Shagnasty's November 2000 Penis Owner Club
Issue Eight (8)	Release Date: 1st November 2000		© PenisOwner.com 1996-2000
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A note from your Editor, Shagnasty:

Greetings once again my brothers and only friends, here is the 8th edition of the POC, Well I'm back in the UK. Cold weather and miserable buggers everywhere I look replace the sunshine of Florida and the smiling faces of numerous waitresses. I had a great time, thanks for asking, and have returned well, in one piece and the only infraction of the US's laws for which I was responsible, or at least caught, was a parking ticket. (As yet unpaid) Having landed in Orlando's Sanford airport with thousands of other Brits about to hit the theme parks I did my best to distance myself from them heading for St Petersberg with my three chums where we collected our aircraft and started our fly-drive holiday, albeit without the drive bit. Mine would have been a fly-fly then I guess. We landed at numerous different airports and all were most welcoming and it has to be said far better then those in the UK. Similarly the Air Traffic Control Systems employed in the US are also a great improvement than those over here. The UK control system primarily consists of "go away" which can be awkward when flying at 3 thousand feet not sure of where you're going. I know that Florida is the most un-American state that I have visited but I do enjoy my occasional US trips and this was no exception. Traveling North to East, West then South, then back to the middle again I think that we gave the state of Florida a good run and this months POC will reflect my visit. Where next? West Coast perhaps, or maybe Arizona. Right people, on with the POC, and remember - enjoy.

Your regular contributors, as always are: -

Shagnasty	Demonic Dave	Tangent Man
info	info	info

They await you!

Enjoy!

Shagnasty's Big Serious One:
Oops! Sorry people no time this month, what with the holiday and whatever! (Will try harder next month I promise)

Shagnasty's Rant: On returning home from holiday, I did a very foolish thing. Now I rant.

This space dedicated to the English Para-Olympic team that did so well in Australia. Well done ladies & gents.

UK appeals to US: Something else that you have that I want, and I always get what I wont, don't I.

Demonic's Religious Comment: Halloween, Demonic mourns the loss of his favourite holiday.

Tangent Man: New element discovered. Tangent breaks the news.

National Shagnasty's Vacation: I report on the great Shagnasty holiday. Some pics too!

Penis File: No file people. Sorry but something had to suffer whilst I was away.

Shagnasty's Perfect Moment: Its been a few months since I had my last perfect moment, my holiday brought me another.

Shagnasty's Little World (Technical Specifications: In Pictures): This month, my home.

Sponsors: Another name for advertisements people, well you cant blame me for trying can you?

This Space for rent!: Want to submit a section, then write in why don't ya?

Readers Feedback: Your comments in print.

Monthly thought: -

Come fly with me, come fly, lets fly away...

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Shagnasty's Righteous Rant

Sorry people but it's got to be done. "Home, and don't I know it"

Having spent the last few weeks in the US eating damn good food, well cooked and reasonably priced served by proficient smiling staff what was the worst thing that I could do on my return? Yup that's right, on Wednesday I went into a British motorway service station. I'll give all prices in Dollars just so that any Americans reading can appreciate what I mean about the costs even if they cant experience the rubbery cold crap that claims to be food.

Ok, first things first and I filled up the car's petrol tank, cost = $68.00. Then it's off to the restaurant where I'm served barely warm sausages (x 2 - tiny), beans, sauté potatoes (cold) and fried bread (cold) and a glass of coke (no refills). This delightful plate of crap cost $9.52.
The meat content of the sausages was highly dubious; I suspect that the average asparagus tip may have more meat in it. I declined the inclusion of a single slice of toast at the bargain price of 68 cents, so too the single small bread roll at 98 cents, believing that the plate of torture that I was holding already contained enough punishment for me.

Signs hanging above my head reading "Fair Deal" should of course read "F**k You" for that is surely what happens to me every time that all common sense and personal standards desert me and I enter these establishments.

Oh when will I learn?

