Shagnasty's December 2000 Penis Owner Club
Issue Nine (9)	Release Date: 1st December 2000		© PenisOwner.com 1996-2000
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A note from your Editor, Shagnasty:

Greetings oh my brothers and only friends, and hello once again to what is POC land.
I guess I should start by saying Merry Christmas to those that celebrate it and, err, hello I guess to those that don't.
OK, now that's out of the way I can't really not comment on the US elections, but I'll try to keep it as painless as I can. Here in the UK however we have been having fun with the weather, floods, rain, more floods, cats & dogs living together, that sort of thing. More PenisOwners join each and every day, which is nice, and the site continues to provide me with amusement, which is the most important thing after all.
At long last, and as a result of far to many people asking me to do it, I have arranged for a US based company to supply PenisOwner.Com T-Shirts. So head on over to the Merchandise section to place your orders now and commence looking goooood!

Right people, on with the POC, and remember - enjoy.

Your regular contributors, as always are: -

Shagnasty	Demonic Dave	Tangent Man
Info	Info	Info

Enjoy!

Shagnasty's Big Serious One:
Contraception this month people, sex is great but getting a free baby to look after for evermore is a bit of a high price don't you think. Therefore, we have contraception...and tissues.
Read all about it, before its too late.

Shagnasty's Rant: On 5th November each year the skies of the UK light up. Why?

Penis Stuff from around the world: We travel to India this month, where men with no meat find niche employment!

Pray to help Rolf: It's a national tragedy, Rolf's house was hit with the floods that swept across Britain. Help me to help Rolf.

Demonic's Religious Comment: Hell, am I going to go there, have I been a good boy? Demonic Dave gives you the answers.

Tangent Man: Nope, Santa don't exist. And Tangent Man can prove it, scientifically of course.

Shagnasty's Guide to Dictation: Despondent about your nations election process? Try the popular alternative, embark upon a career as a dictator, I'm here to help.

Penis File: The bloody French are at it again, and this time its the Penis they're revolting against.

Shagnasty's X-Mas e-mail advice: Does your mail box fill with crap at Christmas, send this warning message to all.

Shagnasty's Two Word Review: This month we continue with the Natural History theme, dealing with "The Sloth."

Shagnasty meets: A visitor from the US, another webmaster in fact.

This Space for rent!: Want to submit a section, then write in why don't ya?

Readers Feedback: Your comments in print.

Monthly thought: -

Santa is too fat.

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Fact Blast
Most toilets flush in the key of E Flat.
"Handy to know if you are asked"

Shagnasty's Righteous Rant

Sorry people but it's got to be done. "Guy Fawkes Night (5th November)"

A few years ago in England's rich and varied history a Dude called Guy Fawkes attempted to blow up the Houses of Parliament with rather a large amount of gunpowder. Oh yeah, and some treason and plot as well. He wasn't successful.
His attempt is celebrated (for we always celebrate assassination attempts against heads of state!) with the ritual burning of a "Guy". A manikin if you like, that is sat atop a pile of old crap, preferably wooden, and set alight to the delight of all that witness this spectacle. Fireworks are also loosed off towards the heavens lighting up the sky in a sea of colour with sounds that make your heart stop.
The whole country joins in this national celebration, we come together to celebrate our history on a cold November night. Sounds ok doesn't it?

However!

The reality of this madness is that any member of the great unwashed, me even, has the right to lob explosives around as if he was storming the trenches of the Somme. Anything that will burn, and I mean anything, will be collected from the housing estates of the nation and assembled into the most precarious stack that can be constructed. If this pile of teetering trash wasn't enough it's then set on fire! Cases of bonfires containing gas bottles, animals and materials that produce toxic fumes are reported every year.
Members of our national fire service don't get to participate in this festival, they're too busy attempting to extinguish the out of control fires that inevitably rage throughout the night and into the early hours, that is of course when they aren't picking burning cordite from peoples eyes and flesh.
This is also the case also with the emergency departments of our hospitals. Basically you don't want to get sick on this night or you will be sharing a corridor (for the wards will be full) with some bloke who thought that it would be all right to launch his own mini cruise missile from a coke can in his back garden. It wasn't obviously, as he found out when the thing launched itself into his own startled expression. Friendly fire? I don't think so. Still he put on a good show for his family of spectators!

