A note from your Editor, Shagnasty:

Greetings once again my brothers and only friends, here is the 3rd issue of the POC. So what's May been all about then. Well here in London Summer appears to have arrived, oh no, sorry it's gone again. Oh well, nice whilst it lasted. This of course means that us poor Brits for whom air conditioning is an expensive optional extra in our cars and rare in our shops and restaurants, can briefly cease complaining about the cold and start complaining about the heat. Nothing is as satisfying as a good moan it would appear. The Shagnasty's Merchandise page, although a joke, continues to produce requests for T-Shirts and has generated an offer from a US based printing firm to produce them, I'm looking into it. Just imagine you could soon be strolling on the boardwalk in your own stylish PenisOwner.com T-Shirt. What a thought eh! Right, on with the POC...

Your regular contributors, as always are: -

Shagnasty	Demonic Dave	Tangent Man
info	info	info

They await you!

Enjoy!

Shagnasty's Big Serious One:
Paruresis or Bashful Bladder: This month we examine this little known condition.

Shagnasty's Rant: Public Transport, don't get me started on public transport.

Shagnasty's two-word Revue: This month we review the mystery of The Loch Ness Monster.

Penis Stuff from around the world: Thailand, add it to your list people. Or at least don't marry one of its ladies if you cant be faithful!

What Do You Call Yours: Not Christened your favorite organ yet? Here are a few suggestions for every occasion.

Demonic's Religious Comment: The Taleban, that most enlightened of people, get Dave's attention this week.

Ian's Tangent: TM explains why wireless net communications may help cook your dinner.

Shagnasty's Virus Alert: Watch out people The Shagnasty virus is on the loose. It's a nasty piece of work as well.

UK appeals to US: Lets discuss sport shall we? Football to be precise.

Penis File: Ta Da -- A singing penis. Now I knew mine was clever but this bloke wins the grand prize people.

Sponsors: Another name for advertisements people, well you cant blame me for trying can you?

Guest Contributor: This space reserved for a future issue. Want it?, no takers as yet. It can be serious or silly, you choose.

Readers Feedback: Your comments in print.

Monthly thought: -

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Shagnasty's Rant

Sorry people but it's got to be done. "Public Transport"

Now I don't want you to think that I'm a snob but my main problem with public transport is the "public" bit. Even if you assume that you are able to ignore the fact that the trains, tubes and buses are late, overcrowded, dirty, expensive and unsafe you are still left with the fact that they are populated with various members of the great unwashed. I dread to imagine the various germs and bugs that float in a carefree manner from some chaps nose when he blows it into an already overworked hanky.
But no I'm not being a snob. In fact I'm trying to save everybody else from my own filthy habits. You see in my car I can fart, blow my nose, scratch my left one and dam it my right one too if the mood takes me. All without fear of offending anybody else. I can listen to the most loud offensive music that I choose, I could even listen to Country & Western without fear of being attacked by any reasonable person within ear shot.
My government is repeatedly telling me that I must stop using my car and start using public transport but they don't appear to realise how much the public despise each other, we want our own space to do our own "thang". The only people who enjoy using public transport are the people that enjoy mixing with the public and if you saw them you'd realise that it's probably the only time that the public mixes with them. Although not through choice.
Mind you, the most overriding reason not to use public transport over my car is simple, IT'S FULL.

This is what I require from a bus or train dear government: -

A radio. (I get to choose the station by the way)
A television. (Again my choice)
Coffee machine. (Decent one and I get to choose the blend)
Clean, efficient, cheap, fast & safe. (Doesn't seem much to ask for)
Preferably built by Aston Martin

Got a rant of your own?

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Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

The Loch Ness Monster

"Not There!"

The first written account of a meeting with Nessie seems to be that of Adamnan in 565 A.D. He describes St. Columba's sighting of a very large monster in Loch Ness.

Since that time stories have been recorded describing "Nessie" or "The Beastie" residing in Loch Ness. The construction of a road running adjacent to the loch during the early part of the 20th century allowed for far greater casual observation of the loch and this, amongst other factors, resulted in a dramatic increase in sightings, all this despite the fact that it's not there.