(P.S. I would be most interested to hear the views of any person not from England on our service stations, should you have been so unfortunate to have eaten in one of these establishments)

Previous Rant Update: - Those of you who have read previous rants will be aware that one of the things that particularly gets my ranting juices going is advertisers claiming that something that you have to pay for is "free". British Telecom is one of my least favourite offenders, I can have "free" Internet access for £30.00 a month is the example in this case. Well it would appear that someone is listening. The ASA (Advertising Standards Authority) has ruled that companies cannot state that something is free if the user is expected to pay for any element of the service.

On close examination of their official and published ruling it unfortunately lacked any mention of the phrase "dirty lying ponces" but it's a step in the right direction at least.

"Shagnasty, righting wrongs on behalf of consumers everywhere", Hmm, I may have a T-Shirt made with that on...

Got a rant of your own?

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Ponder Blast
19.10.2000

Is it me or is the wind getting stronger?

UK & US Flag, waving actually!

On behalf of the UK, Shagnasty appeals to the citizens of the US.
Despite your numerous large and looming problems, you appear to have got some of the small things right that here in the UK we fail to manage, such as...

Right on Red & Flashing Amber Signals

"Right On Red and flashing Amber traffic signals."

Clearly the work of a genius, of all the things that America has that we don't, one of the greatest must surely be Right-On-Red. I want it, although Left-On-Red may work a bit better over here!

The very idea that you can legally go through a red traffic light to turn right, as long as there is no dirty great truck aiming at you, and continue on your merry journey has me green with envy. Here in the UK you are required to sit patiently awaiting a full green signal, it's 3 in the morning and you have visibility in excess of three miles in each direction and you want to go left at the junction, but no you cant move from that spot. Over here you must stay exactly where you are, staring at no traffic and no pedestrians. You could be the last man on the earth and in the UK you must sit there awaiting some bloody little green bulb before you dare even think about moving forward.

Similarly on the most deserted of roads with the best of visibility there is no flashing amber light signalling that you can proceed if you are careful, looking in all directions etc. Oh no, over here we have RED, signalling that you're an idiot incapable of moving your vehicle in any direction at any time without the appropriate signal first being displayed. You can't possibly be allowed to think, the lights will think for you.

I live in London and we sit in the most obscene traffic jams, thousands of cars all sitting there, drivers picking their noses with reckless abandon (not me of course, I'm a ball scratcher myself!) watching each others rear ends creeping towards some bloody set of lights that are totally out of phase with the rest of the world, never mind the nearby streets. The simple addition of left-on-red would allow a great proportion of those cars to get on their way, but no, you must sit, and sit, and wait, and sit.

Once again citizens of the US I call upon you to invade our country and impose your rule upon us. I'll put up with eggs with everything, commercial breaks that are longer than the actual programmes and Pee Wee Herman if I can have left-on-red and flashing amber lights, please.

You'll have to do something about that speed limit though; my nose bleeds if I travel at less than 90mph.

Want to make your own appeal, do it here.

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Survey Blast
26.10.2000

A UK survey stated that the average British male has sex 2.3 times a week.
If that's the case I must be carrying Cliff Richard.

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.

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"Halloween"
This used to be my favourite holiday, my Christmas if you will. These days however it's been bloody hijacked.

Demonic operates outside of the control of the POC, he alone is responsible for his comments.

Halloween, once a frightening and superstitious time of year for telling ghost stories, baking cakes as offerings to the souls of the dead and the damned and carving fruit and veg has now been hijacked by the snot faced hordes.

Usually I love to see the children out in the streets dressed in funny clothing, having a wonderful time and mocking the devil with laughter. I sit there and quietly think to myself about the surprised expression that will hit their faces on the day when they are turned back from the Pearly Gates, for that time they looked over the shoulder of a classmate during an exam, into the waiting arms of Beelzebub and his demonic legions of the dead. But on the 31 October each year I’d gladly shoot the lot of them and speed up their inevitable journey. “Trick or treat mister?” Bang!
At the very least I'd be punching their little faces into new and exciting shapes.

