A note from your Editor, Shagnasty:

Greetings, well here we go again people, so what was June been all about then. Well the big news last month was obviously the 60th birthday of Tom Jones "The Welsh Enigma". Whilst he has to complete another 10 years of Demi-God like status to equal the mighty Rolf Harris I suggest that he's doing well and will last the course. Congratulations to you Tom, you panty magnet you. I have to also elevate Mr Keith Chegwin to God like status after hosting a game show on UK television completely naked, the whole show wearing nothing but a smile. Amazing! And people say there's no quality television these days. Hah! Applications to join the World Wide Family of Penis Owners continue to rise, its becoming a real community, which is weird, but kind of fun. The pending offer from a US based printing firm to produce the Shagnasty merchandise fell through, the guys boss apparently wasn't having any of it. Strange! Here in the UK however they are fast becoming the fashion accessory, I've given one as a wedding present and even swapped one for a PC. Good eh. This month I give one lucky ready the chance to win their own one, yippee! Right, enough yakking from me, on with the POC & thanks as usual for your feedback, it's the best part for me, it really is.

Your regular contributors, as always are: -

Shagnasty	Demonic Dave	Tangent Man
info	info	info

Special guest Contributor this month: Mr Hank Hyena.

Enjoy!

Shagnasty's Big Serious One:
Have a good play with your nuts on me, tell em Shagnasty said it was ok.

Shagnasty's Rant: The apparent inability for Europeans to queue is discussed.

Shagnasty's two-word Revue: This month, we deal with a nasty bug that turned out to be a real pussy.

Penis Stuff from around the world: The ever popular Cock-Cutting, in more depth!

Demonic's Religious Comment: The Roman Catholics grab Demonic's attention.

Ian's Tangent: TM explains his idea for the monorail of tomorrow.

Competition: Can you guess what it is? Win a T-Shirt if you do and your name is picked.

The World's Best Inventions: Oh yes, there are some good things out there, are these the best?

My Penis wrote me a letter: Yeah, the cheeky blighter wants a pay rise!

Penis File: This month we go all huge on you. Shagnasty style!

Guest Contributor: This space reserved for a future issue. Want it?, no takers as yet. It can be serious or silly, you choose.

Sponsors: Another name for advertisements people, well you cant blame me for trying can you?

Readers Feedback: Your comments in print.

Monthly thought: -

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Shagnasty's Rant

Sorry people but it's got to be done!

"Queuing / Standing In Line"

Now I'm going to discuss the inability of the average European to form an orderly queue. Firstly however you must understand that whilst the UK is in Europe, were not European, were British and are therefore excluded from this rant. We Brits dam well know how to hold a queue. If you want proof just watch some of the archive footage of the WWII evacuation of Dunkirk. Despite being bombed and strafed by the Germans we Brits stood in line awaiting our boat ride home. No pushing or shoving and certainly no queue jumping. A tradition that we continue to this day whilst awaiting our go on the peddle boats at Blackpool beach. Oh yes we know how to queue, were professionals.

Whilst in France recently I was treated to the French idea of what a queue is, the words "every man for himself & sod the women" should be emblazed across their national flag after I witnessed in excess of 20 people attempting to cram into one lift simultaneously. They didn't even have the sense or common courtesy to let those already inside get out before they started their charge. Needless to say I took the stairs. My dignity and I climbed 12 floors whilst in the lobby the storming of the Bastille was recreated every 90 seconds.

As for the Italians, well if it had been an evacuation of Venice instead of Dunkirk I suspect that no more than three or perhaps four of them would have got away. I can see the average Giovanni gutting and inflating the guy in front of him to be used as a flotation device whilst beating fellow soldiers off with the severed arms of others around him. The Italians inability to form a nice neat queue is only matched by the apparent proficiency of their women folk to increase their overall body weight by 468% immediately after marriage. (I'm told that it happens so fast you can actually watch it occurring!)

Now it's really quite simple isn't it, "first come first served" is a basic principle of life, it goes hand in hand with "last in, first out" and "never rob another man's rhubarb". Whilst these commandments were omitted from the Charlton Heston movie adaptation of "Moses, my life on the run" we all know that they were in the original version don't we.

