A note from your Editor, Shagnasty:

Greetings once again my brothers and only friends, its time for another little POC, yes it is! I trust that you have all been well, healthy, happy and horny! I know I have. Its August, the month of my birth but it's not that with which I occupy my mind, oh no. Its holiday time soon and The Shagnasty will once again be flying like a birdy over the heads of your grannies. For once again its time to rent an aircraft and come pay some of you a visit. But, more of that next month. This month, read and enjoy.
Enjoy...

Your regular contributors, as always are: -

Enjoy!

London Mini-Cab Etiquette: Visiting the great city of London?, thinking of using a cab? Know the rules my friends, know the rules!

Shagnasty's Rant: The crappy British Tabloids nark me again folks. Bog roll with ink on it, no more!

"Back in the days of the old school yard": as a once great singer said before he went slightly barking. What were your school days like? I describe some of the best stuff from mine!

Rolf Harris: "What's all this Rolf stuff then Shag?" Non-Worshippers - take note as we examine the great man's work.

Tangent Man: He's back! With an important message, which is basically "Fear The Squirrel". Yeah, confused the hell out of me too.

Demonic's Religious Comment: The Bible? Time it was updated right? Needs a modern look on the whole thing?

Burger Blast
07.07.2001
A trip to McDonalds Drive-Thru, Strood, Kent, UK: -
Window one - lovely Loraine does well, friendly, efficient, attractive, takes the order and I drive on happy and surprised.
Window Two - Peter The Twat gives me the wrong order, cold fries and a flat Coke.

See - there is such a thing as a constant in this universe of ours.

Olympic Blast
13.07.2001
Announced today: - China to host Olympics.
New events to include torture, persecution of political ideals, execution without trial, suppression of free speech, incarceration of journalists and in-line skating!

Shagnasty's Righteous Rant
Sorry people but it's got to be done.
The Bloody Papers Again

As you all know my contempt of the British Tabloid Newspapers is large and well documented. The absence of any news and a disregard for the truth that would be matched by Billy Liar himself being the main problems. There is however one more rather unattractive trait, which they possess in abundance: - hypocrisy.

Is there anything more repugnant than a bloody hypocrite? A Welsh one perhaps, but I can't think of anything else.

Example: - As you may be aware at the beginning if this month a certain Mr Barry George was convicted for the murder of television presenter Jill Dando. Make what you will of the verdict, the astonishing absence of evidence leaves me concerned for my chances should I ever be accused of something, but guilty he was found and so be it. I'll let the appeal sort that out.

What Mr George is undoubtedly guilty of however is "being a bloody weirdo", although not actually a criminal offence in this country its generally frowned upon, unless you do it in style, then you're eccentric and that's ok. But I digress, I'm not setting out to defend Mr George or his behaviour but the nature of the press reporting on this bloke beggars belief - having read their views on him I'm frankly amazed that I have managed to survive in this great city of mine with such an obvious monster living amongst us. One of his more "monstrous" activities was to sneak about the streets taking photos of women going about their business, shopping etc. 

A leading British National Newspaper described this as "Sick perverted monster secretly photographed women in the streets". The headline appeared on page 2.

Page 7 however presented the newsworthy item of a paparazzi photograph, long lens of course, of a female Wimbledon tennis star sunbathing topless in her garden. The "News" presumably being the fact that this lady owns breasts? And here they are for you to look at, whether she likes it or not!

Err, anybody else spot the irony here?

Let's get this correct, its ok to creep about firmly intent on getting pictures of a celebrity's bits, without their consent, intending to print them in a national publication, labelling such as news, knowing that its really going to become an aid to masturbation for a few thousand white van men across the country, is it? - yeah right.

Mind you, if I wake tomorrow to read the headline "You're right Shagnasty - sorry - we'll print no more tits" you'll see real hypocrisy in action as I cry like a baby screaming "Nooooo".

Ahh, its good to be a Shagnasty! - Oh yes.

Got a rant of your own?                                                   Back to Index

Porkie-Pie Blast
19.07.2001

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I present to you a liar!
The vizzog below is that of Lord Archer (Liar) who has today been found guilty of perjury and perverting the course of justice and sentenced to four years imprisonment. In short a newspaper printed a story stating that he (Liar) had been shagging some whore, he (Liar) sued for liable and he (Liar) won, having fabricated evidence and got his (Liar) mate to lie as well. So now the smarmy git has to face the music.
Oh dear. As you may have guessed my heart isn't exactly bleeding for him (Liar).

Bet he won't be looking so smug taking his first incarcerated shower now will he lads. Ho-Ho.

