A note from your Editor, Shagnasty:

Greetings once again my brothers and only friends, well the POC just keeps on coming doesn't it. It's approaching spring here in the UK and life is grand. Hope you enjoy a bit or a few bits of this months issue. Have fun!

Your regular contributors, as always are: -

Shagnasty	Demonic Dave	Tangent Man
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Enjoy!

So you think you're a hard nut?: Not a chance mate. Behold the hardest people on the planet.

Shagnasty's Rant: Slave Ships! In the year 2001. No, I'm not having that.

Shagnasty's Two Word review: Robert Maxwell. The thieving bastard!

Penis Stuff from around the world: The Malaysians have the plant to beat all plants it would appear!

Demonic's Religious Comment: Lairs. All evil people need em, take my advise on choosing yours!

Tangent Man: Tangent explains Aircraft Navigation. His Way!

Lets all play Bullshit Bingo!: Its fun for all the ~~family~~ office.

F**K Puppet: An unpleasant kids puppet speaks his mind. (Readers submission - Perhaps regular?)

Shagnasty translates: They say one thing but mean another. We all do it. I translate for you.

Sponsors: Another name for advertisements people, well you can't blame me for trying can you?

Hmm?

Readers Feedback: Your comments in print.

Monthly thought: -

Swans fly with wings wide open!

Shagnasty's Righteous Rant

Sorry people but it's got to be done. "Slave Ship" (Note: - Written on 18th April 2001, hoping that it doesn't get any worse!)

There are many occasions when I realise exactly why I'm not a politician, another has reared its head. You may have read in the news that a ship is bobbing around the coast of Africa loaded with a human cargo of child slaves. Yes, check the calendar its the year 2001 and we have slave ships on the ocean!
The ageing Nigerian registered vessel has been nipping in and out of various ports being refused permission to dock whilst the children sold as slaves apparently remain on board. For now!
When questioned during a television interview as to what we were going to do about it a UK politician (didn't get his name, I was too busy shouting at the telly!) was babbling on about international waters, boundaries and jurisdiction and the like.
My response to the question, thereby possibly providing another good reason as to why I'm not a politician, was...

"Well, an RAF Hercules has been despatched to the area. On board is the Army's Special Boat Service who will parachute into the water, board the ship, kill every adult aboard and bring the children back to the UK to be cared for. Mindful of maintaining our relationship with the countries involved in this incident we have released a diplomatic statement reading "Fuck You"."

I mean, for pity's sake, I'm a liberal chap believing in the human rights of my fellow man, but come on, Child Slave Ships. It's not on and I want to see some skulls cracked. It's what I pay my taxes for after all.

Quote from the Ships Captain: - "I have not committed any offence that will warrant my arrest," he said. "I am not into child slavery, they cannot prove it. It is one thing to say and one thing to prove."

Hmm, yeah, I'm convinced. Start the skull cracking I say!

Got a rant of your own? Back to Index

Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

"Robert Maxwell"

"Can't Sue!"

There are many things that I imagine you will be unable to do once dead. Even if there is a Heaven & Hell I don't see that surfboarding or "a night out with the lads" will be on the list of activities. I can't be sure of any of this though as I'm not dead yet. I know someone who is though, Mr Robert Maxwell, and this fat, evil-smelling thieving bastard was no surfboarder. What he was though was one of the richest most litigious men in the UK who met a timely end drowning in the poo of a million fishes, other wise known as the sea. This year is the tenth anniversary of his death and being dead, he can't sue.

During his unpleasant existence on the shores of the UK the mere suggestion that he was a wholly despicable individual with no social graces whatsoever would have been totally impossible. I'd have found myself in court before the end of the day based on the fact that he had a lot more money than me. Now though, I can state without fear of bankruptcy that the only thing larger than his gut was his greed, because he can't sue.

What actually happened was this; the man misappropriated the pension funds from his workforce. But wait, that sounds far too clinical. What I mean to say is Mr Maxwell, being the disgusting evil crap of Satan's pet dog that he was, stole the life long retirement funds of a few thousand people who had worked bloody hard for many years to make the foul git the rich man that he was. I can put it in these terms, as being dead, he can't sue.

His sons, also allegedly implicated in the crime, are still alive. I can't therefore suggest that they are no more than the spawn of their toad of a father and would likewise steal the coins from a blind man's cup.

So I wont.
There probably very nice chaps.
But more importantly, being alive, can sue.

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Erection concoction

A Malaysian plant is being over-harvested for its aphrodisiac qualities.

