Who Shot Shagnasty? Can you help identify the assassin? January 2001 A Special Edition of the... Penis Owner Club
Issue Ten (10)	Release Date: 1st January 2000		© PenisOwner.com 1996-2000
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*A note from your Temporary Editor, McNasty:* Greetings my brothers and only friends, let me introduce myself. My name is Filth McNasty, friend and prodigy of Shagnasty. By now you will all be aware of the terrible news that Shagnasty was gunned down early on 26th December 2000. The full police report is detailed below. I know that you will all join me in wishing Shagnasty a speedy recovery to full health and also harbour a reasonable and understandable desire to see the perpetrator brought to justice and publicly flogged like the dog that he surely must be. To this end I have, at the request of the investigating authorities, compiled a list of those persons that may have wished Shagnasty harm detailing below what I believe to be their principle motives. You too can help. Send in your theories to who shot Shagnasty and the best submission will win a PenisOwner.Com T-Shirt and the never-ending admiration of your peers for bringing the scoundrels to justice. Filth McNasty (1/2 the man Shagnasty is!) Right people, on with the hunt, and remember - enjoy as best you can given our grave hour. Recovering in hospital!
Police Report & Transcript of Press Statement This press conference was given by Chief Superintendent Bill Bailey at New Scotland Yard at midday on Tuesday 26th December, Boxing Day. He made the following grave announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, it is my sad duty to announce that at 0530 hours this morning our beloved Shagnasty telephoned 999 reporting that he had been shot, was bleeding and badly needed a beer!. Paramedics were rushed to the scene and he was found in an alley adjacent to Rupert Street, Soho, suffering from multiple gun shot wounds. Although he had been struck by several rounds to the head it is fortunate that no vital organs were hit. He remains in a coma and his condition is described as serious but doctors anticipate a full recovery given rest, and beer. You are asked to present the evidence below to your readership in the hope that someone has some vital information to aid us in our investigation. All information will be treated as strictly confidential and a substantial reward of a PenisOwner.Com T-Shirt has been offered by various leaders of the community to bring justice to bear."
The Evidence so far...
The attack took place just out side the home of a Ms Minni Mozola, a well known "masseur" from London's Soho district. She was unavailable for comment. Forensic examination of the scene identified one good set of footprints left from what appears to be a pair of desert style walking boots. Police scientists are however confused by what they describe as a second partial footprint of unknown origin, being neither a left or right foot. The weapon used against Shagnasty has been identified as a FN M249 PARA, a formidable heavy calibre machine gun favoured by the armies of Canada and Australia. Holding 100 rounds it's capable of continuous rapid fire over a wide area and requires little skill in the way of marksmanship. Whilst there were no witnesses to the assault local residents stated that they heard the sound of heavy breathing just before and after the shots rang out. Whilst the weather was good they also state that they heard the sound of thunder although police are not sure of the reliability of this statement as this same witness stated that she heard a ships fog horn, an unlikely occurrence in Central London! Whilst generally loved by all that knew him Shagnasty was not shy in voicing his opinions on those that traded in hypocrisy or deceit and as such was not without his foes. Having started the popular Penis Owners Club and its monthly magazine The POC in April 2000 he has sought to bring silliness and truth to all. With the aid of Mr Filth McNasty Police have compiled a selection of articles from previous issues of The POC which may give clues to those that could have conspired or perpetrated this foul deed.
Monthly thought: -	Shagnasty lies bleeding, no one can rest.

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The Suspects...

The French?
The Shagnasty is known for his views on the French. Comments over various issues of the POC would have been enough to get this man on a French hit list. Some of the more inflammatory quotes could be: -

Whilst discussing French toilets in "Things that make me go ooh" "This of course all falls apart if you are in France when you are shown to a hole in the ground and expected to recreate the exploits of Bomber Harris delivering his deadly payloads with equally deadly accuracy over the streets of Berlin. But then the French are filthy animals..."

Toilets appeared again, along with the French when Shagnasty suggested some of the greatest inventions of all time in issue four back in July. On the virtues of the Flushing Toilet Shagnasty wrote "Universally popular everywhere outside of France." And again on toilet Tissue "Christ knows what they used before they thought this up. Big leaves? The curtains? Still play it safe, never shake hands with a Frenchman."

Just a couple of the comments that must surely force the inclusion of the French nation on any list of suspects.

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People who actually liked Pretty Woman?
As hard to believe as it might be some people actually took issue with Shagnasty's two word film review from Issue One of The POC in April. Could Julia Robert fans be the murderous wretches behind the assassination attempt?

Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

Pretty Woman

" IT'S SHIT "

Now I would have loved to have made some comment on how the film is a metaphor on the social existence and differences between the classes in a modern United States, but I cant, it's just shit.

It would have been nice even to suggest that Julia Roberts' performance accurately portrayed the struggle of an average street girl and her effect on a rich company executive, but I cant, it's just shit.

Can I make a comment on how the audience is drawn into the emotional desires of the lead characters, joining in their wishes and reservations as their relationship develops. No I cant, It's shit.

I am sorry people I really am, but this film is shit on every level, the only possible exception being the bloke who played the hotel manager, he was kind of cool In a way I suppose.

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Adidas?
Surely the makers of an inoffensive sports shoe couldn't have been behind it. Although, he was less than flattering in Issue Two about their advertising campaign.

Shagnasty's Rant

Sorry people but it's got to be done. "Adidas Makes you better"

Now before you start shouting "It's only and advertisement, we all know that it's not true" I would say, I know. However the recent claims being made by my trusty television is that "Adidas Makes You Better" "Makes you more generous" & get this one, "Adidas, making the world a better place". Now I'm willing to accept that my telly tells me lies, I know that if I board an airline with my crappy cattle-class ticket I'm never going to see the sort of seats and luxury that are presented in their ads. No, I'm going to be shoe-horned into a 1943 seat salvaged from a downed Stuka dive bomber located at the bottom of the English Channel. The only luxury that I will see if is I am fortunate enough to develop a pressure induced air bubble on my brain forcing about a temporary coma.

I'm not concerned about me, nor you really, the fact that you are reading this shows that you have a highly developed sense of good taste. No, I'm concerned about the great unwashed, the members of the general public who actually believe in this crap. You know who they are, there the people who quote The Sun or National Enquirer like you or I might quote Charles Darwin. They probably have a fully paid up membership with The Flat Earth Society too.

Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum - I smell the blood of a gullible bum!

These people see Adidas claiming that wearing their shoes makes you a better person and probably suggest that if a pair had been handed to Mr Pol Pot for example it would have saved a lot of unnecessary heart ache. No doubt a pair thrown in the direction of Pontius Pilot at the opportune moment would have increased his generosity level considerably thereby sparing a certain Mr Christ from paying for the sins of our forefathers, not to mention those that the likes of you and I hadn't even committed yet.

I yearn for a bit of honesty from adverts, the day that a company announces that "Smith's Toilet Tissue - Gets the shit of your arse and you finger wont go through" would be a happy day indeed.

Well you have to admit, it might have narked them a tad.

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Tangent Man?
In any investigation you have to think the unthinkable to seek the truth. Could the mild mannered Tangent Man, life long friend of Shagnasty been responsible. Was the recent gift of tickets to a Tom Jones concert just a means to lure him into a false sense of security. Whilst there is no direct evidence to link Tangent to the attach, he is as mad as a bag of snakes as his article from Issue Four in July clearly shows.

Tangent Man's Technology Explanation
Its time for a new type of monorail. Tangent Man style!
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system. However I've been thinking further about this cat/toast business for a while and it occurs to me that in the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.
Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula: p = s * t(t)/tc where p is the probability of carpet impact, s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance, an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero. Tc and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour. So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research. Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also Public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.

See!

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Astrologists?
Some people make a healthy living from pedalling lies and fantasy from the stars, in Issue Five during August Shagnasty offered his alternative, this may have been enough to cause their revolt.