One of the more surprising differences I noted whilst on a trip to the US was that once the schooling is complete most of you actually choose to go back at a later date and have a "reunion". Now of all the weird US type behaviour that I have witnessed actually choosing to return to the palace of hell is beyond me. Is US schooling so different? did you not hate your years of confinement with a passion? did your teachers not despise your very souls with comments designed to promote apathy and suicide in later life? "you’re a worthless turd who’ll never amount to anything more useful than a shoe horn" being one that I specifically recall! Now I know that some of the mean schools of Detroit have installed metal detectors to locate the kiddy Rambos but in my school we had terrors that required no firearms to administer. As is so often the way I detail a few for your education: -

"Play-time" should have actually been called "torture time" for in my school it was a bloody free-for-all come break time. The bell rang and you were on the loose, what were you to be today, the hunter or the hunted. Once your prey had been captured either by stealth or an outright chase across the entire length of the school, you selected the appropriate method of torture from the veritable smorgasbord of pain below: - Believe me all UK adults know these atrocities well.

Wedgies

The act: - Pants top is yanked skywards from behind, so the material lodges in the arse crack. Why you: - Cos its funny, a simple yet effective guerrilla war tactic.
Pain: - A glowing red face, because all the girls think it’s the best. Knackers are twisted and you’ll notice a deep brown stripe on the undies, well deeper than usual because at school you only change your kells once a week. Fight Back: - It’ll take a few seconds to readjust your pants, then you’ll have to run after the villain to keep face. If caught by teacher: - A minor playground offence, a bully will feel hard done by if he's cautioned.
[SN ~ Now before you all write in pointing out that the picture to the right isn't exactly representative of a schoolyard wedge, Id like to state that the day that I'm required to place a picture of a 13 year old boys arse cheeks on this page will be the day that I pack it all in. I think I speak for most of us when I say that my choice of image is far better.]

Nipple Cripple

The act: - Twisting of the male tit – you will jump like the space shuttle on launch. Usually attacked when your hands are full. Why you: - You’re in the puny group and hang about in a herd for protection, just like a bloody Capybara, a weak South American, pig-sized rodent under constant attack from snakes and eagles. Pain: - Similar to electric shock used by the ambulance man when your tickers on the blink. Fight back: - A well directed foot in the bollocks, but then you’ll open yourself up to deeper bother. If caught by teacher: - A clip round the ear for the guilty party, then the teachers will laugh too.

Snowball Scrub

The act: - wintertime jape. A stone is packed into a ball of zero-degree precipitation (snow) and scrubbed into the face of someone who doesn’t like fighting. Why you: - Fragile kids shake with fear at the sight of snow. It means projectile weapons and agonising break time. They long for maths to overrun and head to science early. Pain: - Having a stone pushed right into your nose tends to smart a tad. Fight back: - It’s a surprise attack, over in seconds. The most you can do is turn your head to one side and hope the stone is rounded and not jagged. If caught by teacher: - Teachers are too worried about taking a snowball on the tweed jacket to worry about insignificant worm pupils.

Dead Leg

The act: - Harrowing connection of knee against thigh. The worst cases are where the "giver" leaps into the air and lands knee-first on the "taker" who is lying in peace, dreaming of better times, on the school fields. Why you: - It can act as either pal-bonding; "a giggle"; or a simple case of power-bullying. Pain: - The taker will try to get to his feet and smile through the agony like it doesn't hurt, but the red face gives it away. The worry is a thigh bone break – your brain is saying, "That’s too much damage!" Bruising is thundercloud black. Fight back: - Can't. All thoughts are for yourself and getting through the next five minutes. If caught by teacher: - Shocking to the casual observer, so the teacher will go fucking mental.

Cough and Drop (Unofficial)

The act: - Sexual humiliation carried out by an uncontrollable Minotaur-boy from the dirty estate. Middle class kids are made to lie on the floor while these six-foot-four, half-man half-beast grabs testicles through flannel trousers and squeezes. Why you: - Power, humour, boredom, mental deficiency, hatred of the system, but mostly power. Mick Minotaur’s dreams are of owning a bookies. He hates posh kids. Pain: - Primary evidence informs us that he would squeeze down to the delicate "sugar cubes" in the tuna shopping bags and await the howls. Its probably dangerous, but very, very, funny to watch; a spectacle. Fight back: - If you move, Mick will make it BAD. If caught by teacher: - "Ooooooh, Mick! What are you doing". (Leaves him to it because Mick’s out of hand)

Peanutting

The act: - The closest you will come to death at school, your tie is pulled so tight that the knot becomes a noose and you stop breathing. Why you: - IT follows the cry of "watch this!" and you were quite simply close! Pain: - The victim, struggling to maintain calm, smiles along with the joke as oh-so-valuable air escapes from his lungs. Soon the words "Caaaaannnnnn’ttt brreeeeaaaatthhh…" are heard then panic sets in and everyone else rolls about laughing like demented dickie-birds. Fight back: - The only fighting you do is for air. If caught by teacher: - They turn their backs and look away. Dinnerbags shout loudly, but with no real power or care. And the world still turns. Amazingly, as your sight begins to fail and your floating down a tunnel towards a light where your deceased relatives are waiting, you manage to unravel the knot.