Now I'm no killjoy, I like a good celebration as much as the next man. My nights out though don't normally involve too many explosives, missiles or the starting of any fires the size of which would make Hades proud. I suggest that for the good of all, my nation follows my lead and restricts family entertainment to mind altering substances, alcohol, loose women and loud music, like any self-respecting person would. The only fire present would be coming from my Zippo and lighting my Marlboro.

Safe and wholesome, that's me!

Got a rant of your own?

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News Blast
07.11.2000
News breaks of a 230 million Pound diamond snatch at the Dome.
"I just thought they they meant Madonna's insurance policy."

International Penises

Hire a eunuch
Castrated men appear as models in an Indian fashion show.

- - - - - - - - - - - -
By Jack Boulware
Are you a eunuch who's tired of the world's anti-eunuch sentiments and prejudices? Then you should move immediately to India. Not only will you be accepted in Indian society, but you could even walk down a runway as a fashion model.
Eunuchs in India spans a broad spectrum of sexuality. Some have been forcibly castrated, others are gay men and still others claim to be transsexuals or hermaphrodites. But however they classify themselves, they share a paradoxical niche in the nation's culture. On one hand, they're ostracized by the masses, live in isolated groups and often work as prostitutes. But they also contribute to society, in particular by getting paid to appear at weddings, housewarmings and child births, where they dance and bless the ceremonies. Earlier this year, a eunuch named Shabnam Mausi, from the central state of Madhya Pradesh, was even elected to the state legislature.
And last week, six eunuchs were picked to appear as runway models in the Tanpriya Creations fashion show, held in India's northern city of Lucknow. The couture world was introduced to eunuchs in dazzling designer outfits, waltzing down a ramp to thumping rock music and sharing the stage with top models, including the former Miss India. "My aim was to help give these eunuchs a chance to be accepted in society like any one of us," the show's executive director, Kumkum Roychoudhury, told the AFP news agency. Choreographer Rashmi Virmani added, "Initially I thought it would be a difficult task, but their enthusiasm made it very simple for me."

Participating eunuchs were ecstatic over the opportunity to strut their stuff. One, named Tina, sat backstage receiving final touches of makeup, and bubbled, "I am almost too excited to talk. I can't believe I will be walking alongside these famous models." After the gala was over, another eunuch named Razia commented, "I was so excited to interact with the who's who of the fashion world."

The professional models in the show were apprehensive at first about sharing the stage with eunuchs, but were pleased with the results. "It was this lack of experience that made things a little strained initially," said Miss Universe runner-up Manpreet Brar. "But within a few minutes I realized that they are like any other regular human beings."

Although Gul Panag, Miss India of 1998, is not a eunuch, she gained new respect for the community. "They are gifted with a lot of talent," she said.

Shagnasty Says: Good grief, the idea of hiring a eunuch to dance about at a wedding as a blessing is a curious notion indeed. A housewarming I can understand, but a wedding. As for a birth, "well son, when you were born I paid a man with no tadger to dance for you, why, because I love you son"

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Poem Blast
19.11.2000
I think that Pine trees are neat
It's these tall spires on which we hang our telephone wires

Rolf Harris Suffers "Arrrgh! Its a bloody tragedy that's what it is."
"What's happened" I hear you scream, "and how can we help?" Well, the UK was recently hit by a series of floods causing the homes of thousands to be destroyed, but never mind that crap, it hit Rolf's house too for God's sake. Is there no justice in this world? Whilst the cause is widely being attributed to global warming my money's on the French. But there's plenty of time for apportioning blame later, right now we all have to rally round to help The Rolf regain the lifestyle and levels of luxury which he quite rightly deserves. I would of course offer to put him up round my place but I fear that my home is no more than a hovel, not befitting the mighty Rolf. No people, we must pray, pray for The Rolf. Full instructions and all the equipment you need are provided below, now get praying!
Instructions 1. Print the image below 2. Place knees in circles (like the unworthy scum you know you are!) 3. Bend forward and touch Rolf with forehead 4. Chant Rolf's Prayer (see below) 5. Straighten up 6. Repeat from step 2 (Endlessly) "Print'n'Pray"