An exhaustive trawl through the customs of this little country turns up plenty of good pagan Halloween practices like the slaughter of weak animals and making really hard toffee, but very little about ritualised begging.
That’s Yank stuff.

They stick on a Freddy Kruger mask and an old pillowcase, and the little bleeders think it gives them the right to trample my herbaceous borders, tip my compost heap over and litter the place with empty tins of Iron Brew. It says “Sod Off” on my doormat and last year one of them laid a turd right in the “O”, and they want bloody sweets too!

Not this time, I’m prepared for the little shits. If any of the kids actually manage to get past the rabid dogs, bear traps, boiling oil and the assortment of barbed wire obstacles, I’ll give them bobbing apples. But I’ll give them half bricks in hydrochloric acid. Lets see how cheeky they are with no face.

Still you never know, this Halloween the night may be filled with real Satanists and witches at the peak of their supernatural powers. Let them clean the streets, making sacrifices of the runt bastards and candles from their fat.

Now that would be a treat!

"Can you really disagree?, no you cant can you"

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Fact Blast
28.10.2000

Apparently the average 5 year old has a vocabulary of 9 thousand words.
"What's a vocabulary?"

Tangent Man
New Element Discovered
"New Element Discovered" "Bureaucratium" Scientists have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Bureaucratium Bm. This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, and are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Bureaucratium is inert.
However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Bureaucratium causes 1 reaction to take more than 4 days to complete when it normally takes less than a second. Bureaucratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. In fact, a Bureaucratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganisation, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. The characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Bureaucratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hyporthetical quantity is referred to "Critical Morass".
Shagnasty Says: - Well this month I'm not going to comment on the above, and not just because I don't understand a bloody word of it either. Oh no, because this month I have found out that Tangent Man has got me tickets to see the great Tom Jones on 16th December. I'm a happy Shagnasty indeed. (Tangent Man thanks James Blake of Blakeysoft.com for this months article.) Got a question for the Tangent Man? - Click here to ask it.

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Weird Blast
31.10.2000

Toil & trouble, I can see you with my Hubble!

Shagnasty's
"Holiday Report"
Oh yes, I'm back, but not without comment...
...Of course!

The holiday was to sunny Florida, USA. A place that I have visited before over ten years ago. On that occasion however I hired a car and did the theme park thing and a week in Daytona, where I still fondly recall being asked to leave a bar for singing Raw-Hide very badly on their Karaoke night. This time however the trip was to be different. The vehicle of choice for the two week period was to be the most complex and ingenious of all man's inventions, at the heart of which sat a thin-skinned perishable bag of carbon, calcium, and phosphorous combined with oxygen and nitrogen, a few ounces of sulphur and chlorine, traces of iron, iodine, cobalt and molybdenum added to fat and forty litres of water. Yes that's right, me flying an aircraft. * "The Four That Flew Away" ...and just think, we may have flown over your grannies house, scary eh?**
Shagnasty's Florida Holiday Awards The Prestigious Shagnasty Awards are given in the following categories.
Barmaid with best feet StAugstine Pilots Bar: Cant remember her name, don't know if she told me in fact, but she did have very good feet.	Best Hotel Receptionist Lara, Days Inn St Petersburg airport: She let me ~~steal~~, err I mean borrow, fresh baked cookies from the kitchen whilst the chef wasn't looking.
Biggest American Flag Richards Restaurant, International Drive: It was bloody huge I tell you; in fact if you laid it on the floor you might have to declare it a State.	Best Ariel View Ceder Key: Charming little place with a runway sitting off the coast on its own little island. Looked a bit on the small side though so I didn't try landing on it. Shame really.
Best Airport Gainesville: The red carpet placed at my aircraft door on landing won it for me, very nice touch indeed. Good coffee too.	Best Bar Balls Bar, Gainesville: It was a mediocre bar until dozens (literally) of young ladies arrived for their sorority night celebrations. What joy! What Fun!
Best Barman Marc, Balls Bar, Gainesville: Without a doubt, this guy really knows how to run a bar. Scruffy, with a couldn't-care-less attitude. My kind of barman.	Worst Toilet Balls Bar, Gainesville: I can't even begin to describe the horrors that lurked in the restroom of this establishment. One of my party refused to enter walking a mile down the road to find an alternative. Other than that though, it was a damn good bar.
Best Bar Fly Patrick, Balls Bar, Gainesville: Nice dude with a goatee beard who hitched a lift in the plane to Daytona.	Best Waitress Bobby, Texas Joe's: She guessed exactly why we wanted our change in one-dollar bills! And announced it to the rest of the room.
Strangest Boobs Larna, Days Inn, Orlando: Either she had a couple of Apollo 10 capsules stuffed down her jumper or she was a big Madonna fan in the early 90's.	Best Boobs Sharon, Balls Bar, Gainesville: It was the glitter that gave her the edge. I have to say though the US is populated with some very good boobs. (Not including Al Gore that is, were talking breasts here people.)
The Grand Winner therefore is... *Balls Bar, Gainesville, Florida.* A full Shagnasty Three Gold Stars Are Awarded.