Posting

The act: - Four classroom pals grab your limbs and run towards a lamppost with your legs open and aimed forward. Why you: - It’s a birthday treat. Pain: - Indescribable. It's like...err...well something along the lines of...err. No, I can't describe it. Fight back: - Your balls are valuable. Kick your legs, manoeuvre those arms, make it uncomfortable to be carried. Struggle. Try and boot someone even if it means crashing on your back, better that than your nads after all. If caught by teacher: - Out of school activity, although a teacher in a shit-brown Mazda might witness the mêlée.

Grog Pit

The act: - Any act where fleg flies. For example the victim could have been pushed into a coal storage bunker near the caretaker's office and "the heavens open" from above as scores of kids gob down. Why you: - a cowardly attack where even the puniest kids can get involved, this is a 30+ to one attack. Pain: - Spitting is fucking disgusting. It stinks and it's messy. Great eh. Fight back: - At all costs you must protect your mouth, eyes and hair from the diseased water. If caught by teacher: - If you want to spit big time, you’re gonna do lines big time.

Pin-in-Hand Prank

The act: - Coin-based misadventure, where the slow, almost cow-like lad in class is conned into slamming his hand onto an upturned drawing pin, thinking it’s a 10p coin. After all the first person that slams their hand on the coin gets to keep it! Why you: - The howl. In one sense it attacks the greed of capitalism, but kids are not that clever. Pain: - Nowt so raw as a whole in the hand, you can see right inside. Then the hole fills with blood as screams of laughter emanate from your classmates. Fight back: - Slow-witted-boy hasn’t even started to feel pain because he’s not quick enough. He sits down a little wiser – but not much. If caught by teacher: - "Serves you right young man"

Dead Mouse in Mouth

The act: - Mouse that died after being chased by caretaker and his brush is scooped up and held above weakling’s gob. Why you: - whatever you’ve done it's pissed people off. Pain: - Mice are dirty, full of fleas and you're proper frightened. Fight back: - This is the only time a weed will threaten – "you do… you do… you’ll get one" If caught by teacher: - "Wasn’t me miss"

[SN - Not that sort of mouse you berk! The sort that shits in your cupboards]

The Marmite Bollocks of Death

The act: - The most horrid of acts, reserved for the most hardened of school crazies for use on the most despised of classmates. A particular favourite of mine. Take one small portion Marmite jar, the sort with the narrow neck. Grab and un-trouser your victim, push one bollock into the jar, then the next. Once both are in place the victim can't pull them out. Why you: - Why the hell not man. Pain: - Humiliation of the highest order, only diminished by the raw pain experienced when attempting to remove the jar. Sooner or later after much glass tugging the inevitable conclusion is reached – you’re gonna have to smash the jar! Pain factor can be increased by over 1000% by the addition of Deep Heat to the inside of the jar. You'll never refer to Marmite as "My Mate" again I can promise you that much. Fight back: - I would if I were you, and for all that you are worth. If caught by teacher: - Expect a severe canning for this one, or a suspension. 2 weeks in my case!

(Note: The above fails miserably if your intended target hasn’t had the decency to have completed puberty and dropped his balls. "Oh well – rain check eh mate – see ya soon.")

Ah, good old days indeed!

Serious Bit: - Whilst I enjoyed looking back on my school horrors and received as good as I gave, some kids do really suffer. Information and assistance on bullying can be found here.

Back to Index

Big Brother Blast
10.07.2001
Helen, the 20'ish blonde, busty & Welsh contestant, when talking of sexual experiences said "You've not done it until you've done it Cardiff style"
Can anyone enlighten me because quite frankly my mind is boggling.

Shark Blast
July 2001
When it comes to bollocks I like to think that mine are as large as they need to be, but, there is a man in Florida who must surely possess a pair the size of Jupiter.
The POC salutes “Uncle”.
Whilst enjoying the beach with his 8 year old nephew Jessie A bull shark attacked severing Jessie's arm and gashing one of his legs. Ok, I’d like to think that I would have done the same as Uncle at this point: - Into the water, get the lad out of danger and back to shore. No easy thing to do knowing that there is a shark in there with you. Nevertheless a lad’s life is at stake so, like the Uncle, I’m confident that I’d have gone in.
Uncle’s next move however leaves me standing, for back into the water he goes a second time, locates the shark, drags the bugger out of the water onto the beach where a Park Ranger shoots it four times, pries its jaws open allowing a fire-fighter to reach in and retrieve the severed arm. Both the arm and its owner were then flown to hospital by helicopter.
Yup, bollocks of planetary proportions Uncle – damn well done that man, well done.

(Note: - At the time of writing the sad part of this tale is that young Jessie is still critically ill in hospital having suffered massive blood loss and possible brain damage. The POC hopes that this lad gets as well as he can, now thanks to the bravery of his Uncle at least he has the chance to do just that.)