Our Rolf who art an Australian Hallowed by thy beard Thy kangaroo is tied town Thy extra leg is done On Earth as it is in your excellent version of stairway to heaven. Give us this day our daily cartoon Forgive us our didgeridoos as we forgive those who didgeridoo against us And lead us not into animal hospital But deliver us from billabong For thine is the wobble board The boomerang and the corked hat Forever and ever, diddle-diddle-diddle-um.
*Help Rolf to continue helping others, I urge, nay, I beg you.*	Back to Index

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News Blast
10.11.2000

A UK health authority announces that they are going to increase sperm donor payments from £12 to £20.
"WHAT! I didn't know they paid, just think of all the money I've let slip through my fingers"

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.

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"Hell - Am I expected?"
People often ask me "Dave am I going to hell, will I burn forever in Satan's juices?"
...and of course I tell them "probably mate, for the Lord is indeed a vengeful master. Hope that makes you feel better, now go away"

But, if you want to know for sure, take this test, answer yes to just one of the following questions and get ready to start roasting my friend.

Demonic operates outside of the control of the POC, he alone is responsible for his comments.

Have you: -

1. Had other gods before the Lord thy God, who hath brought thee out of the house of Egypt? (Note: "The House of Egypt" does not refer to the pub on The Old Kent Road)

2. Made any graven image and bowed thyself down before it, or served it?

3. Taken the name of the lord in vain? (Note: "But I hit my thumb with a hammer" is not an acceptable excuse)

4. Done any work on the Sabbath day (Note: This includes thy son, daughter, maidservant, manservant, cattle or any stranger within thy gates.)

5. Failed to honor thy mother and father? (Note: Buying crappy Christmas presents for Dad falls well within this category)

6. Killed? (Note: If he's including micro-organisms in this one were all dammed, I'm sure the odd Welshman or two wont matter though.)

7. Committed adultery? (Hah! That's me screwed, screwed being a rather appropriate turn of phrase you will agree)

8. Stolen? (Note: I think 2nd base is OK, but anything else and you get cooked)

9. Bourne false witness against thy neighbor? (Note: I think false beards are OK, no moustaches though eh)

10. Coveted thy neighbor's house, wife, manservant, maidservant, ox or ass? (Note: Even if your neighbour has a particularly shapely arse you're not allowed to covert it.)

"Oh dear, doesn't look good for you does it."
Click Here for "Demonic Wear"© range of clothing and merchandise.
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Tangent Man
No Santa. Sorry boys & Girls but I'm a man of science, and science says no way.
I Present my arguments thus: - 1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second; a conventional reindeer can run, 15 miles per hour, tops. 4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion: - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Got a question for the Tangent Man? - Click here to ask it. Click Here for "Tangent Wear"© range of clothing and merchandise.

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Shagnasty's guide to being a dictator
Oh come on, you've all thought about it...
...elections solve nothing after all.