A special mention should go to the Russians however, as they know how to hold a good queue, even if they don't know what there queuing for. "See a queue, join a queue", that's their motto.

Got a rant of your own?

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Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

"The Millennium Bug"

"Didn't Happen"

Now there I was buried deep in my underground bunker, complete with tinned food and heavy area effect weapons all prepared for the end of the world that was going to be the Millennium Bug, and, you guessed it, it didn't happen.

Where were the soldiers on the streets to stop us all from eating each other, did my microwave oven run off with the toaster to start an evil race of world conquering waffle irons, did the power company collapse leaving the only illumination provided being that afforded by the dying navigation lights of crashed 747's, nope, none of that, because it didn't happen.

Did my cash point machine dispense it's entire contents whilst recording only three pounds fifty being withdrawn, did all my debts disappear from my banks records only to be replaced by the National Debt of several third world countries, no, none of that occurred because it didn't happen.

Why is Russia still here, didn't the nuclear arsenal of the west launch in a last desperate attempt to "be all that it can be", did satellites fall from orbit to bounce off the roofs of little old ladies country homes, no, no, and again no. Why did none of this happen. Because it didn't.

I don't believe there has been an anti-climax so great since "Close Encounters of The Third Kind - The Directors Cut".

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"Due to the amount of mail generated by the tale of the last International Penis spot and it's description of penis chopping, we elaborate on more example of this heinous crime courtesy of Mr Hank Heyna."

Missing Meat, Or Tales of the dickless

- - - - - - - - - - - -
By Hank Hyena

The only thing worse than having your penis lopped off is living to tell the story. Penis amputation (called a “penectomy” when chosen freely) seems to be cutting loose, in a sausage- slaughtering epidemic of surgeries and retributions. Often, even when they try, the poor pudless do not perish.

Here’s the latest list of the dickless:

Connecticut - A man attempts suicide by radically pruning his phallus, in his apartment. The crotch-dripping Connecticutter scampered weirdly through his suburb’s streets, until police snagged and dragged him to Yale-New Haven Hospital. Here he was faced with his exiled appendage that a paramedic had retrieved off his floor. The whack-man refused “reattachment” until a judge ordered him to submit to the stitching—his humping flesh is flopping again, but its position, one fears, is precarious.

Oklahoma -John Henry Brown, a child molester at an Oklahoma prison, is attacked by his cellmate, resulting in the pedophiliac prick’s rude removal with a razor blade. He remains in a grossly abbreviated state—Okie physicians tried, but were “unable to reattach” his penis, claims a penitentiary spokesperson.

Nakhodka, Russia - Tamara purges Vasily's pud with a knife, because "he told her she was too old"

Poland - A hotdog-hating young man in rural northern Poland brutally lops off his bratwurst. The Slavic pole was returned to its owner, at Bialystock Hospital. Surgeons sewed the scared and scarred shaft back into place, above the undamaged balls. Reports say the rod “has already resumed its normal sexual functions.”

Dacca, Bangladesh - Sharmin Begum and her sisters extricate Abdul Motaleb’s organ with a razor blade, because he divorced her. They force him “to hold [the] severed organ aloft,” as they laugh.

Cebu, Phillipines - Avelina Rule hacks off her husband’s drunk dick with a machete, because “he demanded sex at noon.”

Shagnasty Says: Noon, how bloody inconsiderate of him, lopping off his manhood seems a reasonable response to me. Everybody knows that noon is reserved for oral sex.

You would think that male prick-size paranoia would render the gender terrified of “stumping” or that the self-mutilating Pole-flayer and Connecticutter must be historical firsts.

Not at all...

In 1757, a mystic named André Ivanov launched a sect in Russia, known as the “Skoptzy” (“castrates”). “Purification” in his creed requires penis amputation, with either “scissors, a razor, a pocketknife, a pruning knife, a chisel, a piece of sheet metal, a bone from a bull, or a hatchet.”