Some Holiday Snaps For Ya

To say I wasn't happy with the hire car is something of an understatement...

Picture of shabby Jeep

And the hotel left a lot to be desired too...
Picture of shabby hotel

I swear this bugger followed me for the whole two weeks!

"Shagnasty calling Shag's Lair, Ceder Key in sight, commencing bombing run. Tally Ho!"

Hey America!
*Five Things that you really don't need to do...*	*Five things that really do need to do...*
Restaurant menus don't actually need to be the size of one of Moses' ten commandment tablets. Some of the menus given to were a two-man lift, huge only comes close in its descriptive capacity. Breakfasts don't have to involve eggs, other food sources are available you know. When asked for something other than egg I was actually offered powdered egg as an alternative! Beer is allowed to contain some degree of flavour and indeed some alcohol. Being fizzy and dam cold just isn't enough. Steaks do come in cuts smaller than 20oz, Charlie's Steak house take note. (Dam good steak though, even if it was the size of my mother.) Steak knives don't need to have been prized from Davey Crockets cold dead hands. Some of the knives I was offered were man enough to fillet a brontosaurus.	Give people who don't possess an American accent the benefit of the doubt, were not all Australian. Just because someone's English it doesn't mean that they know the queen or in fact your 2nd cousin who lives somewhere in York! Walk now and again. One motel receptionist actually changed my room when she realised that I didn't have a car fearing that I wouldn't manage the 80-yard walk. And I have a swimmers build for God's sake!!! Say, "I don't know" when asked for directions. A desire to be helpful is good but when you really don't have a clue of the answer its not actually that helpful. Before screaming "Bomb Them" when watching tragic news on the TV, have some idea of who "Them" actually are.

Crazy Holiday Conversations
(Sadly all true...but some of the strange exchanges that I enjoyed whilst on holiday in Florida)

The Scene: Discussing different flavours of jelly with a waitress in a diner.

Waitress - We have strawberry or blueberry
Shagnasty - Don't you have anything other then that?
Waitress - No, why? What else do you have in Australia?
Shagnasty - I'm not from Australia, but in England we have lots of flavours, raspberry or plum for example
Waitress - Plum, is that like a prickly pear? We have to wear gloves when we pick them you know.
Shagnasty - Err, no, I didn't know. I do know that you wouldn't want a prickly pair of plums though. [riotous laughter follows from me and my group, for in England plums is another word for testicles]
Waitress - [Confused looks towards group of mature men laughing like school children.]

Moral: It doesn't take much to amuse an Englishman.
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The Scene: Budweiser demonstration and taste test at Busch Gardens, Tampa FL.

Bud Lady - I will be giving you two glasses of Bud, one of which is old and I want you to see if you can taste the difference
Shagnasty - Bring on the beer Madame.
Bud Lady - [Sour look whilst pouring two glasses of beer]. One of these beers has been punished by heat at enormous cost to ruin it.
Shagnasty - Last night I was punished by Lola and it only cost me a hundred dollars and did me the world of good.
Bud Lady - [even more sour look]

Moral: I told you it doesn't take much to amuse an Englishman.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Scene: Waiter walking towards me with two pitchers of beer of different sizes.

