burger (cross your fingers to increase your chances of actually receiving one and not a diet coke). Remove the substance I believe they call meat; it’s the brown/grey bit in the middle. Now without the bread or sauce to assist it have a bite, does that taste like any cow you’ve eaten? 100% beef it says, interested in what counts as beef I did a little research. It would appear that beef refers to ANYTHING that is recovered from a dead cow. Does this definition include the contents of its bowls at the time of its slaughter perhaps, I don’t know?
Despite all this I still eat the stuff, and I suspect that you do to. It’s not particularly fast, not really very convenient, and doesn’t taste very nice at all, yet I still continue to pay my money and eat the stuff. Why is a question that ranks, for me, alongside the answer to life the universe and everything and how do you fit a double quilt cover single-handed.
Don't even get me started on their fries!

Hey - BurgerKing, don't get to cocky, you aren't much better!

Got a rant of your own?

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Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

Tom Cruise

Actual Size - Nearly!
"Too Short"

I know that film is fantasy, its make believe and not really real, but, if I am to believe that there is an international organisation charging around the globe righting wrongs and performing missions that are a bit tricky then I'd be certain that there best agent would at least be substantial in the height department. I'm afraid that Tom Cruise doesn't fit this bill; he's just too short.

Similarly I have problems with him in cocktail. Have you seen how high some of those spirits are behind the average bar? Its all very well being able to spin bottles on your elbow but it sort of looses its effect if you have to keep asking your colleague to pass you the Malibu because it's to high to reach. Again, I'm sorry but he's too short.

Days of Thunder? Well if the average Nascar has a cushion on the drivers seat I suppose he might have managed to peer over the steering wheel to see where he was going. It doesn't explain how he managed to reach the pedals though, nah, he's too short.

He was in Born on the 4th of July wasn't he; Hmm was his character a tunnel rat? I don't recall, if he was then OK. I know that the US government wasn't too fussy about who was sent away to fight but I'm sure that there must have been a minimum height in which case he would most certainly have been too short.

A few Good Men? See above -- Too short!

I'll let him off with Top Gun however, all those G's must compress the average pilot's spine, I'll buy him in that role.

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Are you sure the fish special is all you want?
Malaysian brothels go undercover, using restaurants and homes as fronts.

- - - - - - - - - - - -
By Jack Boulware

July 21, 2000 | If you're thinking of visiting a hooker the next time you visit Malaysia, there's something you should know. These days, more and more johns in that country are strolling into restaurants and family homes to purchase their illicit sexual services. That's because, according to local vice police, prostitution rings have moved away from cities and are now using phony facades to house their thriving bordellos.

One such business in Cheras, the Restoran Fire Phoenix, looked and operated for all the world like a regular family restaurant -- that is, until the city's anti-vice unit raided the place last week, discovering the building to be a hotbed of sin. The first floor contained a bar and a karaoke lounge, and the second floor was divided into four bedrooms, where the term "dessert" obviously had another meaning entirely.

Eight prostitutes and 26 clients were arrested, along with seven restaurant workers who apparently were aware of the additional items on the menu.

In a similar bust, another operation was discovered to be operating from a three-bedroom family apartment in Gombak. Seven Thai women were taken into custody, along with 10 clients. According to local police, this business had used unprecedented degrees of camouflage. "The operators went to great trouble to disguise the apartment as a family home," city anti-vice chief Abdul Halim Yahya told news sources. "They left several pairs of children's shoes outside the apartment to hoodwink people."

Police are urging citizens of Malaysia to report any similar suspicious behavior and activities, especially at apartments with children's shoes outside the door. And actual family homes, where children's shoes are often placed outside, should be prepared for strange men to come knocking.

Shagnasty Says: Oh yes, now that's inventive. And of course the menu options are unlimited. "I'll have the large rump please madam" - "Breast or thigh sir?" - Thought of some more, tell me.

