A note from your Editor, Shagnasty:

Well my brothers and only friends, here is the 2nd issue of the POC. The 1st was well received judging by my mail bag. There are obviously others out there who share my love for all things fairly silly and inane. Good on you people for you will surely ascend to a higher plane!

OK, so what's happened since last month. April was dull by many standards, its not winter and yet it isn't summer either. It did however contain Rolf Harris' 70th birthday and the sad death of Mr Iain Dury, two of my heroes as may know. I was amazed and disappointed to note that my invitation to Rolf's birthday party must have got lost in the post and I never wanted to see the day that invitations to Ian's funeral would go out, but there you go. Life goes on, listen to a Dury track for me wont you fellow Blockheads.

Subscriptions to the POC are up with more being received daily, this cheers me up no end. The big change of course is the new address of www.penisowner.com. Easier to remember, but dam embarrassing to register I can tell you.

A merchandise page has appeared on the site linked from the home page where I have been offering Shagnasty T-Shirts for a laugh. Thanks to the model, she knows who she is!
I have received so many requests for the items so I might have to look into actually doing it for real, weird eh! I wear mine with pride wherever I go, the abuse shouted at me from passing cars adds a real interest to my day.

OK, enough rambling from me, enjoy this months offerings, a quick index is provided below as usual below or you can just make your way through the site all casual like. You are more than welcome to send in your own submissions using the feedback link. Getting in print is reserved for the worthy only, but success will bring rewards and will truly identify the quality of your character.

Your regular contributors, as always are: -

Shagnasty	Demonic Dave	Tangent Man
info	info	info

They await your bidding!

Enjoy!

Shagnasty's Big Serious One:
Is bigger always better, read this as the answer can be "Hell No!" my friends.

Shagnasty's Rant: This months topic, advertising and ADIDAS save the world, apparently!

Shagnasty's two-word Revue: This month a book revue my friends, just to show that I'm cultured.

Penis Stuff from around the world: Time to add New Zealand to the list of places to avoid people!

Rolf Harris: His face, as always, graces my page.

Demonic's Religious Comment: Southern Baptists this month, Oh and dinosaurs.

Ian's Tangent: TM explains the Synthesizer, sort of!

Shagnasty's Diary: of a man who glued his penis to a wall.

UK appeals to US: This month we want your food!

Penis Fancy Dress: This issue a reader goes for the whole body look. Good on that man!

Sponsors: Another name for advertisements people, well you cant blame me for trying can you?

Guest Contributor: This space reserved for a future issue. Want it?, no takers as yet. It can be serious or silly, you choose.

Readers Feedback: Your comments in print.

Monthly thought: -

Dare to be different

Shagnasty's Rant

Sorry people but it's got to be done. "Adidas Makes you better"

Now before you start shouting "It's only and advertisement, we all know that it's not true" I would say, I know. However the recent claims being made by my trusty television is that "Adidas Makes You Better" "Makes you more generous" & get this one, "Adidas, making the world a better place". Now I'm willing to accept that my telly tells me lies, I know that if I board an airline with my crappy cattle-class ticket I'm never going to see the sort of seats and luxury that are presented in their ads. No, I'm going to be shoe-horned into a 1943 seat salvaged from a downed Stuka dive bomber located at the bottom of the English Channel. The only luxury that I will see if is I am fortunate enough to develop a pressure induced air bubble on my brain forcing about a temporary coma.

I'm not concerned about me, nor you really, the fact that you are reading this shows that you have a highly developed sense of good taste. No, I'm concerned about the great unwashed, the members of the general public who actually believe in this crap. You know who they are, there the people who quote The Sun or National Enquirer like you or I might quote Charles Darwin. They probably have a fully paid up membership with The Flat Earth Society too.

Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum - I smell the blood of a gullible bum!

These people see Adidas claiming that wearing their shoes makes you a better person and probably suggest that if a pair had been handed to Mr Pol Pot for example it would have saved a lot of unnecessary heart ache. No doubt a pair thrown in the direction of Pontius Pilot at the opportune moment would have increased his generosity level considerably thereby sparing a certain Mr Christ from paying for the sins of our forefathers, not to mention those that the likes of you and I hadn't even committed yet.

I yearn for a bit of honesty from adverts, the day that a company announces that "Smith's Toilet Tissue - Gets the shit of your arse and you finger wont go through" would be a happy day indeed.

This issues list of offenders are: -

Adidas - Makes your more generous. (This despite the fact that you will be considerably more skint after forking out for their over priced product)
PPP Healthcare "For all your needs" Unless its your teeth of course, or your back, Oh yeah your legs are out too, and anything else that we can wriggle out of.
Shredded Wheat "May be good for your heart" Well I may shag Madonna or Cindy Crawford, I may even give you all my money, but I somehow doubt it eh?