Waiter - Would you like a large one sir?
Shagnasty - No thanks mate, already got one. [Thrusting groin in a Tom Jones style]
Waiter - [puzzled, and somewhat alarmed expression]

Moral: Remember that England is the nation that gave you "Benny Hill" and "Carry-On" and we never miss the opportunity for some genital or toilet related humour.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Scene: Being served breakfast.

Waiter - How would you like your eggs.
Shagnasty - Absent.
Waiter - My names Kevin.

Moral: If the answer isn't on their list of expected responses, forget it.
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The Scene: Walking towards a well dressed male on sidewalk.

Shagnasty - Excuse me, can you tell me where I can buy some stamps?
Male - I'm sorry but I don't speak Spanish.
Shagnasty - [very puzzled look as male walks away]

Moral: God knows.
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(Note: Before any residents of Florida write in and complain that I chopped a bit of your State off the maps to the right, read on. It's nothing compared to what you buggers did to the whole of my nation.)

Map of Florida

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Shagnasty's Penis File/Picture Of The Month

Nope, sorry people but not this month. I have been away you know.

Previous months penis files however are here.

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Shagnasty's Perfect Moment.
Every now and again everything comes together to give you one of those perfect moments. My last reported perfect moment was back in April, my holiday brought me another, which of course I share with you good people.

It was a nice sunny Wednesday afternoon and flying the approach to Gainesville Airport FL revealed a fairly ordinary American town, albeit dominated by a university campus. On landing a chap appeared and marshalled me into an overnight parking spot on the airfield waving his ping-pong bats with an encouraging enthusiasm. I completed my after-landing and engine shut down checks and was surprised to note that he was still there standing in front of my aircraft when I had finished.

On opening the door and stepping out I noted that he had placed a red carpet on the ground for me, "Nice touch" I thought. Almost immediately a 6 seater golf cart arrived and drove me and my crew to the pilots lounge where comfortable seating and coffee awaited me. The charming lady behind the desk advised me that my aircraft would be parked, the windscreen cleaned and the oil checked ready for my departure the next day. She then offered to arrange for accommodation at the local Holiday Inn at a discounted rate and transport to and from the airport. Her kind offer was accepted and we were soon on our way.

On my arrival at the Hotel I noted a large painting of a map of the world on a nearby wall, the flags of many nations forming a border. Standing 20 feet in height it was indeed an impressive sight. I noted that the flag of my nation, England, had been omitted which was slightly upsetting but nothing compared to the feeling experienced when I saw that the whole of the British Isle was missing from the map as well!

(The horror my eyes witnessed are below for you to share)
A map of the world, but wait, where is the UK - Bastards!

After settling in to my hotel and purchasing a pair of Gator shorts, in an attempt to blend in, the terror of my nations omission was gradually removed from my mind. A few beers in a local bar later and it had all but passed. Try to imagine my total joy however when the bar in which I was seated, Balls, was suddenly bursting at the seams with young women. It would appear that I had arrived on sorority night, oh woe was me. [grin]. The young ladies of Beta Gamma will be forever with me, God bless the American education system!

Reflecting in the morning on the night that had just passed I fondly recalled my drunken rendition of "Born in the USA" and indeed my well received impersonation of Mick Jagger to the delight of all who were fortunate enough to have witnessed a mad and drunken Englishman strutting his thang to Jumping Jack Flash. Indeed the memory of several confused students adding money to my personal beer fund located on top of the bar, believing it to be tips for the barman, and the lovely Jennifer and Sharon (the latter having glitter covered boobs!) were all still with me also and recalled with delight.

Were any of these moments perfect though? Nah - they were damm good, but not perfect.

Perfect came to me at about 4 in the morning via a head full of beer, a pot of paint, a stepladder and the inclusion of my nation of birth on a 20 foot map. A legacy of my visit to Gainesville.