About the writer
Jack Boulware is a writer in San Francisco and author of "San Francisco Bizarro" and "Sex American Style."
July 21, 2000

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Shagnasty Muses
Morals & Cyber Pets & Cyber Turds
I awoke at a lazy 10 am Sunday morning, pulled open my sleepy eyes to see the hairy bitch lying across the end of my bed. "Good morning, shall I get your paper dear?" she asked. "Yeah if you wouldn't mind". "Not at all" she replies, "it's the least I can do after you gave me such a big bone last night, it was wonderful" With that she hopped of the bed and scampered across my floor returning moments later with the morning paper between her servo assisted jaws. For this hairy bitch wasn't in fact an Italian woman but my cyber pet terrier. Equipped with a powerful microprocessor, a database of gargantuan proportions and fully articulated and motorised legs, head and tail. My pet never needs feeding she just pops on to the charging bay once in a while, cyber turds are unheard of, she doesn't fight with the local cats and only sniffs crutches on my instruction. She also plays a dam good game of chess…
*[English literature teachers prepare to grimace]* …and then I woke up. Is the above so far fetched though, I have just been looking at the second generation of Sony's Aibo robot dog and I have some issues with these things and their inevitable development and propagation. Already Sony's creation is about to be joined by Panasonics robot bear and a furry robot cat designed to meet the needs of little old ladies who no longer possess the motor skills required to open a tin of Whiskas. The Aibo is remarkable, I wouldn't spend thousands on one myself, but then, as I have a raging pornography habit, I tend not to have much disposable money to throw around. Nevertheless, respect to Sony, spend a few minutes with an Aibo and you have a real sense that there is another sentient being in the room, even though the bio-scanner registers zero captain. With all the hoo-har (scientific term) that we've had recently about genetic engineering, the computer boffins have had an easy ride - yet what they're up to is every bit as sinister. Artificial intelligence throws up some terrible ethical dilemmas. Philosophy of mind suggests a central question "can computers think?" Without getting into the semiotic meaning-shifting that consumes so much of a philosopher's mind, the brief answer is "yes" Then philosopher's ask "can computers have consciousness?" To which the answer is "err, actually, what is consciousness?" Then some bright spark suggests that consciousness is a capacity for cognition coupled to an autonomous sense of self, the "I am" bit in "I think therefore I am". (Incidentally, this is why many philosophers have beards; their minds are too full of universal sized questions to apply themselves to mere trivialities like personal grooming.) The above used to science fiction stuff, is not just theory anymore it's a certainty. Turning off a next generation Aibo could have the same moral implications as tranquillising a poodle. Could owners be prosecuted for neglecting a cyber pet? Are silicon-based life forms the next stage of evolution on this planet? I'm a dam sight more scared of these questions that I was of the millennial meltdown that didn't happen. Woof, bloody woof!
Got a comment? - Click here to make it.

Horoscopes! How can anybody actually believe this crap?

The mere suggestion that anything in your life can be effected by what Mars and Jupiter were getting up to when you were born must surely be reserved for only the most gullible within our society. I cant see the discerning readers of the POC subscribing, no, they couldn't. The globally popular 12 sign horoscope was the "invention" of a Mr Nailer who worked for a British newspaper in 1932. it was an instant success. The inventers popularity, however, took a slight knock when he predicted that "there absolutely, definitely would not be another World War".

If you must read the things, then at least read one from a man you can trust -- Shagnasty!