Shagnasty Says: Stop lying people, stop attempting to convince me that so-and-so celebrity has even heard of your product never mind actually uses it. Tell the truth for a change, go on, I dare you. Mr Ratner did, and it worked for him didn't it!

Got a rant of your own?

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Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

War & Peace

"Too Long"

I'd like to say that I found the revolving interaction of the 5 families during the wars left a lot unsaid and that Anna Karenina was much more insightful and passionate than the book suggests. But I cant because I didn't finish it, it's too ruddy long.

I might suggest that it It is an interplay of the subtle and the obvious, from Pierre's struggle to find peace to the innocent young Natasha's love for Prince Andrey, and Bezuhov or that I was affected by Tolstoys ruminations on the nature or war and life, had I finished it of course, which I didn't because it's too long.

I could offer that Tolstoy, who was never a soldier, did not know the battlefields he spoke of and therefore failed to convey an air of authority that the book so lacked, but I cant because I didn't finish it, it's too ruddy long.

From the energetic Natasha to the shy Princess Marya. The loveable Pierre and the perfect Nikolay Rostov. The book is a great masterpiece and the perfect book for anyone with interest's in Romance, Action, History, War or Russia, if you ever finish it that is! Because, and I warn you, it's too ruddy long.

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Kiwi student crucifies penis
Gross-out contest winner horrifies New Zealand.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
By Hank Hyena

Feb. 23, 2000 | A Christchurch student who stapled his penis to a crucifix then set it on fire during a televised pub promotion -- How far will you go? -- did not breach the norms of good taste, according to a controversial ruling by a New Zealand television authority.

To demolish his pub rivals, Thomas Hendry stapled his staff to a crucifix 18 times with an industrial-strength stapler, then drenched it in cigarette lighter fluid and ignited it in a meat-cooking blaze.

Trader McKendry, the Christchurch tavern that sponsored the contest, gave Hendry a whopping jackpot of about U.S. $245 in cash and the same amount in a bar credit.

"The stunt was unusual and macabre," the Broadcasting Standards Authority conceded, but the footage shown on state-owned television's "Havoc 2000 Deluxe" show fell just short of breaking broadcasting boundaries.

The organ ordeal was videotaped in its excruciating entirety and subsequently broadcast by Television New Zealand (TVNZ) reports Agence France-Presse. Audiences were warned repeatedly that the upcoming footage was "graphic and disgusting," but the cock-crippling clip was actually edited so extensively that it was difficult to comprehend the magnitude of the genital torture.

Shagnasty Says: Good grief! I know that fame costs but there has to be a price people. The very idea that a nation, any nation, can consider this entertainment is beyond me. Mind you the US did give us T.J.Hooker now didn't they!

For months, TVNZ has been under fierce attack from Prime Minister Helen Clark who has accused the network of being shamelessly ratings-driven.

Two viewers did complain, but the decency watchdog defended itself by asserting that the pecker-pulverizing act was within the periphery of its good taste because the network edited some of the most explicit aspects of the stunt.

How much wounding can a poor weenie endure? Hendry evidently heals quickly because he's already contemplating a repeat performance of his sausage-slaughtering ritual.

The next annihilation will be slightly less severe: Hendry concedes that he'll use fewer staples and have a bucket of water ready to put out the flames quickly.

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Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.

Southern Baptists

Dinosaurs did NOT co-exist with humans. Stop kidding yourselves into believing this outrageous crap. Don't you think that the presence of some dirty great Saurapod strolling all casual like through the Garden of Gethsemane would have got a mention in the bible.

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Be warned!

Demonic operates outside of the control of the POC, he alone is responsible for his comments.

Tangent Man's Technology Explanation
What's a Synthesizer?
Well, it's a musical machine of consistency, a sound machine (not a machine for reproducing sounds) which molecularizes and atomizes, ionizes sound matter, and harnesses a cosmic energy. If this machine must have an assemblage it is the synthesizer. by assembling modules, source elements, and elements for treating sound (oscillators, generators and transformers) by arranging microintervals, the synthesizer makes audible the production process itself and puts us into contact with still other elements beyond sound matter.
It unites disparate elements in the material and transposes the parameters from one formula to another. The synthesizer with its operation of consistency has taken the place of the ground in a priori synthetic judgment: its synthesis is of the molecular and the cosmic, material and force, not forma and matter, ground and territory. philosophy is not longer synthetic judgment; it is like a thought synthesizer functioning to make thought travel, make it mobile, make it a force of the cosmos. OK? Shagnasty Says: Oh!, thanks for clearing that one up for me mate, now go beat a drum for Gods sake man. Got a question? - Click here to ask away

This document was found on March 15th 1986 in a squalid abode located just east of Newcastle. It was removed from the skeletal remains of a male found propped against a wall.
Let it be a warning to us all...