Numerous and exhaustive scientific studios have been conducted with sonar, both active and passive, towed arrays and even submarines have all been brought into aid the search, all this despite of the fact that its not there.

Films have been made, documentaries commissioned, books written, toys made, T-Shirts printed, reputations tarnished and careers lost, all despite its not being there.

Photographic evidence has been produced, the “three humper” being my personal favourite, and this has been subject to scrutiny at the highest level with computer analysis and lie detectors being used on the supposed photographer, all this effort, again despite its not being there.

Why some people regard the ability of a predatory prehistoric colonaly of sub-aquatic species to survive for, potentially, millions of years and then remain undetected as a realistic proposition is quite beyond me. The word undetected by the way excludes the drunken ramblings of the odd Scott making his merry way home after a session involving the consumption of numerous pints of “heavy”. Similarly excitable yelps and claims from Japanese tourists and the bloke who runs the Nessie gift shop on the bank of the Lock don’t count either as its not there.

Until the bloke who presents News At Ten, my mother, David Attenborough or Bellamy, Minni Mozola from Maida-Vale, James Brown or some other person of high moral standing actually sees the thing as far as I’m concerned its not there.

Face it people its not there, no mystery in that I think.

Actual photo from www.nessie.co.uk , the question posed reading "Is this Nessie??". The web site states that "We believe this to be genuine". Now it must be said that I'm no marine biologist but I know a bit of crap floating in the water when I see it. Good grief people I've left deposits in the bowl of my toilet that look more monstrous than that, the answer is therefore, "Err no guys. It aint!"

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Thai cock-cutting catastrophe
Dozens of Bangkok penises are annually "fed to the ducks" by vengeful wives.

- - - - - - - - - - - -
By Hank Hyena

Another philandering Thai husband has been horribly stripped of his adulterous manhood.

Bangkok police captain Samphan Panitphan went on a drinking binge with his buddies last weekend, reports Saturday's Daily Record. Returning home to his suspicious wife Sudjai, 28, he collapsed in a stupor.

His unconscious body presented an irresistible target to Sudjai, who carved out some vengeance for his recent affairs. She cut off his penis!

Removing the devious dicks of wandering husbands is becoming almost as common in Thailand as carving up coconuts. The slashing wives' habit is euphemistically referred to as "tat lieng pet" (feeding the duck) due to an incident in which the offending organ was tossed into a yard where a passing duck ate it.

Bangkok surgeons are challenged with about 60 penile attachment operations per year, notes the Mirror. Victims and their removed rods must be stitched together quickly because isolated cock-cells expire in approximately one hour.

Shagnasty Says: Something's just aren't funny are they guys. What with Mrs Bobbit and these Thia ladies there is a concerning trend here. What's wrong with the time honored "throw him out of the house and in to court" I ask?

When Samphan woke up screaming and bloody, he urgently telephoned his cop colleagues for help. Arriving abruptly, they interrogated Sudjai about the missing staff's whereabouts, but she refused to immediately divulge the location of its grave. When she finally guided everyone to a sewage drainpipe, the extramarital member was deceased.

Sudjai was arrested and charged with physical assault, which carries a maximum penalty of 10 years imprisonment.

If convicted, will her punishment halt the plague of hose-hatcheting? Probably not: as long as Thai men maintain their loose tradition of taking "second" wives, the first spouses will sharpen daggers for duck-food.
Dec. 7, 1999

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Tangent Man's Technology Explanation
Wireless Communications, your socks & shoes on the net? Your kidneys done to a turn?
Wireless communications are coming, your glasses will display your e-mail and your socks will inform you of the latest stock prices, good eh. Known as "The Bluetooth System" it will operate in the ISM band, also known as the free band. In most countries around the world the range of this frequency is 2,400 to 2,483.5 MHz. The reason this is sometimes called "free" is because the dampening in the air is so great that no-one in their right mind would ever try to use this frequency for long range communication. (SN -- Here we go, something's coming). The dampening effect is caused by atmospheric water. To be a little more precise, this frequency band corresponds to the resonance frequency of water molecules, thus damp absorbs the emitted energy. This resonance frequency effect is what's used in microwave ovens.
The wireless system that's being touted is the next big step in getting devices to communicate with each other, and ultimately you'll expect your house, bag, clothes and all of the offices, shops and streets to be full of bluetooth devices. Human beings consist of 70% water. (SN -- Ouch, I knew it was coming.) Therefore, I wonder, do you want to walk around with your body's molecules vibrating in resonance due to the fact that the world around you has been transformed into a giant microwave oven.
Shagnasty Says: Now that sounds like fun doesn't it. No need to wrap up warm in the world of tomorrow, what with global warming and the microwave effect of all this net traffic we should be all cozy like. Got a question? - Click here to ask away