The Skoptzy believe dick-deliverance is necessary to elude Hell; their chop-talks promote the philosopher Jacob Böhme, who wrote, “The only difference between men and angels is the lack of sexual organs.” In 1850, there were 10,000 Skoptzy in Russia, living in vegetarian communes called “Naves.” Godless Communists outlawed these “smoothies,” but 100 were still dicking around Crimea as recently as 1970.

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View more of Hanks writings

Tangent Man's Technology Explanation
Its time for a new type of monorail. Tangent Man style!
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system. However I've been thinking further about this cat/toast business for a while and it occurs to me that in the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.
Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula: p = s * t(t)/tc where p is the probability of carpet impact, s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance, an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero. Tc and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour. So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research. Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also Public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.
Shagnasty Says: You know, I think he might be on to something there. Got a question? - Click here to ask away

Shagnasty's Competition
A treat for you all this month, as I have received so many requests for a ©PenisOwner.Com T-Shirt I have decided to offer one (your choice of design) completely free, all the correct answers will be retained and a winner picked at random at the end of the month. The question, "What the hell is the thing below all about?": -

Hint: - Bear in mind the overall subject of the site!	Send your answers to comp@penisowner.com , a winner will be picked at random from the correct answers received. All entries will receive a reply stating if you are correct or not. If incorrect you may enter again. The winner will receive notification, at which point I will require a mailing address to send the prize to, this will not be used for any other communication. Entries accepted between 1st July 2000 to 1st June 2000. My decision is final!

Yeah I know that were all impressed with the wheel and Penicillin was quite good too. But are they really the things that mankind wants to be remembered for when we eventually bugger up the planet causing the extinction of the human race only to be excavated by some alien version of Indiana Jones in the distant future. I suggest that there are others more worthy and more telling to future civilizations, I list them for your information.
Porn Videos A massive leap forward in streamlining the DIY hand-job. Fortunately the modern video recorder remote control even has a button marked shuffle in case you forget what you're up to.	The 24 Hour Petrol Station. God's own workshop. Everything you could ever need is here, from barbeque coalbricks to Tampax via ready made frozen ravioli meals for one, a copy of Penthouse and a bag of Everton mints. Crucially they also sell petrol and fags. All day and all night.
Silicone Implants Take control of your own physical destiny - whack in a couple of chemical breast sacks. Works for blokes too! The first ever breast implant was performed in 1962 which is the real reason behind the term "The Swinging 60's".	The Flushing Toilet. Universally popular everywhere outside of France. Makes a nice change from lobbing your detritus out of the window or burying it in the cellar. The masterwork of, naturally, an Englishman, Thomas Crapper.
The Sandwich Food you can eat with your hands or with a knife and fork, clearly the mark of a civilised man. The great British sandwich was of course invented by the Earl of Sandwich who liked to take bread based snacks with him on long campaigns to subdue the foreigner.	The Pill/Condom We all love kids don't we? But imagine a world where you got one free to look after forever every time you had sex.
The Camera Imagine George Lucas' Star Wars rendered in granite with a craftsman's chisel. Or in biro on the back of a fag packet. Without the camera those would be your options. Special mention obviously goes to the Polaroid which single handedly removed all those embarrassing trips to the developers after a spot of artistic creation in the bedroom.	The Fridge Humming discreetly in the corner of the kitchen God's larder preserves nature's beautiful bounty. Invented in 1926 by Mr Birdseye, who had been studying the habits of Eskimos, he originally experimented with fish, peas and spinach. Eventually moving on to chicken thereby inventing botulism as an added bonus.
Bras Howard Hughes cantilever architecture made real. Used in the 20's as a chest flattening device, in the 30's a boosting device and by the 50's it was a full on rubber padded tight sweater knocker essential. In the 60's ladies said to hell with them and burnt them, by the 80's they had changed their minds and put them on last over their jumpers!	Genetic Engineering Grafting pigs ears to mice and making them stick without falling off. Hilarious. Who says that scientists have lost touch with the common man, science is clearly the new stand-up comedy.
LSD The ability to trade your mind in for another that lurks behind the doors of perspiration. Truly the only way to hear carpets smile, taste the sound of trees or think aloud to little liquid robins perched on fish enjoying the sound of squirrel guitar solos made of ginger biscuit feedback. No honest!	Ancient Elephant Traps Those pits they fill with spikes and cover with grass then push mammoths into. Man's first minimum effort meal trap. Let dinner catch itself. Ingenious. Doesn't work for vegetarians. Sprouts cannot be lured to their death. Unless they want to be, man.
Arse Paper Christ knows what they used before they thought this up. Big leaves? The curtains? Still play it safe, never shake hands with a Frenchman. Paper soft bog paper was invented in 1942 by an Englishman (who else!) who started the Andrex company. Before that all we had was that shiny stuff that merely redistributes the shit around your arse rather than actually removing it. A streamlined lightweight version was later developed for lobbing at football matches.	The Chainsaw Motorised revenge on nature for flash-flooding, Wales and smallpox. This horror-film plot development device was invented in 1927 by a German who must have hated trees so much that he plotted their petrol driven demise on a grand scale. From such a noble start the chainsaw can now been seen as one of the many items juggled by dwarves on fire in French circuses. Such a tragic ending I'm sure you will agree.
Have I missed any? Tell Me.
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To: - The rest of our body