PS - I'm still trying to get the glitter of my tongue!
PPS - I do regret not getting an "after" picture but I felt it unwise to attract any attention to myself at that point!

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Shagnasty's Little World
(Technical Specifications (in pictures))
The series continues

This month
My Little Corner of my little home.

My House. Located in London it’s a humble place, two bedrooms, a kitchen (too small), a living room (too big) and a toilet. This is the corner of my home however where my butt spends most of its time. Its like a space man's capsule in that everything that I could need is within easy reach and instantly accessible. Lets take a tour shall we: -
The corner, if you remove the toilet and perhaps the sofa this will be the spot where you will most likely find me. The bed is reserved for sex; I sleep wherever I feel tired. Oh, there is a garden also but I never go out there, that’s where the wild things live!
A - Joystick - For killing people in horrific ways. Oh and for practicing landing with my flight simulator, err, same thing really then. B - Escape Route – The doors that lead to the great outdoors! C - Letter - from my ISP advising me that I can have “free” Internet access for only £20.00 per month. [Ahem!] D - Ciggys – For smoking. E - Keyboard – Nothing special here, could do with a clean though, the bloody things filthy. F - The Table - Made from real wood, like matches. It’s a reasonably large table, as tables go, though not by any means designed to accommodate a PC. I suspect its maker probably envisaged sophisticated dinner parties to the tune of classical music playing in the background. No doubt he would be a most unhappy man if he knew that in reality its normally games of Quake to the tune The Who, Tom Jones and Rolf Harris that it experiences. G - Ashtray - A smiley face ashtray bought from a market in Portugal. H - Mobile Phone – Not one of the many in my car, this is another one. I think I may have too many phones? J - Photographs – The first back from my holiday, no candid shots in these ones though, that’s why God created Polaroid’s. K - Monitor - Rescued from a bin outside the European Headquarters of Amoco Oil. Nothing wrong with it at all, the wasteful buggers.
L - The PC - Big and beautiful, it sits like Deep Thought in my front room quietly humming in an aloof sort of way, the sum of all my knowledge contained within. Loss of data from within this little beauty would result in the loss of every phone number that I have ever known, every place I’ve ever visited, every bank account that I have and indeed I’d have trouble finding my keys in the morning. Back-up isn’t a regime, it’s a religion. Some people have commented on the size (height) of the PC, I’ve often thought of putting a saddle on the top, what do you think? M - Headset - For hearing the sounds of people being killed in horrific ways and for listening to Rolf Harris whilst in the presence of un-appreciating heathens.

The shelves, anything that wont fit on the desk, goes on "the shelves". Lets take a closer look shall we?
A - Receipts - Oh look, its all the receipts from my holiday, all waiting to come and bite me when my credit card bill arrives. [shudder!] B - Books – various books are located here for easy reference, they include books on aviation for study, navigation, meteorology and stuff like that. A couple of books on music and one on the FBI. It’s always worth knowing the ways of your enemy I always say. Or was that Yoda? C - Model Scooter – a finer example of stunning Italian styling you can’t find. Over the years I have owned several scooters and one day will do so again. D - Alien Fetus - in a jar. Suitably pickled of course. E - The black boxes of doom. – Black boxes containing doom, in varying sizes. F - Handy Internet Guide – I get this regularly just in case the POC ever gets listed. Well you never know, Sean Penn’s home page is in it after all. G - Folders – Paper copies of the POC for taking to dinner parties and horrifying other guests. H - Flight Charts – A souvenir of my holiday, a flight chart of Florida complete with lots of scribbles from my complex and comprehensive flight planning. (Hah!) I - Power – One socket serves all I always say. Remember that here in the UK we have a man sized 240 volts of killing power, not that girly 110 stuff used in the US. J - Ciggy Papers – For the rolling and smoking of.
Yeah, I know that my corner isn't that grand, but its better than the last place I think you will agree? Next Month: - My Road (perhaps?) Back to Index

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The Big Serious One

"Nope"