So you want to be a dictator? Hey, who wouldn't? The pension plan is good, plenty of perks and you get to wear a really cool uniform and give yourself the funkiest title that you can think of. "Shagnasty - Supreme Emperor & Defender of Silliness" perhaps. So how do you start? One good tip is to start small. Start torturing pets, the earlier, the better. Follow up with a show trial and execution of immediate family. There is more to it than that though, there are rules you need to know. Follow these simple lessons to attain (or seize) success.
Don’t mess with white people. Idi Amin, Kim Jong Il, Khieu Samphan, Saddam Hussein -- none of them ever suppressed a white person. Although there is a tribunal being conducted about Rwanda massacres, its effectiveness is in doubt. When it comes to protecting one's own, white people can act in a highly tribal fashion. If Pinochet had caused the “disappearance” of 1.5 million Khmers or a million Tutsis or a hundred thousand Kurds instead of 2,000 whites, the outcry would be confined to an obscure UN Commission.	Build a really nasty weapon. An impressive arsenal of weapons of mass destruction, tested in proper moments, is essential for survival. I'd like to see a Spanish judge trying to extradite Kim Jong Il from a visit to a Japanese acupuncturist or Saddam from a hadj to Mecca. The perspective of a missile aimed at Barcelona or anthrax spread all over Seville does wonders to one's sense of justice.
Never Give Up. Not if you are really serious about your dictatorial vocation. Dictatorhood is not stockbrokership, from which you can retire to cabinetmaking; it is a lifelong career with few transferable skills. But if it befalls you to leave your palace in a vertical position, as opposed to in a coffin, choose wisely.	Screw The State If you must abdicate, do not be guided by such silly considerations as the Good of the State. Remember: a dictatorship is always followed by a transition, and every transition is a mess. Whomever you pick, he won't have staying power. So keep away (better yet, execute) anyone who is chomping at the bit of the reform. Pick a hidebound bureaucrat who will prolong the mess and give you adequate time to liquidate your assets and depart in style.
Get Out! (When its all over and the writing is on the wall) Never stay in the country. You can tell yourself and your grandchildren what a benevolent ruler you have been, how the land has prospered, and how much your subjects loved you. Remember: the real stuff comes to your mind long after you put your grandchildren to bed. Like at 4 a.m. when you wake up with a dry mouth. Any dictator -- good, bad, or ugly -- makes enemies. As long as you stay in the country, you piss them off, and that is not a good thing. They will either bug you legally or try to kill you. Out of sight, out of mind.	Move to another dictatorship. Do not move to a democracy. Request in advance and obtain hospitality of a colleague -- the tougher, the better. (With all his professed love of the Albion, Idi Amin settled in Saudi Arabia, while the Shah was so dumb as to believe Dr. Kissinger's promises.) A democracy is where you keep your money to pay off your host; it will not be wise to stuff your billions in a local bank. Once you have reached a safe haven, use your retirement wisely. Play eighteen holes in the morning, bounce your grandchildren on your knee, and read the Stoics. Your best years may well be ahead of you!
Study the work of your predecessors, you can learn from their shining examples after all. Therefore I give you: The Millennium Dictators Hall of ~~Fame~~ Shame *(& their business cards!)*

The planet revolving underneath my feet has produced some great men and women from all sectors of life. Science gives us the likes of Faraday & Alexander Bell. Engineering has Louis Stevenson & Isembard Brunell. Medicine hails Florence Nightingale or Dr Jekyll perhaps. All of them and their contributions to the world are remembered fondly.

There is another group of people for whom we don't hold such dear memories. Shall we have a closer look at them. (Warning, some of these guys are serious shits to say the least)

Benito Mussolini

Despite coming from Italy (the nation that was to eventually give birth to the Vespa, the greatest piece of styling & design ever!) Benito wasn’t a very nice chap to say the least. Beginning his career teaching elementary school (honest!) his violent temper wasn’t thought to be conducive to the profession so he went into politics as a radical socialist. (Yeah, far more appropriate). In 1919 he organised his staunchly nationalistic followers, who wore black shirts as uniforms and practiced terrorism in armed groups. (His idea of politics I think).

Mussolini business card

His imperialistic designs led to the conquest of Ethiopia, using poison gas, as well as the occupation of Albania. He also signed an alliance with Nazi Germany and sent troops to aid General Francisco Franco in the Spanish Civil War. He had been successful in improving the Italian economy and bringing stability, as it was said, "He made the trains run on time" (by shooting someone if they didn't).

Joseph Stalin (A seminary dropout. Later, futilely tried to get published as a poet.)