- - - - - - - - - - - -
By Jack Boulware

Let's say you're a healthy male, on the verge of having sex in a bed somewhere in Malaysia. But you're fatigued, and your penis refuses to achieve an erection. It's floppy and shrivelled, taunting you with its reluctance. Your partner is losing interest. Fortunately, you've come prepared for such a situation. You reach to the nightstand and open a container of Jungle King, the legendary "Malaysian ginseng" herbal drink made from the root of the Tongkat ali plant. You guzzle its contents, and within minutes the blood flushes to your penis and you're raging with libido. The evening becomes long and productive, and the woman instantly becomes pregnant.

But what you don't realize is that you've just helped contribute to the deforestation of the Malaysian jungle.

The Tongkat ali (Eurycoma longifolia) translates to "Ali's walking stick" and is reputed to bestow a variety of powers on users, including improved mental and physical energy. But mostly, it's known as a potent aphrodisiac, increasing testosterone levels and sperm counts. A native plant of tropical rainforests in Malaysia, Borneo and Sumatra, the root is now being processed into a drink additive, and the resulting liquid is sold at stores and roadside tea stalls, under brand names like Vicolli and Jungle King. Presumably, Malaysia is now teeming with boners.

An unfortunate side effect of this erection boom is that Malaysia's jungles are rapidly becoming depleted of Tongkat ali plants. If the trend continues, the plant could disappear, say national forestry officials.

"I'm trying to warn them that if we don't control it, they might find the supply gone. I'm trying to encourage them to grow the plant for their own use," Forestry Department Director told Reuters.

According to one local researcher, contrary to traditional beliefs, there is no evidence that Tongkat ali causes arousal in humans. Laboratory rats, however, become extremely excited and can't seem to get enough of the stuff.

SN Says: - Now I like to think that I'm a green chap, caring for the world on which I live and all that. But...if I had to club my way past baby seals whilst smearing myself in whale fat and burning the most uneconomical vehicle I could lay my hands on to get at a plant that was going to make Mr Nelson (for that is what I call him at the moment) stand to attention all night, then so be it.

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Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.

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"Evil Lairs for evil people!"
OK, you've been reading my piece for a few months now and you should be starting to get a bit more evil than you were at the beginning.
Well, no self respecting evil-doer would be without a secret lair from where you can conduct your evil deeds. Lets take a look at a few possibilities shall we my fellow bastards?

Demonic operates outside of the control of the POC, he alone is responsible for his comments.

