A note from your Editor, Shagnasty:

Warning : This months POC is Rolf Harris Enabled, if you are not up to hearing the sound of the great man, and lets face it most of you wont be, he can be silenced by the control bar on his section.

Greetings once again my brothers and only friends, here is the 6th edition of the POC. Well what happened last month then. The Queen Mother reached her 100th birthday, but then again if I have someone to wipe my arse for me and never have to complete a days work in my life I suppose I'll live to a ripe old age as well. The UK was gripped by a trashy TV show called Big Brother which involved the great unwashed of the nation watching the antics of 10 dysfunctional people trapped in a house with 27 cameras pointing at them. The saddest thing about this show however was that I watched it like a hawk too, incredible. POC subscriptions continue to rise and hate mail for Demonic Dave increased to incredible proportions, he said, and I quote "sod them all". Ahh, what a fine chap. Having opened my ICQ to the world I have made some new on-line friends, mainly female ones too, which is nice! It therefore stays open, predictably enough! As I have just enjoyed my birthday I have "Rolf Enabled" the site this month as a treat to myself! Those heathens amongst you who don't wish to hear the great man can make your way down to his section and stop the sound playing. Right people, on with the POC, and remember - enjoy.

Your regular contributors, as always are: -

Shagnasty	Demonic Dave	Tangent Man
info	info	info

They await you!

Enjoy!

Shagnasty's Big Serious One:
"It's rare, but men can fracture their most private of parts"

Shagnasty's Rant: My topic this week, Rip-Off Britain.

Shagnasty's two-word Revue: The Single Celled Creatures are under the microscope this month.

Penis Stuff from around the world: America's turn, about time too I think.

Demonic's Religious Comment: Sinners, have a look and see what awaits you.

Tangent Man: Light bulbs, Tangent Man style of course.

Shagnasty's Cyber Sex: I didn't do very well, shall we leave it at that. No, well read on then.

Penis File: What do squirrels love most? Their nuts of course.

Rolf Harris Homage Zone: Rolf makes a welcome return to the POC & offers us his prayer.

The Nervous Flyers Noise Decoder: Last month we saw a tragic Concord crash. Calm your fears with this handy guide.

Sponsors: Another name for advertisements people, well you cant blame me for trying can you?

This Space for rent!: Want to submit a section, then write in why don't ya?

Readers Feedback: Your comments in print.

Monthly thought: -

Sing, Sing man, Sing!

Shagnasty's Righteous Rant

Sorry people but it's got to be done. "Rip-Off Britain"

"Rip-Off Britain" is a phrase that you will hear a great deal in the UK at the moment. It makes reference to the fact that products, taxes and services are cheaper nearly everywhere then here, with no apparent good reason. Example: -

Sony (Latin: Greedicus Giganticus) are about to release Playstation 2 in the UK and guess what people. Yes that’s right we will be paying £100 more than our US cousins. (Well you might be, I wont give the swine's a bloody penny)
The new games console goes on sale in time for Christmas (that well known Japanese holiday!) in the US at £199, Japan at £240 and The Gullible British Isle at £299. They will of course have regional restrictions within the devices to prevent anybody purchasing one in the US from using it in the UK.
Sony is not alone however as we pay considerably more in the UK for many items when compared to the US and I’m sick of it. CD’s, clothes, electrical items and food are just a few examples. Imagine the joy on my face when I walked into a store in Florida selling nothing but Reebok trainers all with a nice Union Jack printed on the box, and about half the UK price. The same underpaid child living in whichever developing country they are manufactured must make them all. I don’t see that it’s more expensive to ship them to the UK than the US.
What is the reason therefore for the higher price over here? Oh, I know what it is, they think that were twats, that must be it, and I for one always look to make my purchases from a company that thinks I’m a thundering moron. Don’t you?

I will be visiting the US again in October and I have already done my packing. One empty suitcase as usual, in which I will place my new jeans, trainers, shoes, various assorted tops, and a couple of suites. Not before time either, it’s been over 18 months since my last visit and I look like a bloody tramp!

Got a rant of your own?

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Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

Single Celled Creatures

"Bloody Pointless"

When you look around this Earth on which we all reside you see many strange creatures, the Duck Billed Platypus being an immediate and obvious example closely followed by the Sloth I would suggest. Despite their strange appearance however they do have a role to play, the single celled gang however are bloody pointless.

They don’t contribute in any significant form and haven’t done so for thousands of years. Yes I know we all owe them a debt of gratitude for getting life going in the first place but how long are the counsel for the defense going to use this tired argument? No, I suggest to the jury that they are bloody pointless.

The fact that the likes of spirogyra all gang together in a sort of single celled conga is evidence that they too, using what little awareness they can muster, are aware of how academic they have become. “Lets link up lads and perhaps they wont notice that were actually bloody pointless”

Some of these single celled buggers, there are a lot of them by the way, are capable of reproducing in great numbers given the right conditions. This appears to be their sole skill, so when you consider that one single celled creature is pointless the ability to make millions more has to be considered bloody pointless.

Now we all know the most famous, a guy called Amoeba, but some of these pointless buggers are called “pathogens” and they cause 24 to 81 million cases of food borne illnesses in the US every year. And yes I know that some of them also perform useful functions such as causing bread to rise, fermenting sugars to alcohol, assisting in the production of cheese from milk and decaying organic matter to replenish nutrients in the soil, but other than that, they’re bloody pointless!

Asexual Harassment?

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US Cop flashes penis

Asked by a teenage girl to take a picture of a rock group, a police officer shoots a more shocking photo.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
By Jack Boulware
Aug. 18, 2000 |

Treasured memories of a 14-year-old girl's summer rock concert turned ugly this month after she developed photographs of the Florida event and was greeted with an added bonus: the image of a big hairy penis.