Lenin died in 1924, and was quickly followed by Joseph Stalin as head of the Soviet Communist Party, the oppressive reforms started by Lenin were continued with great zeal and at length became completely totalitarian. In addition to the killing and disappearance of millions during what he called “The Great Purge”, as any dictator can do that, Stalin decided to go that little bit further. Those that weren’t killed were made to endure tremendous hardships. The actual numbers killed by Stalin vary widely, but its generally agreed that we are talking millions rather than hundreds of thousands.

Stalin business card

You have to wonder what sort of welcome he got at the gates of heaven don’t you.

Pol Pot

Starting out as a failed stage director, Pol Pot or “Saloth Sar” moved into dictatorship, as so many failed stage directors seem to do these days. The elusive guerrilla leader was recently seen by the outside world for the first time in almost 20 years via video footage of a show trial where he was sentenced to life under house arrest by his Khmer Rouge forces.

From 1975 to 1979, Pol Pot and his murderous minions transformed Cambodia into a ghastly land of killing fields where scores of skulls and bones are still being unearthed today. By the time Vietnamese forces drove the Khmer Rouge from power and Pol Pot into hiding, over 1 million Cambodians perished in his horrific experiment in social engineering. The odds of an average Cambodian surviving Pol Pot's rule were slightly better than 2 to 1 as people were shot, strangled, beheaded, starved or tortured to death during Pol Pot's four-year reign. In terms of sheer numbers he was a relative lightweight in the killing tables, in terms of percentages this nasty piece of work was top of the tree having ordered the death of nearly 25% of his own population in just four years. Pol Pot business card

Pol Pot transformed Cambodia into a vast slave labor camp, where family life was extinguished and children were taught to inform on their parents. Schools were closed, except for those devoted to political indoctrination, with everyone expected to work in the fields or factories from age 5. Cambodians were expected to work 16 hours a day, and those who couldn’t meet production quotas, or complained, were killed on the spot. Untold numbers of “undesirables,” such as physicians, people who spoke French or even those who wore eyeglasses, were put to death—and their children were buried alive. Tens of thousands more died from disease, malnutrition and overwork.

Edward The Black Prince

One from England this time, and as he restricted his awful behavour to France (generally) he can’t really be consider Blackprince business card ed to be one of the big daddies of the group. Still he did ride around in black armour, marry his cousin, direct the capture and burning of Limoges in 1370 with the needless massacre of its citizens and his best friend was called “Peter The Cruel”. So all in all he wasn’t exactly somebody you’d want for a neighbour. Buried in Canterbury parts of his black armour are on display to this day.

Ivan The Terrible

(This chap must be considered to be one of the real heavy hitters on this list. The sheer number of atrocities attributed to him would overwhelm the web site but I'll have a go at giving you just a flavour of his madness.) Ivan business card

Leading an unusual life, plagued with horror and tragedy he was brought up in an unstable, violent situation and turned out to be an unstable, violent person. Aged 13 he had the Regent Andrey Shursky arrested and turned over to the keeper of the hounds, where he was clubbed to death and his body thrown into the snow. Ivan often vented his anger by throwing dogs from the terrace of the Kremlin Palace to the ground. By 14 years old, Ivan was riding through the marketplaces with his friends, robbing merchants and flailing everyone he could reach with his whip. When Ivan was 15, he became angry at a boyar named Afanasy Buturlin because he said "some rude words." so he had a stage erected in front of the prison and had Buturlin's tongue publicly cut out. Soon after his wedding 70 citizens of Pskov went to him to plead for the removal of their governor. He cursed them, poured hot wine over their heads, set their beards on fire, and made them strip down and lie in the snow. He would've done more to them, but he received word that Moscow was burning and rushed off to see. He had Prince Dmitry Kurliatev arrested, tortured and sent to a monastery with his son. His wife and two daughters were ordered to a nunnery. Later on he changed his mind and had the entire family strangled because he blamed them for his daughters' deaths, even though they had no connection to them whatsoever.
In 1563, Ivan struck Prince Ivan Shakhovskoy with his mace, this blow proved fatal. Ivan's thirst for blood was peaking. Hundreds of people were arrested by the oprichniki and taken to prison. After dinner, he would go interrogate the victims and ordered them tortured, watching the whole time completely delighted. Sometimes he killed with his own hands, but he found it more enjoyable to watch as others did it for him. He read out the list of people that he wanted killed in church, as well as the method of murder he had picked out for them. He took the boyars' women and had his way with them, then threw them in the river. He blew up one boyar's house with gunpowder after he made the men strip down and go inside the house. The women were stripped and hunted like game. "A woman was hanged on her own gatepost. He ordered that her husband should pass through the gate without showing any sign of emotion; otherwise he too would be hanged. A woman was hanged from the roof beam above her dining table, and her family was ordered to take their meals at the table". In the city of Tver, around 9,000 people died during a two-day massacre. He killed 30,000 people the winter of 1569-1570 at Novgorod, and then sacked the city that February. 20,000 more people died from the famine and disease that came after the sack. Ivan was on his way to wipe out the city of Pskov, but the famous holy man by the name of Mikula predicted that the wrath of God was upon him. At that instant a great thunderstorm erupted, and Ivan began to beg for forgiveness. He then left the city before any killing ensued. In 1570 Ivan then had approximately 150 prisoners publicly boiled alive in oil.