	Aries March 21 - April 20 In this instance it would better if you and others banded together and robbed a bank. That way you should manage to absorb any risks and it makes you feel that you are contributing to a worthy cause. Unfortunately not everyone is as far minded as you.
	Taurus April 21 - May 21 It seems that communication, or rather lack of it, is the real problem at the moment. I recommend shouting and stamping your feet to get your point across. However try not to take things too personally as no offence is intended, don’t let this prevent you from being very personal and offensive however.
	Gemini May 22 - June 21 There are different ways of approaching situations. Indeed, if you are a typical Gemini, then you prefer to take the initiative and bypass everyone else. This time however, you are powerless and you can do nothing right, you are indeed worthless. Therefore don’t bother to seek help because right now you could ask for the moon and you wont get sod all. Give up.
	Cancer June 22 - July 23 At first, you may choose to ignore other people’s warnings, as this is normal Behaviour for them. In fact, what occurs in a few days will be something you feared all along. The stealthy footfall of a mad axe murderer in the middle of the night will signal the error of your ways in a manner that will indeed come as a shock.
	Leo July 24 - Aug 23 It would be marvelous if you managed to persuade a business partner or a property owner to make you an offer. However, there is no guarantee this will happen, as you are very, very poor and no one wants to take the risk. On the other hand, if they agree to take you on board, then you will end up even poorer. So go for it. Also you will be involved in a car crash!
	Virgo Aug 24 - Sept 23 No point harping on about your future, as you will be run over by a car driven by a Leo and spend the month in traction.
	Libra Sept 24 - Oct 23 You will happily admit that you cannot function properly without certain people around, is that a fact? In any event, you will soon find out your true value. Just as long as you are realistic, then what is decided by the end of this week should boost your self-esteem. That is of course as long as your usual cocaine supply arrives on time. Except on this occasion even that might not be enough.
	Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 22 On the surface you seem to be a lot more confidant than before, your fooling yourself, you have no reason to be confident. Maybe you have to be! More to the point, certain individuals can see right through you, so worry like hell about the image you create. With the sun no moving into cancer, what you are attempting to do is unachievable by the likes of you.
	Sagittarius Nov 23 - Dec 21 No doubt you will benefit from any changes that are now taking place the main thing is that you would like to know a few more details, just so that you can make some provisions. Yet, what does transpire in the next couple of days may have been decided internally, but also specifically with you in mind. If you can understand that crap, you’re a better person that I would have given you credit for.
	Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 20 Because loved ones seem a bit defensive at the moment, this only serves to add to your uncertainty. Except they still insist there is nothing going on. You can expect some dramatic developments when you discover that as Jupiter is rising against Mars they are all indulging in ritualistic sex on a nearby hilltop. Don’t assume that you are the only member of the family excluded; the fish have been left out too. You note however the absence of the family dog and armadillo.
	Aquarius Jan 21 - Feb 19 Being from the water sign, you decide to recreate the exploits of King Canute with the inevitable consequences.
	Pisces Feb 20 - Mar 20 Having already made prior reservations or arranged everything at vast expense or effort to yourself, in the end you may be forced to change everything around. As you know, certain people are very fickle, so simply put this down to experience and don’t lift a finger for the bastards again. Inform them all you wouldn’t urinate on them if they were on fire.

Now that's a future for you or what!
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Hunting

Hunting, the national sport of the US perhaps? Now the theme of this section is to normally highlight those simple things that you have got right and that we have managed to get so spectacularly wrong in the UK.

I'm not going to suggest that you have got hunting right, I'm generally opposed to hunting for sport or pleasure, BUT, you do at least admit that the reason for your hunting is primarily to "Blow things away" for your own personal enjoyment. It's your honesty that we need this month people!

Here in the UK however our hunting fraternity are not so honest, Oh no. The last thing that they would admit was the fact that they enjoyed watching things suffer at the hands of their hounds or traps. We hunt over here for very good reasons, some of my favorite ones are listed below: -

"We need to exercise our horses" - And we all know that the only way to gain such exercise is by relentlessly running some poor animal into the ground as a result of being pursued by savage hounds and jogging horses.

"It's the kindest way to kill them" - We shall ignore the obvious reply of why kill them in the first place and state that being pulled apart by numerous little snapping dogs isn't what's written in my dictionary after the word kind!

"They are pests that need to be controlled" - Hmm, I can think of many pests that we don't kill in such a gruesome fashion. When was the last time you saw a Welsh Man running for his life hopping up hill and down dale with strangely dressed men on horseback after his blood.
No, hang on, that's what I was doing last weekend, ignore that one then.