I, your penis, demand a raise in salary for the following reasons: -

I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I work head first.
I get no time of at weekends or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment (Mostly!)
I don't get paid any overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Yours Sincerely

Your Penis

Please Note:
The image below is not an accurate diagram of "The Shagnasty". Obviously the site of a truly well endowed man, like myself, may have been considered too much for persons of a nervous disposition, old ladies, men of the cloth and family pets. I therefore substitute the generic male image you see below in the name of good taste and common decency.

To: - My Penis

We, the body of Shagnasty have received your letter and read it's contents with interest. After assessing your request, and on giving full consideration to the arguments that you raise, we have to unfortunately advise you that you rise is denied.

The boards decision is based on the following counter arguments: -

You do not work eight hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief periods.
You do not always follow the orders of your manager, Shagnasty.
You do not stay in your allocated work place, often visiting unauthorized areas.
You take a great many non-rostered breaks.
You do not take the initiative - needing to be pressured and stimulated to start working.
You leave your work area rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe health & safety policies, not wearing protective clothes for example.
You have indicated that you don't intend to wait until pension age before retiring.
You don't like working double shifts.
You have regularly been observed leaving the work area with two suspicious looking bags.

Yours Sincerely

Shagnasty body management team.

Picture of Shagnasty Brain

Disclaimer & Stuff To Generally Cover my Butt.

Right I'm no legal dude but I'll try to cover my butt in here as much as I can!

Everything above is just a laugh, I cant guarantee the accuracy of anything that is included, indeed some of it is wholly untrue. Members of the POC are not obliged in any way to the POC and the POC has no obligations to them.

Nothing included in this site or it's associated pages can be reproduced without the express permission of the author. I have tried to credit all sources external to the POC but if you believe that you have been infringed upon in any way write to me and I will either give credit or remove it, whatever is appropriate.

Persons wishing to contribute to the POC will be assumed to have done so on the basis that their contribution is available to be used in any way that I choose, if this is not the case then you should clearly state so.

The e-mail address of persons contributing will not knowingly be made available to any organization, under any circumstances.

Err, that's it I think. Butt covered.

Are you a legal dude? Should I take this bit more seriously? Write and tell me.

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Shagnasty's July 2000 Penis Owner Club
Issue Four (4)	Release Date: 1st July 2000		© penisowner.com 1996-2000
Welcome to the World Wide Family of Penis Owners. Not a member? Welcome anyway but you can join here, if you want!
Penis Owner Club Web site		Penis Owners Manual
Previous Issues		Legal Stuff

Shagnasty's Rant

Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

"Due to the amount of mail generated by the tale of the last International Penis spot and it's description of penis chopping, we elaborate on more example of this heinous crime courtesy of Mr Hank Heyna."

Missing Meat, Or Tales of the dickless

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.

Tangent Man's Technology Explanation