And the above is just a taster, there’s much, much more to this chaps resume. “The Terrible” doesn’t even come close does it?

Generalisimo Franco

Francisco Franco was raised a devout Catholic but saw no contradiction in wanton murder, cruelty and terrorism when he fought for the Spanish army in Morocco, where he was Commander in Spain’s Foreign Legion. The decapitation of prisoners and the exhibition of severed heads were not uncommon. Indeed one volunteer nurse during the war was awarded a tribute in 1922 from the legion. She was given a basket of roses in the centre of which lay two severed Moorish heads. Not counting soldiers on the republican side actually killed in the fighting, the probable total number of executions carried out by Franco was in the vicinity of two million.

You would have to agree that this guy was a serious prized shit I think. Mind you, he had the full support of the Catholic Church so I guess that made it all right!

Idi Amin “Dadda”

President of Uganda (1971-1979), also known as “Dada”, whose brutality and disregard for the rule of law led to hundreds of thousands of deaths and plunged the country into chaos and poverty. Once in power, Amin appointed well-qualified administrators in his first cabinet, but paid no attention to their advice. In his first year as president Amin ordered massacres of large numbers of troops who were suspected of being disloyal. Amin's demands for large increases in military assistance were rebuffed by Israel and Britain, (thank God) so he expelled all Israeli advisers and turned to the Arab Republic of Libya, which gave him immediate support (no surprise there I guess). Subsequently, Amin made a number of anti-Semitic declarations, including praising German dictator Adolf Hitler for killing Jewish people during World War II. Later Amin announced that God had told him in a dream to expel Uganda's Indian and Pakistani populations, who owned almost all of Uganda's businesses. After a 1972 coup attempt orchestrated by Obote, Amin grew more brutally repressive with people being seized by roving squads of soldiers and summarily killed; their bodies were often found dismembered and horribly mutilated. The number of civilians unlawfully killed by the Amin regime is disputed—it is often estimated at 300,000 and may have been as high as 500,000. Lets face it, they don’t come much more unpleasant than this twat!

Vlad The Impaler

Although his actual birth date is unknown, historians estimate that Vlad Tepes (the Impaler) was born in 1430 in Schaassburg, a town in Transylvania. His father, Vlad Dracul, was the Prince of Wallachia. Vlad was imprisoned (along with his family) by the Turks in 1438 for twelve years, where even in captivity he could not give up his favorite past-time; he often captured birds and mice which he proceeded to torture and mutilate - some were beheaded or tarred-and-feathered and released, most were impaled on tiny spears. When it came to humans his battlefields would become littered with bodies of dead and dying turks, impaled on a long stake that was driven into the ground. Other brutal acts only served to heighten his reputation as a savage dictator. People were burned, impaled, and tortured - often without good reason, according to some. “He had a good meal prepared for all the beggars in his land. After the meal he had them locked up in the sheds in which they had eaten, and burned them all. He felt they were eating the people's food for nothing and could not repay it.”