Medieval Castle
One of the most popular lairs for evil-doers has always been the medieval castle. It's got atmosphere, it's desolate, and inspires terror in peasants and medieval townsfolk everywhere. You can stock your castle with all the basic amenities, including portcullis, moat, boiling oil, and gargoyle statues that come to life. Many castles also commonly come with an armoury for outfitting your minions, as well as a torture chamber we are sure you will find most useful. If you are an evil-doer who likes languishing upon a throne condemning innocent souls to a terrible fate, then a castle might just be the choice for you.
Giant Corporate Tower
The corporate skyscraper is another excellent base of operations, and one that is being seen with increased frequency these days. Perfect for company scheming and insider trading, this sinister abode will provide you a world within a world you can completely control. The workers can be beaten down and demoralized as they toil in a honeycombed maze of cubicles, and your network of security cameras will eliminate any sense of privacy that may have once been felt. Furthermore, the sheer height of the tower can serve as an intimidation measure, as there is no more oppressive feeling than standing beneath a structure so tall it literally bends over you. Why not choose a corporate tower today?
Underground Secret Headquarters of Doom
Perhaps what you're looking for is a gigantic underground complex housed miles beneath the earth's crust. To the untrained eye it looks nothing more than an isolated building in the middle of nowhere, but should you take the secret elevator within then all becomes horribly revealed. A diabolical lair of a demented madman, filled with doomsday machines and terrible devices. The sprawling expanse should provide ample room for the creation of your robot army, and the cryogenic tubes are useful for freezing yourself to awaken in a new and better world. Popular for their isolation from humanity as well as their 'only a madman could live here' feel, a subterranean lair may be right for you.
Abandoned Church
The more atmosphere-oriented evil-doer may want to consider the possibility of an abandoned church. Besides the innate irony of such a locale, these former holy grounds can actually make quite sinister bases of operations. The entrance can be adorned with an upside-down and bleeding crucifix, and further investigation can reveal blasphemous altars, sex chambers, and insane cultists trying to bring about the return of unspeakable gods. Many churches are also built upon the ruins of old pagan temples, which may possess ancient tunnels leading to any number of lost civilizations. If heresy and sacrilege make you tingle, then you may want to purchase an abandoned church today.
Fake Mountain
The fake mountain with a hollow interior is yet another site often used by evil geniuses. While on the outside it looks like any other mountain, with the flip of a switch you can transform it into a deadly fortress of doom! Where once stood rock can now stand rocket turrets, as the front opens up to reveal missile launchers and powerful artillery cannons. The central base can easily house your armies of destruction, and the whole thing folds up quite nicely when you are done playing with it. The only caveat with the fake mountain is that you should not place it in the middle of cities. They are for some reason too often noticed there.
Desert Island
Perfect for the evil-doer in need of a vacation, the desert island is an wonderful site for corporate headquarters and secret lairs. The scenic locale is ideal for greatly relieving your stress levels while at the same time providing an earthly paradise to destroy and despoil. Island natives are quite common on these, thus giving you a people to torment as well as rule over like a god. These places are also quite good for the creation of mutant races, in particular when you're played by Marlon Brando. If you've had it up to here with the hustle and bustle of city life and want something new, then you may want to consider this exotic alternative.
Amusement Park
Amusement parks are an especially fun-filled type of lair that have been treasured by supervillains for decades. The décor can easily be transformed into a carnival of horrors, with the roller coasters becoming death machines, fun houses filled with booby traps, and a hall of mirrors at the end for confronting the heroes. You can also theme the park any way you choose, creating such areas as Apocalypse Land, Evil Clown Land, or even Nightmares Made Flesh Land. The tunnel of love can become the tunnel of screams, and the Ferris wheel can always be turned into one big gatlling gun. But perhaps best of all, you can take the family, and engage in such wholesale slaughter to create memories for years to come.
Space Station
One of the finest possibilities is not even located on this earth. That's right, a space station may be right for you, superb for plotting out your evil deeds far out of reach of any under-funded do-gooder. Space fortresses nowadays come standard with former Star Wars and SDI technology, and can be easily retrofitted with disrupter rays and cloaking fields. They also make an excellent base of operations for bringing about the destruction of the earth, particularly should you not want you yourself to be destroyed along with it. Though you may suffer from occasional alien attacks and the periodic asteroid, the space station is an excellent lair and should not be overlooked.

Tangent Man
"Tell me wise Tangent man person, how does an Aircraft know where it is, when in clouds for example?"
The aircraft knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn't. By subtracting where it is from where it isn't, or where it isn't from where it is (whichever is the greater), it obtains a difference, or deviation. The Inertial Guidance System uses deviations to generate error signal commands which instruct the aircraft to move from a position where it is to a position where it isn't, arriving at a position where it wasn't, or now is. Consequently, the position where it is, is now the position where it wasn't; thus, it follows logically that the position where it was is the position where it isn't. In the event that the position where the aircraft now is, is not the position where it wasn't, the Inertial Guidance System has acquired a variation. Variations are caused by external factors, the discussions of which are beyond the scope of this report.
A variation is the difference between where the aircraft is and where the aircraft wasn't. If the variation is considered to be a factor of significant magnitude, a correction may be applied by the use of the autopilot system. However, use of this correction requires that the aircraft now knows where it was because the variation has modified some of the information which the aircraft has, so it is sure where it isn't. Nevertheless, the aircraft is sure where it isn't (within reason) and it knows where it was. It now subtracts where it should be from where it isn't, where it ought to be from where it wasn't (or vice versa) and integrates the difference with the product of where it shouldn't be and where it was; thus obtaining the difference between its deviation and its variation, which is variable constant called "error".
Got a question for the Tangent Man? - Click here to ask it. Click Here for "Tangent Wear"© range of clothing and merchandise.

What Women Say (And What They Really Mean)

I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of a banjo-playing hillbilly.")
There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.)
I'm not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork I have ever laid eyes upon.)
My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a rich sugar daddy.)
I've got a boyfriend. (I'd rather stay home alone.)
I don't see men where I work. (Hey, pal, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and as my job has got to be better than seeing you.)
I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether.)
Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and sleep with.)

What Men Say (And What They Really Mean)

I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
I'm not attracted to you in that way. (You're ugly.)
My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
I don't see women where I work. (You're ugly.)
It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
Let's be friends. (You're ugly.)

As you can see life is far simpler as a bloke.