	Aries March 21 - April 20 In this instance it would better if you and others banded together and robbed a bank. That way you should manage to absorb any risks and it makes you feel that you are contributing to a worthy cause. Unfortunately not everyone is as far minded as you.
	Taurus April 21 - May 21 It seems that communication, or rather lack of it, is the real problem at the moment. I recommend shouting and stamping your feet to get your point across. However try not to take things too personally as no offence is intended, don’t let this prevent you from being very personal and offensive however.
	Gemini May 22 - June 21 There are different ways of approaching situations. Indeed, if you are a typical Gemini, then you prefer to take the initiative and bypass everyone else. This time however, you are powerless and you can do nothing right, you are indeed worthless. Therefore don’t bother to seek help because right now you could ask for the moon and you wont get sod all. Give up.
	Cancer June 22 - July 23 At first, you may choose to ignore other people’s warnings, as this is normal Behaviour for them. In fact, what occurs in a few days will be something you feared all along. The stealthy footfall of a mad axe murderer in the middle of the night will signal the error of your ways in a manner that will indeed come as a shock.
	Leo July 24 - Aug 23 It would be marvelous if you managed to persuade a business partner or a property owner to make you an offer. However, there is no guarantee this will happen, as you are very, very poor and no one wants to take the risk. On the other hand, if they agree to take you on board, then you will end up even poorer. So go for it. Also you will be involved in a car crash!
	Virgo Aug 24 - Sept 23 No point harping on about your future, as you will be run over by a car driven by a Leo and spend the month in traction.
	Libra Sept 24 - Oct 23 You will happily admit that you cannot function properly without certain people around, is that a fact? In any event, you will soon find out your true value. Just as long as you are realistic, then what is decided by the end of this week should boost your self-esteem. That is of course as long as your usual cocaine supply arrives on time. Except on this occasion even that might not be enough.
	Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 22 On the surface you seem to be a lot more confidant than before, your fooling yourself, you have no reason to be confident. Maybe you have to be! More to the point, certain individuals can see right through you, so worry like hell about the image you create. With the sun no moving into cancer, what you are attempting to do is unachievable by the likes of you.
	Sagittarius Nov 23 - Dec 21 No doubt you will benefit from any changes that are now taking place the main thing is that you would like to know a few more details, just so that you can make some provisions. Yet, what does transpire in the next couple of days may have been decided internally, but also specifically with you in mind. If you can understand that crap, you’re a better person that I would have given you credit for.
	Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 20 Because loved ones seem a bit defensive at the moment, this only serves to add to your uncertainty. Except they still insist there is nothing going on. You can expect some dramatic developments when you discover that as Jupiter is rising against Mars they are all indulging in ritualistic sex on a nearby hilltop. Don’t assume that you are the only member of the family excluded; the fish have been left out too. You note however the absence of the family dog and armadillo.
	Aquarius Jan 21 - Feb 19 Being from the water sign, you decide to recreate the exploits of King Canute with the inevitable consequences.
	Pisces Feb 20 - Mar 20 Having already made prior reservations or arranged everything at vast expense or effort to yourself, in the end you may be forced to change everything around. As you know, certain people are very fickle, so simply put this down to experience and don’t lift a finger for the bastards again. Inform them all you wouldn’t urinate on them if they were on fire.

Fox Hunters?
Some suggestion towards honesty was made by The Shagnasty with regards to British hunters. Could they have used their already evil mentality to do Shagnasty harm? Issue Five held the offending article.

On behalf of the UK, Shagnasty appeals to the citizens of the US.
Despite your numerous large and looming problems, you appear to have got some of the small things right that here in the UK we fail to manage, such as...

Hunting

Hunting, the national sport of the US perhaps? Now the theme of this section is to normally highlight those simple things that you have got right and that we have managed to get so spectacularly wrong in the UK.

I'm not going to suggest that you have got hunting right, I'm generally opposed to hunting for sport or pleasure, BUT, you do at least admit that the reason for your hunting is primarily to "Blow things away" for your own personal enjoyment. It's your honesty that we need this month people!

Here in the UK however our hunting fraternity are not so honest, Oh no. The last thing that they would admit was the fact that they enjoyed watching things suffer at the hands of their hounds or traps. We hunt over here for very good reasons, some of my favorite ones are listed below: -

"We need to exercise our horses" - And we all know that the only way to gain such exercise is by relentlessly running some poor animal into the ground as a result of being pursued by savage hounds and jogging horses.

"It's the kindest way to kill them" - We shall ignore the obvious reply of why kill them in the first place and state that being pulled apart by numerous little snapping dogs isn't what's written in my dictionary after the word kind!

"They are pests that need to be controlled" - Hmm, I can think of many pests that we don't kill in such a gruesome fashion. When was the last time you saw a Welsh Man running for his life hopping up hill and down dale with strangely dressed men on horseback after his blood.
No, hang on, that's what I was doing last weekend, ignore that one then.

"Jobs reply on the hunting industry" - We lost many jobs when we abolished coal mining in the UK. I didn't see the country gentry complaining about that one.

I SAY NO. Come on British hunters, show some balls like our American cousins. When you are asked why you hunt tell them the truth. "I like to kill things, I like it a lot".
"I like to go to church on a Sunday morning and sing "all things bright & beautiful, all creatures great & small..." I then get on my horse and destroy all that it naturally bright and beautiful.