Gadaffi

Other than being a murdering swine, a terrorist supporting nutter and all round paranoid loon this chap managed to display a remarkable ability to fart at will, whilst being interviewed by the BBC recently. His apparent willingness to support Gadaffi business card

any bugger who wants to blow something up in the West is only matched by his vengeful attitude towards his own people. He claims to have proof that western governments have conspired to assassinate, guilty conscience perhaps?

Saddam Hussein

(A lawyer who never spent a day in court. Lately, however, known for plea-bargaining skills. Chances of passing bar: not high.)

The current number one ranker (pronounced with a “W” I may suggest) in the world at the moment. His use of biological weapons against his own people surely elevates him to the highest of positions in the dictator’s hall of shame. The sad thing of course is that the democratically elected leaders who went up against him are no longer in power. He is.

Serious bit & Noticeable omission: - The above is a piece of silliness and should be read in the style in which it is offered. I am aware that the above individuals are no laughing matter for many people who lost their lives at their hands or indeed the families of their victims also. Nevertheless one of the benefits of not living under the rule of any of these madmen is that I am free to write such things and people are free to read it, or not.

There is one glaring omission from the above list, as when it comes to a Mr Adolf Hilter even I fail to locate any scope for amusement at all.

Shagnasty's Penis File/Picture Of The Month

Now regular readers of The POC will be aware that I am a liberal chap who believes in the right of freedom, free speech and has no prejudices. However! The bloody French do nark me it has to be said and its not just because they are filthy animals either, No. I present another reason, "The Penis Guillotine" Look on in horror and see what they are up to now.

Warning! Whilst the files and images in this section are intended for amusement and cannot really be described as pornography, some contain, lets face it, a penis. If you think that you might be offended, “don’t look Ethel”. It’s that simple.

Previous months penis files are here.

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Shagnasty's Christmas E-Mail Advice.
Every year your mail box fills with E-funnies, great aren't they?
"No" Actually I hate them too, send this polite message to all in your address book and make your position well understood in advance, I do.

Dear Friends.

Christmas is coming and you may well be overcome with an overwhelming urge to share various little email delights with me. It's only natural as you don't possess a developed sense of humour.

I have to advise you however that I have had an internet account since 1995 and I can guarantee that whatever piece of crap that has you rolling with laughter in front of your PC was first seen by me many years ago, and each year after that. Indeed I would normally receive the same thing from multiple "individuals" all certain of their own originality.

Whilst not wishing to appear Scrooge like, keep it to yourself. I have seen it, it's most likely just some thinly disguised advert or a carrier for some bloody awful virus anyway and almost certainly not funny.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Shagnasty

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Poem Blast
16.11.2000
Without you I've not been the same
I just think of touching you one more time
Without you in my live nothing seems right
I lie awake dreaming you are here
Damn! I need you beer.
All the time we shared together
The good, bad, and ugly women
The feeling I get from you is like the room is spinning
I won't cry a single tear, Please come back beer.

Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

The Sloth

"Spectacularly Dull"

I'm sure all of you have seen nature shows on the Discovery Channel and you know what they're like-- some excited naturalist sits there explaining the complex behaviour of an animal while we watch the animal in question frolicking or hunting or otherwise interacting with the world around it. But if you've watched more than a couple of these shows, you may have noticed something. When you turn on a show, you never know exactly what animal is going to be featured, but, when it comes down to it, there just isn't that much diversity. Probably a good half of the shows are about six mammals-- lions, leopards, wolves, whales, elephants, or bears. There are other shows, that focus on a non-mammal, but even then it's probably a shark, crocodile or snake. The Sloth won't feature. Why? Because it's spectacularly dull.