Now if May was the month for anything it was virus month. "I Love You" "Resume" etc. Whilst updating my virus definitions I noted that apparently my pc is protected from 27,482 known viruses. Now you have to agree that's a lot isn't it?
SARC warns of particularly nasty ones and gives information accordingly. I looked at the effects of some of the lesser known ones, most just add a single word to a file, the name of the virus normally, what a waste. If you are going to write a virus then write one that no one will ever forget. If Shagnasty were a virus, it would go like this...

SARC warns of a virus on route to the West via a small principality just off the coast of France, a place called England to give it it's full title.

The virus, distributed via E-mail attachments under the subject heading "Hello, fancy a cup of Earl Grey" will, once opened, infect your PC and then mail it's self to all persons within your address book in addition to the person you last sat next to on the bus, your mothers 1st Cousin, your math's teacher, any pizza delivery boy within a 4.6 mile radius and Joan Collins.

Whilst users report various results from contracting this virus the main documented actions are listed below for your information: -

It will corrupt all files on your main drive.
It will replace all files on secondary drive with images of nice sunny places.
Your PC case will turn purple.
It will kick your cat
It will sleep with your mother-in-law
It will then write a note to your wife saying that you did it.
It will vote Liberal Democrat
It will pour anti-freeze in your fish tank
It will stub your toe
It will purchase Spice Girls CD's on your credit card
Shave your eyebrows
Move your car randomly parking it nearby
Kick your dog

It will leave your toilet seat up if girl, if boy down
Give you Dutch Elm disease
Leave bacon cooking when you go out shopping
Shout at your kids to "Go play up their own end"
Your zipper will fall down every other hour
Your PC mouse will demand food
Your mobile phone ringing tone will be changed to "YMCA" by Village People.
It will age your girlfriend 25 years
She will still fancy you however!
Spiders will nest in your armpits
It will seduce your Grandmother, be she alive or dead.
It will put sugar in your petrol tank

Now that's what I call a virus!
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Football
What's football then. Well in the US it's one thing but in the UK it's another thing entirely. If we ignore the obvious point that your players are a bunch of namby-pamby girlies wearing more body amour than Sir Lancelot and the game takes the best part of a month to complete there are still other differences that remain.
As I understand it over there it's a family sport involving a day sat in a comfy stadium eating hotdogs and popcorn, all in relative security with your only concern being the odd pickpocket or perhaps some bloke spoiling your view. Over here things can be a different matter, unfortunately! Football matches are dangerous places, not for the faint hearted and definitely not for those who don't have at least some combat experience. A tour in Grenada won't do, were talking hard battle here people.
First the required equipment for the average English footy fan: - 1. Coins with sharpened edges. (For throwing at the other teams goalkeeper.) 2. Bald head. (Makes it easier to apply all over face paint for easy tribal identification during ensuing melee.) 3. Team scarf. (For pulling over face during combat in close proximity of TV crew.) 4. Donor Card. (Clearly noting the fact that only supporters of your team are to be given your bits.) 5. Footy phrase book. (With classics like "the other team started it", "the police started it" & "I wasn't there".) 6. False passport (Anything other than English will suffice, you wont get in the other teams country otherwise)
Now you're equipped it's off to the match. If it's an English game travel is easier, foreign matches will require your entering their country from an unusual route to avoid waiting English police on loan to the host nation. Via Somalia, Afghanistan or Libya are all better than the UK, as the UK spells trouble to most nations. Once within the host nation you are required to seek out other Brits, normally identified by Union Jack shorts or flag being worn like a cape. Those fans choosing not to wear this national costume normally give their identify away by screaming abuse at anybody who doesn't look like Prince Charles and therefore might be foreign. Better safe than sorry eh! Once enough Brits are gathered together it's considered good form to run rampage through a public place causing as much damage as you can to local businesses and injury to members of the public going about their business. The mere sight of opposing teams supporters should result in a berserker style charge towards them using any available objects as weapons, chairs, tables, telephone kiosks are all considered acceptable. Of course any retaliation on the part of the other team should bring about immediate cries of "they started it" and similarly police action should be countered with the phrase "police brutality" preferably aimed towards the nearest TV cameraman. After several running battles you should be ready for the match, obviously if your team looses you need to repeat all of the above increased to the power of the number of goals by which you lost. Should you win however, well do it all again for good measure. After all we are talking about foreigners here aren't we. Finally return home and continue to support the English football club of your choice which is full of foreign players as your home grown ones are all so crap. Football. It's a funny old game.
Want to make your own appeal, do it here.