According to the Orlando Sentinel, the young girl and her cousin were attending the Altamonte Springs annual Red Hot & Boom celebration, but were unable to get close enough to the stage to take pictures. The girl handed her camera to a police officer, asking him to please take a photo of the band My Town, a group that obviously held some meaning for her. The policeman took the camera and shot the photos, and a few days later the girl picked up the photos from the developer. Her pictures of the concert were overshadowed by the first one she inspected, a photo of police officer Michael LaVoie's penis.

The girl's aunt took the photo to police and filed a complaint, claiming she and the girls were offended. Who wouldn't be? You're expecting shots of the band My Town, and instead you get a close-up of a cop's penis.

A police internal investigation revealed that Officer LaVoie was indeed the owner of the penis, but he insisted he didn't know the photo was going to be taken. He was "just fooling around."

Police officer Thaddeus Antoszewski, a 13-year veteran of the force, admitted to investigators that it was he who had taken the picture, but he claimed he didn't know there was film in the camera. "I took it with the intent to flash officer LaVoie with the flashcube," said Antoszewski.

According to Antoszewski, the policemen were asked several times to take photographs of the concert that night. At about 10:15 p.m., as the two officers were onstage, Antoszewski told investigators, he heard his partner, LaVoie, say, "Hey, Thad. Look."

Antoszewski turned and saw LaVoie exposing himself, then took the photo of his penis. The official police report describes the officers as laughing, and then Antoszewski saying, "We got to be cool."

LaVoie told investigators that Antoszewski told him, "Don't worry about it; there's not any film in the camera."

For their amateur porn high jinks, both officers were suspended without pay. Antoszewski was also demoted, and LaVoie ended up transferred to a different department. Both officers also face probation and possible counseling and ethics training. The Florida Department of Law Enforcement is also reviewing the case.

My Town was unavailable for comment.

About the writer
Jack Boulware is a writer in San Francisco and author of "San Francisco Bizarro" and "Sex American Style."
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Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.

"Sinners"
(Come on you know who you are!)

Saint or Sinner, which are you? If like me your a raging sinner you might want to know what awaits you in return for your heinous acts? Read on people, read on: -

Demonic operates outside of the control of the POC, he alone is responsible for his comments.

"The Sin"	"The Consequence"
Premarital Sex	JEWISH: Death if performed with a Jewish girl, unless you marry her right away. Giggle and smirk if girl is Catholic. CATHOLIC: Eternal damnation if you even THINK about it. Worse if you do it. Even worse if you do it with another person.
Masturbation	JEWISH: Obsessive search for warts. Nervous breakdown. Death if done while reading Philip Roth. CATHOLIC: A mortal sin. An unacceptable form of birth control. Ten "Hail Mary's, two "Our Father's, and acne.
Drunkenness	JEWISH: Jews do not get drunk. It interferes with suffering. CATHOLIC: No sin. Compulsory in Ireland. Optional in civilized world.
Homosexuality	JEWISH: Death while listening to Bette Midler. CATHOLIC: Eternal damnation and/or entrance into Jesuit order.
Interracial Marriage	JEWISH: Better to shag a chicken; at least it won't tell the neighbors. Death, death, death, then more death. CATHOLIC: Size and color of lips is unimportant, as long as they can move in order to say, "Hail, Mary".
Disobeying Parents	JEWISH: Leukemia, maybe tuberculosis, for defying the people who struggled to make you what you are today. Unhappiness forever. CATHOLIC: You get spanked by the Mother of God and sent to bed without a Last Supper.
Divorce	JEWISH: Good thing if the girl is Christian and/or a slob. Welcome back. CATHOLIC: Barred from heaven. Eternal purgatory because she burned the toast.

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Tangent Man
Light Bulbs, they don't work like you think they do
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but my studies have proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, I call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in a car park have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle. Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. This is why it is called light! Finally, I must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.
Based on an earwig sent by H J Robinson. Got a question for the Tangent Man? - Click here to ask it.

Oh dear!

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. I’ve never considered that it could compare in any way with the real thing and therefore never before indulged. Being an open minded kind of bloke however I thought that perhaps I should give it a bash. I wasn’t very successful as this saved transcript shows: -

Shagnasty: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Shagnasty: I'm 6'. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Next. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny. Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Shagnasty: OK Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Shagnasty: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Shagnasty: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Shagnasty: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Shagnasty: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry. Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Shagnasty: I'll pay for it. Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.

SN - Of course the thing about Cyber Sex is that you don't really know who you're talking to do you?

Shagnasty: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

Shagnasty: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Shagnasty: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Shagnasty: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What?

Shagnasty: I'm so sorry; Really. Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Shagnasty: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Shagnasty: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Shagnasty: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute. Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Shagnasty: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking. Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Shagnasty: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help?

Shagnasty: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Shagnasty: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Shagnasty: I'm washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Shagnasty: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom? Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Shagnasty: I found it. Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Shagnasty: Me too. Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Shagnasty: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart:Why don't you take off your glasses?

Shagnasty: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Shagnasty: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Shagnasty: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Shagnasty: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Shagnasty: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Shagnasty: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Shagnasty: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Shagnasty: I'm flaccid. Sweetheart: What?

Shagnasty: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Shagnasty: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my Johnny’s all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Shagnasty: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Shagnasty: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Shagnasty: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! Sweetheart: [logged off]

Oh dam!
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Shagnasty's September 2000 Penis Owner Club
Issue Six (6)	Release Date: 1st September 2000		© PenisOwner.com 1996-2000
Welcome to the World Wide Family of Penis Owners. Not a member? Welcome anyway but you can join here, if you want!
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