Now I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with any of these animals. To the contrary, they're actually quite fascinating. Their behaviour and physiology are intriguing, and many of us consider an hour-spent learning about them an hour well spent. This fact is not lost on the nature show producers, which is why there seems to be a camera crew chasing every pride of lions in Africa. But what about all of the other animals we don't learn so much about? Are they any less important? Less worthy? Less interesting? Well, I can't speak for every animal out there, but the Sloth is at least one animal for which the answer to these questions is a resounding "Yes!" An animal, which is the single dullest mammal on the planet. Spectacularly dull in fact.
This is not to say that this mammal is not extraordinary, because it is. But frankly, almost every extraordinary thing about Sloths either makes them utterly uninteresting or actively distasteful. For instance, Sloths have fewer muscles than any other mammal. This leaves them completely incapable of walking on land. If, for some reason, they find themselves on the ground (perhaps due to a prank by some bored naturalist) they have to drag themselves along the ground by their front claws, and even that is only an option on flat ground. Their fingers and toes have, to all intents and purposes, disappeared. The only outward vestige of them are the claws, either two or three on the hands and three on the feet. These claws allow sloths to hang upside down in trees with absolutely no expenditure of energy, which is a good thing since they sleep a good eighteen hours a day, which as an activity you may have to watch is best described as spectacularly dull.

Of course, it isn't completely clear how we know this, since it is extremely difficult to tell a sleeping sloth (or, frankly, a dead sloth-- they continue to hang on when dead) from a waking one. Sloths are also the slowest moving mammals on Earth. Estimates of top speed vary from source to source, but the range seems to be somewhere between 0.15 and 0.03 mph depending on the distance the sloth's movement is measured over, "Sloth Watching" as a sport isn't really a possibility, it would be spectacularly dull.

Sloths are possibly the only mammal whose fur grows out from the middle of the stomach instead of the back. This is useful when they get rained on while hanging upside down, since the water runs off better. They are also, as far as I am aware, the worst smelling animals on Earth. Their coats are home to algae and fungi which give the fur a greenish cast and a putrid odor. Considering their other personal habits, however, they are rather fastidious in one respect. A sloth only defecates once every week or two. In some species, the sloth actually briefly comes down from the forest canopy, pokes a hole in the ground with its tail and then does its thing, burying the evidence when done. No one seems to be quite sure why they do this, but one reason might be the sloth's almost total torpor. Given the speed a sloth moves, a predator, (perhaps a comparatively fascinating jaguar or eagle) upon finding a dung pile, could be pretty sure that the animal hadn't gotten far and hey presto dinner ending his spectacularly dull life in a brief moment of interest!

Sloths are quite common in the rain forests of Central and South America. However, not all that much is really known about them. For instance, as of the early 1990's, no one had ever seen a sloth mate in the wild. This was not due to the inaccessibility of the sloth's habitat or any particular shyness on the animal's part. It was simply that no researcher was prepared for the stupefying boredom, not to mention the stench, that waiting to study the event would entail. Bumping uglies (zoological speak for mating) can be an interesting activity in some species, the hippo for example puts on a good show but based on the rest of the Sloths world my guess is that even this would be spectacularly dull.

What Sloth's do when nobody's around?

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Shagnasty's Meets...
Dont Blow.Com

I always keep an eye open to see who's linked to The PenisOwner and stumbled across the Dontblow web site, being the polite chap that I am, I of course write and say thanks for the link only to discover that the DontBlow team are coming to the UK, so a meeting is arranged. This and the internet generally gave rise to the following telephone greeting: -

"Hello is that Shagnasty?, this is Elefante Gigante here, how you doing?"

Now it has to be said that conversations like that surely just didn't happen pre internet.
Anyway, a couple of people from DontBlow (one male and one female) joined myself and the Tangent Man for a drink in London's Station Tavern, which it was nice to note that they have finally cleaned a little. Other than displaying very poor bladder control which resulted in Elefante urinating against the wall of London's Ritz hotel they were surprisingly normal, unlike their web site.

Anyway, hello again Dont Blow Dudes and I trust that the rest of your trip was fun. I'll be seeing you in Chicago one day I'm sure.

The Big Serious One

Shagnasty's Big Serious One:
Contraception this month people, sex is great but getting a free baby to look after for evermore is a bit of a high price don't you think. Therefore, we have contraception.

Read all about it, before its too late.