Tally-fucking-ho!

A fox assists the kind gentleman to preserve UK jobs & give valuable exercise for the horses, nice of him wasn't it!

A Pompous Twat demonstrating some kindness!

Fellow Pilots?
Despite being a pilot himself Shagnasty saw fit to mock this area also in Issue Six published in September. Being known for their high levels of stress, suicide and divorce rates could these otherwise highly trained and tempered individuals have snapped and pulled the trigger?

The Nervous Flyers Noise Decoder

As you may be aware at the beginning of August a French Airlines Concord crashed into a hotel after experiencing a fire on take off, with tragic results. Being a pilot I often hear people talk of their fears of flying, most are unfounded as we all know that it is in fact a spectacularly safe way of getting around. I therefore present the “Nervous Flyers Noise Decoder” a little guide to the noises that you will hear when within a large aircraft and an explanation as to their causes. So there will be no need to scream “were all gonna die” at the top of your voice which will inevitably cause a stampede in club class.

Nose Gear: - You hear – A clunk as the nose lifts off the ground. You think – Sabotage! “Dear God Susan she meant nothing to me, I swear!” But really it’s – The nose gear extending to its full length.	Engines: - You hear – The engines growing noticeably quieter during an ascent. You think – we’ve lost power! “Our father who art in heaven…” But really it’s – The plane climbing, leveling off, and then climbing again. (The engines will be quieter when it levels)
"Hey Relax, were professionals".
Landing Reversers: - You hear – A blowing sound, and the plane shudders as it slows on the runway. You think – It’s an international team of terrorists and they’ve blown a hole in the plane! But really it’s – The landing reversers extending and redirecting airflow to slow the plane down.	Flaps: - You hear – A whirring coming from the wings during take off. You think – The pilots drunk, stressed at home and he's over powered the engines. But really it’s – The wing flaps rising to give the plane more lift.
Landing Gear: - You hear – A thump…a roar of rushing wind…and a second thump just after take off. You think – We managed to run over the terrorists. My God, one of them has survived and blown a hole in the plane. But really it’s – Landing gear retracting into the plane, wind rushing past the open gear doors then the doors closing.	Power: - You hear – The stop-start of the air conditioning before take off. You think – we’ve lost power again! Hallowed be thy name… But really it’s – The plane switching from external power to internal power.

Exit Points will be awarded for style, artistic impression and difficulty

Obviously synchronized exits attract additional points from the judges

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Demonic Dave?
Another of Shagnasty's friends I know. But lets face it Demonic hates everybody doesn't he. An article appearing in Novembers POC, Issue Eight in fact demonstrated this better than I could explain I think. Is he a suspect?

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.

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"Halloween"
This used to be my favourite holiday, my Christmas if you will. These days however it's been bloody hijacked.

Demonic operates outside of the control of the POC, he alone is responsible for his comments.

Once a frightening and superstitious time of year for telling ghost stories, baking cakes as offerings to the souls of the dead and the damned and carving fruit and veg has now been hijacked by the snot faced hordes.

Usually I love to see the children out in the streets dressed in funny clothing, having a wonderful time and mocking the devil with laughter. I sit there and quietly think to myself about the surprised expression that will hit their faces on the day when they are turned back from the Pearly Gates, for that time they looked over the shoulder of a classmate during an exam, into the waiting arms of Beelzebub and his demonic legions of the dead. But on the 31 October each year I’d gladly shoot the lot of them and speed up their inevitable journey. “Trick or treat mister?” Bang!
At the very least I'd be punching their little faces into new and exciting shapes.

An exhaustive trawl through the customs of this little country turns up plenty of good pagan Halloween practices like the slaughter of weak animals and making really hard toffee, but very little about ritualised begging.
That’s Yank stuff.

They stick on a Freddy Kruger mask and an old pillowcase, and the little bleeders think it gives them the right to trample my herbaceous borders, tip my compost heap over and litter the place with empty tins of Iron Brew. It says “Sod Off” on my doormat and last year one of them laid a turd right in the “O”, and they want bloody sweets too!

Not this time, I’m prepared for the little shits. If any of the kids actually manage to get past the rabid dogs, bear traps, boiling oil and the assortment of barbed wire obstacles, I’ll give them bobbing apples. But I’ll give them half bricks in hydrochloric acid. Lets see how cheeky they are with no face.

Still you never know, this Halloween the night may be filled with real Satanists and witches at the peak of their supernatural powers. Let them clean the streets, making sacrifices of the runt bastards and candles from their fat.