Shagnasty's May 2001 "The POC"
Issue Fourteen (14)	Release Date: 1st May 2001		© PenisOwner.com 1996-2001
Welcome to the World Wide Family of Penis Owners. Not a member? Welcome anyway but you can join here, if you want.
Previous Issues		Legal Stuff

A list of true Hard Nuts (Part One!) You think you're hard do you? We've all heard the call, made at pub closing time by some shaved gorilla in a track-suit and jewellery. Many might think they're hard, but it takes more than a tattoo on the forehead and a broken bottle to be the real deal. It's about doing that something extra, whether it be the bravest thing or even just the stupidest thing. Like Ghandi who never threw a punch in his life, or Mike Tyson who did. Behold! We present the list of true hard nuts.
Mr Spock Half-human, half-Vulcan, who had kids everywhere trying to knock each other out by squeezing their shoulder. It never worked in my experience, but did hurt all the same. Renowned for his logic and lack of emotions, he was still fond of Jim and Bones wasn't he.	BA Baracus Had to be hard to carry around six-stone of jewellery. Wouldn't fly with care-in-the-community case Murdock, but had an excellent hard voice. Fooool! Was unfortunate to loose a boxing match with the Italian Pygmy Rocky.
That Chinese bloke in front of the tank. Took on the might of the Chinese military in Tiananmen Square, armed with nothing more than some kung-fu slippers, a satchel and a bag of shopping - good effort son. You have to admit that this guy must surely have possessed gonads the size of a couple of small planets. Never identified by the Western Media lets all hope that the Chinese didn't identify him either.	Joe Pesci. "You stupid fuck, motherfucker, dumb fucking cocksucker, fucking stupid faggot fuck." As short as he was hard, as he was psychopathic - a truly frightening combination. Especially when he shot that poor lad in the foot. Ouch! (Quite nasty in "Throw momma from the train" too)
	Terry McCann. Arfur Daley's short-changed right-hand man, minder, confidante and driver. In the early 80's there seemed no limits to the ginger Cockney's powers as he patrolled in his Ford Capri. Whether he was scrapping hooligans, smugglers or Scotland Yard's Inspector Chisholm, the tasty ex-pro boxer held the sleazy underbelly of London together. The phrase "Got something to say?" always proceeded some good old-fashioned fist-e-cuffs.
Martin Bell. The white suited Independent UK MP has put himself in some seriously serious war scuffles in his time. All for the sake of bringing us the truth and never for the sake of self-aggrandisement, so I understand. Deals with Serbian snipers and Tory MP's with the same cool composure. Like an Avocado, soft and fleshy on the outside, but hard and bitter on the inside.	The Equaliser. Carried a gun but was too hard to ever use it. Always managed to imply the gun-wielding maniac was just "insecure". "Come on Dave, I know your mother never loved you. Now put the gun down." Without the D's in his name he would have been called Ewar Woowar. How hard's that.
Vikings. (In general!) Raping, pillaging, shouting loudly and killing - which is odd because these days Scandinavians are mild, not wild! Introduced the idea of wearing T-Shirts in the bleak of mid-winter to the citizens of Brick Lane Market in London. A tradition proudly upheld to this day.	Ra-Ra-Rusputin Russia's greatest love machine tried to shag himself into an early grave and then they stabbed, shot, drowned and electrocuted him, and still the bugger wouldn't die. Well-ard or what?
Ray Winston (As Carling in Scum) Hard, despite his first-year haircut and choice of a sock as a weapon of institutionalised violence. In fact Ray Winston is as hard as Ray Winston in a very long film called life. You simply would not want to spill his pint and then tell him he's a talentless middle-class Northerner who should go back to RADA - Big Mistake!	Jackie Chan Star of films such as Drunken Master and Amazon Commando, perhaps most fondly remembered for fighting four whip-wielding women in bondage gear. (Ahh, if only eh). Can beat an entire army of men, providing they come at him one at a time!
Don't mess with any of the above. It really would be a bad idea, as bad ideas go. Back to Index

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and siminars? What about those long and boreing conferance calls? Here is a way to change all of that!
How to play: Check off each block when you hear these words during a meeting, seminar, or phone call. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout BULLSHIT!!
Synergy	Strategic Fit	Gap Analysis	Best Practise	Bottom Line
Revisit	Bandwidth	Hardball	Out of the loop	Benchmark
Value Added	Proactive	Win-Win	Think outside the box	Fast Track
Result-Driven	Empower	Knowledge Base	Total Quality	Touch Base
Mindset	Client Focus	Ball Park	Game Plan	Leverage
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