"Jobs reply on the hunting industry" - We lost many jobs when we abolished coal mining in the UK. I didn't see the country gentry complaining about that one.

I SAY NO. Come on British hunters, show some balls like our American cousins. When you are asked why you hunt tell them the truth. "I like to kill things, I like it a lot".
"I like to go to church on a Sunday morning and sing "all things bright & beautiful, all creatures great & small..." I then get on my horse and destroy all that it naturally bright and beautiful.

Tally-fucking-ho!

A fox assists the kind gentleman to preserve UK jobs & give valuable exercise for the horses, nice of him wasn't it!

A Pompous Twat demonstrating some kindness!

Want to make your own appeal, do it here.

Imagine the fun you could have if your dog was called Penis.

Of the many wonderful phrases that you could utter, I Shagnasty, provide the following for your reference.

My Penis ate my homework.
Oh, no! My Penis is frothing at the mouth!
Sorry I'm late. I was playing with my Penis.
I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep my Penis on a leash.
My Penis doesn't come when I call it.
My Penis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
At night, I sleep with my Penis in my hands.
My Penis likes it when people pet him.
My Penis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
Playing with my Penis really wears me out.
Would you like to see a picture of my Penis?
Sometimes I wake up, and my Penis is already active.
I think my Penis has a mind of its own.
I keep a picture of my Penis in my wallet.
Whenever I get lost, my Penis points me in the right direction.
My Penis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the bitch next door.
My Penis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
My Penis got stuck in the neighbors bush.
When ever I take my Penis to the park women want to stroke him.
The sheep get worried when I take my Penis to the countryside.

Beware of my Penis, he's carrying a disease.
People say my Penis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.
My Penis: the crotch-sniffer.
There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for my Penis.
I've trained my Penis to jump through hoops.
My Penis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
Excuse me, I need a muzzle for my Penis.
Sorry I'm late, but my Penis kept me up howling all night.
Help! I can't find my Penis!
Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for my Penis.
My Penis gets excited whenever the postman comes.
Oh. no! Something bit my Penis!
Watch it or you'll step on my Penis.
When my Penis behaves well, he gets a bone.
Stop kicking my Penis.
When riding in the car, my Penis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.

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Disclaimer & Stuff To Generally Cover my Butt.

Right I'm no legal dude but I'll try to cover my butt in here as much as I can!

Everything above is just a laugh, I cant guarantee the accuracy of anything that is included, indeed some of it is wholly untrue. Members of the POC are not obliged in any way to the POC and the POC has no obligations to them.

Nothing included in this site or it's associated pages can be reproduced without the express permission of the author. I have tried to credit all sources external to the POC but if you believe that you have been infringed upon in any way write to me and I will either give credit or remove it, whatever is appropriate.

Persons wishing to contribute to the POC will be assumed to have done so on the basis that their contribution is available to be used in any way that I choose, if this is not the case then you should clearly state so.

The e-mail address of persons contributing will not knowingly be made available to any organization, under any circumstances.

Err, that's it I think. Butt covered.

Are you a legal dude? Should I take this bit more seriously? Write and tell me.

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Shagnasty's August 2000 Penis Owner Club
Issue Five (5)	Release Date: 1st August 2000		© penisowner.com 1996-2000
Welcome to the World Wide Family of Penis Owners. Not a member? Welcome anyway but you can join here, if you want!
Penis Owner Club Web site		Penis Owners Manual
Previous Issues		Legal Stuff

Further Reading by me...	Further Reading By Others...
The Penis Owners Club Back issues! Monthly silliness for all that own one. Bigger is better... Is it? Not always it isn't. Cycling & The Hidden Dangers to your dick! Penile compression and its effects. Bashful bladder or Paruresis? The inability to pee when not alone apparently.	"Shagnasty's book of the month" The Penis Book : An Owner's Manual By Margaret Gore
Shagnasty's Book Listing -- Here

Shagnasty's Rant

Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.

Shagnasty Muses