Now that would be a treat!

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The Residents of Gainsville, FL, USA?
The Shagnasty was on holiday in Florida last year and sought to write a wrong in the university town of Gainsville, did the residents take offence and hire a contract killer. Or perhaps the parents of two certain sorority girls formed their own vigilantly group. Issue Eight published in November contains the details.

Shagnasty's Perfect Moment.
Every now and again everything comes together to give you one of those perfect moments. My last reported perfect moment was back in April, my holiday brought me another, which of course I share with you good people.

It was a nice sunny Wednesday afternoon and flying the approach to Gainesville Airport FL revealed a fairly ordinary American town, albeit dominated by a university campus. On landing a chap appeared and marshalled me into an overnight parking spot on the airfield waving his ping-pong bats with an encouraging enthusiasm. I completed my after-landing and engine shut down checks and was surprised to note that he was still there standing in front of my aircraft when I had finished.

On opening the door and stepping out I noted that he had placed a red carpet on the ground for me, "Nice touch" I thought. Almost immediately a 6 seater golf cart arrived and drove me and my crew to the pilots lounge where comfortable seating and coffee awaited me. The charming lady behind the desk advised me that my aircraft would be parked, the windscreen cleaned and the oil checked ready for my departure the next day. She then offered to arrange for accommodation at the local Holiday Inn at a discounted rate and transport to and from the airport. Her kind offer was accepted and we were soon on our way.

On my arrival at the Hotel I noted a large painting of a map of the world on a nearby wall, the flags of many nations forming a border. Standing 20 feet in height it was indeed an impressive sight. I noted that the flag of my nation, England, had been omitted which was slightly upsetting but nothing compared to the feeling experienced when I saw that the whole of the British Isle was missing from the map as well!

(The horror my eyes witnessed are below for you to share)
A map of the world, but wait, where is the UK - Bastards!

After settling in to my hotel and purchasing a pair of Gator shorts, in an attempt to blend in, the terror of my nations omission was gradually removed from my mind. A few beers in a local bar later and it had all but passed. Try to imagine my total joy however when the bar in which I was seated, Balls, was suddenly bursting at the seams with young women. It would appear that I had arrived on sorority night, oh woe was me. [grin]. The young ladies of Beta Gamma will be forever with me, God bless the American education system!

Reflecting in the morning on the night that had just passed I fondly recalled my drunken rendition of "Born in the USA" and indeed my well received impersonation of Mick Jagger to the delight of all who were fortunate enough to have witnessed a mad and drunken Englishman strutting his thang to Jumping Jack Flash. Indeed the memory of several confused students adding money to my personal beer fund located on top of the bar, believing it to be tips for the barman, and the lovely Jennifer and Sharon (the latter having glitter covered boobs!) were all still with me also and recalled with delight.

Were any of these moments perfect though? Nah - they were damm good, but not perfect.

Perfect came to me at about 4 in the morning via a head full of beer, a pot of paint, a stepladder and the inclusion of my nation of birth on a 20 foot map. A legacy of my visit to Gainesville.

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The Welsh?
As with the French the Welsh hold a dear place for The Shagnasty, just past the "S" bend of his toilet judging by some of his previous comments.
In 100 Things Every Man Should Know Shagnasty answered the following questions thus: -

27. What's the most venomous snake in the world?
"The Fierce Snake" (really), found in the Australian Outback. A single male snake contains enough venom to kill a quarter of a million mice.

Shagnasty Says: The word "Overkill" could never apply so well, I mean what's the point in having all that killing power for a few mice, it could surely never actually eat a quarter of a million mice in it's lifetime. But then again the average Welsh male has a few billion brain cells and .......

62. How different is a man from a chimp?
Not very, our DNA is 98.6% identical to chimps.

Shagnasty Says: The welsh man's DNA measures at 98.7% identical, confirming many things for me, don't know about you though.

...and in "Things that make me go ooh" he commented on The Luck of The Irish suggesting that they haven't had much actually and then adding "Since writing this it has been pointed out to me that they are separated from Wales by quite a lot of water, which I must agree is quite lucky."

Again you must agree that The Welsh must be prime suspects.

Have we missed any person or group that you think should be considered as suspects. Sum up the evidence offered above and give significant thought then send your theory's in to the authorities by clicking here.

Your information may be the vital missing clue.

Keep well.

Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

Shagnasty's Rant

Tangent Man's Technology Explanation

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.