OCT 19th -That's it I decided and glued my penis to the wall. That's the last time it will bother me. It's ruled my life for just too dam long.
OCT 20th - I'm feeling quite sore because I cant go to the toilet. I glued my penis hole shut. I suppose I should have thought about urinating. I'm also a bit thirsty and hungry, oh well.

OCT 21st - I'm now dam hungry and my throat is quite dry. My dog is barking for his dinner.

OCT 22nd - I've found a way to urinate by poking a hole in the shaft of my penis out of which the urine did flow. I did it with this pen. My dog drank the urine, I wish I'd thought to catch some and do the same.

OCT 23rd - My dog has died of dehydration, I fear I may be next.

OCT 24th - My landlord was knocking at the door for his rent. I'm too weak to call for help now. I've eaten all the meat off my left hand, it's the only nourishment I've had in days.

OCT 25th - After several days of sleeping standing up my legs are very tired. I'm going to eat my right hand now, Wont be able to write anymore. Bye...

Want to share your diary, click here.

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"Feed us, in the name of God feed us."

As a nation my experience of the US is that it appears to have the best and worst of everything, that's it's charm and it's curse. England, well we have history or what we natives like to call - "Old shit".

The biggest and most noticeable difference the two nations citizens might see when they swap places however is the food. Yours is great, ours is barely edible swill thrown in front of us by some miserable git who probably spends the quiet afternoons counting bacteria cultures in the kitchen.

Now I'm not talking fast food here, that's crap the world over. The great claim made by the Evil Beef Clown is that his burgers are the same everywhere, he's right, bloody awful wherever you go. No, I refer to your common or garden restaurant, in the US the food is good, generously proportioned and usually served with a smile. I don't care how false that smile might be I get one and that's what matters.

Your average dining experience in the UK would involve the customary "being ignored by the waiter for at least ten minutes" followed by the "I'll begrudgingly show you to your seat then shall I" before ignoring you a little more for good measure.
The average menu will contain pictures of the food for those that cant read, namely the waiting staff, and you would never actually stand much chance of deviating from the set menu. Try asking for a Rack of Ribs without the Bar-B-Que sauce and watch the tempers fly. Why? Well to ask for such a thing would result in them having to actually cook yours to order or wash the sauce off under running water prior to re-heating it in the already overworked microwave.

If you were to ever dare to suggest that something wasn't satisfactory your waiter will announce, in loud tones to ensure that all the other diners hear, that you've had a bite out of it and will have to pay for it.

Now that's what I call service.

It never ceases to amaze me that somebody who clearly cant cook and has not the first idea of customer service will open a restaurant, I mean Christ, imagine if brain surgeons or pilots were to be treated with as little care as the catering industry whose only training is limited to preventing them from actually killing you from food poisoning, serving bland and tasteless offerings is OK it would seem.

In the minds of us Brits, it seems, a restaurant is simply a business, like a clothes shop, with no specialized knowledge required.

I'm sorry people but the only mad cows in the average English restaurant are the ones ordering the food.

"Don't worry, I've washed my hands sir."

Want to make your own appeal, do it here.

(Don't get to comfy in the US, it's your turn next month!)

Shagnasty's Penis Fancy Dress

Hmm, some people cant resist doing that bit more can they.

Encouraged by last months Penis Fancy Dress this chap has gone for the all over look. The most disturbing thing however might be the fact that he appears to have actually gone out in public dressed in this fashion. I can only assume that he lives in Wales.

Warning! Whilst the pictures on the Penis Fancy Dress page cannot really be described as pornography, some do contain, lets face it, a picture of a penis. If you think that you might be offended, “don’t look Ethel”. It’s that simple.

Click here to view this issue’s creation, oh and previous months too.

Think you’ve got a better one?
Send it in then.

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Rolf Harris Zone

As always, HRH's face is below for you stare at in wonder.

Happy Birthday Rolf
*************

Many Thanks to Owen for writing in with the following Rolf Memory for the group to share!
He writes...

"When I was in 6th grade, 1972, Rolf Harris came to my city, Calgary, Alberta, Canada, to perform a concert. As part of his tour he visited two schools. My school was his lucky morning visit. He was very funny and entertaining. I can still remember the doodigery (spelling) (SN: He he) and the board that he used.

Later I heard a record of his and laughed myself silly."

I am Owen"

Indeed you are my friend, indeed you are.

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Shagnasty's May 2000 Penis Owner Club
Issue Two (2)	Release Date: 1st May 2000		© penisowner.com 2000
Welcome to the World Wide Family of Penis Owners. Not a member? Welcome anyway but you can join here, if you want!
Penis Owner Club Web site		Penis Owners Manual
Previous Issues		Legal Stuff

Shagnasty's Rant

Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.

Tangent Man's Technology Explanation

Rolf Harris Zone