What's Yours Called Then...?

A few suggestions for those of you who may not have named your most precious of body parts yet. (What have you been doing!)

72 Weird and wonderful names for that marvelous piece of equipment known to biology teachers (but no one else) as "The Penis"
"Penis" simply wont do. It's just to anatomical, to sterile, to dam boring. Far better to Christen your proud reproductive member with something livelier.
But knowing that one name might be good for one circumstance and not another, I have placed my suggestions for you good people under various situational headings.

Hey, don't thank me, I'm just glad to be of service.
(Sorry about the coloured boxes, don't know what came over me!)

For Use Down The Pub Trouser Trout (20th Century US) Wife's Best Friend (20th Century) Spam-Javelin (1990's) Lad (20th Century) Trouser Mauser (1950 Canada) Adam's Arsenal (19th Century) Bacon Bazooka (1990's) Honker (1970's) One-eyes Trouser Snake (1960's Australia) Screwdriver (20th Century)	In The Bedroom Moisture Missile (1990's) Coral Branch (19th Century) Thumb of Love (20th Century) Stargazer (17th Century) Cupid's Torch (19th Century) Pocket Rocket (1990's) Toy (19th Century) Love Arm (1990's)
Who Are You Calling A...? Dipstick (1960's US) Fanny Rat (1960's) Piece (1930's) Poodle (1920's US) Prick (16th Century) Maggot (20th Century)	When Respect Is Due The Foremen (19th Century) The Corporal (20th Century US) The Master of Ceremonies (19th Century) The Gentleman Usher (16th Century) The Old Soldier (1970's US) Sir Martin Wagstaff (17th Century) The Grandfather Clock (20th Century)
Not In Front Of Your Mates Dingwallace (1920's US) Tallywacker (18th Century) Doodle-flap (Late 19th Century) Diddlywhacker (1960's US) Tiddleypush (1930's Ireland) Flim-Flam (1970's US) Pillicock (14th Century) Crimson Chitterling (19th Century)	Not In Front Of Your Mother Quimstake (17th Century) Crack-Haunter (19th Century) Purple-Headed Avenger (1990's) Tit-Bit (17th Century) Gravy-Giver (19th Century) Womb-Broom (20th Century) Bush-Whacker (20th Century) Cunny-Catcher (17th Century) Babymaker (1900's) Shag-Stick (20th Century) Bald-Headed Hermit (19th Century) Salty Yoghurt Slinger (20th Century)
Who's A Good Little...? Winkle (1940's) Doodle (18th Century) Peenie (20th Century) Dibble (19th Century) Thingummy (18th Century) Nudge (20th Century)	Johnny Foreigner Gooter (18th Century, Ireland) Doob (1950's, Australia) Winny-Popper (1950's, Canada) Schwanz (20th Century, Yiddish) Mad Mick (20th Century, Australia)

Mine, well I call it "The Persuader"

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Shagnasty's June 2000 Penis Owner Club
Issue Three (3)	Release Date: 1st June 2000		© penisowner.com 1996-2000
Welcome to the World Wide Family of Penis Owners. Not a member? Welcome anyway but you can join here, if you want!
Penis Owner Club Web site		Penis Owners Manual
Previous Issues		Legal Stuff

Shagnasty's Rant

Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.

Tangent Man's Technology Explanation

What's Yours Called Then...?