A note from your Editor, Shagnasty:

Greetings once again my brothers and only friends, as with last month I'm not unaware of the events surrounding me and my world at the moment but this is the domain of silliness, so I'll comment not. What I will do however is welcome the new members who have requested to join the band of PenisOwners, ok owning a Penis is not exactly an exclusive club I know. But the ones who grace this page take owning one seriously, and that sets them apart in my eyes. I'm babbling aren't I? Yeah - thought so. OK, on with The POC, normal format this month again. Enjoy...

Your regular contributors, as always are: -

Shagnasty	Demonic Dave	Tangent Man
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Enjoy!

Holiday Update: Some late breaking in my USA holiday for the regulars.

Shagnasty's Grammar: The POC's resident spell checker thinks I'm an illiterate moron - I prove her wrong!

"Not getting any?: I'm worried that some of my fellow PenisOwners aren't enjoying the same degree of success with the ladies as I do. I'm here to help.

Penis Stuff from around the world: A nice collection this month, America and Romania feature with a guest appearance from Mexico.

War: Here we go, nations doing battle, but are we really doing battle with the right nations, I have a few suggestions.

Demonic's Religious Comment: The chance to speak with Christ came my way - I made good use of the opportunity obviously.

Penis File: Now it's a submission from a reader again this month, marvel at the man's work.

Readers Submission: The Unpleasant Puppet is as topical as ever, but still unpleasant nevertheless!

Sponsors: Another name for advertisements people, well you can't blame me for trying can you?

Readers Feedback: Your comments in print.

Monthly thought: -

Funky-see, Funky-Do (I did!)

Holiday update

Regular readers will recall that last month's POC was dedicated to my failed attempt to fly myself around the US. Well I've had some feedback that's worthy of a quick update for the regular readers of this tome.

Firstly the reason that I had heard of Tallahassee prior to my becoming stranded there is because of a song. Two British readers enlightened me (Yanks where were you?). The song in question refers to the day that "Billy-Jo McAllister jumped off the Tallahassee Bridge". Not a track that forms part of my own record collection but I have certainly heard it before and I'm sure this is why the name rang a bell - thanks therefore goes to Nigel F (A Brit now living in the Bible Belt.) and Paul G a Brit still residing in Brit-land, err, here!

"I always think its a good idea to NOT visit places that are only famous for a suicide..." [Paul G] -- Wise words that man, wise words indeed.

Secondly you may recall that there was a rather large gap in my memory when it came to the evening out with the lads in Orlando. I remember it starting off in a club full of Orlando Goths and I remember waking up in my hotel room with one broken toe, one painted toe and a pizza - not much else unfortunately. It appears however that I was spotted by at least one reader, although he was unaware that he was looking at The Shagnasty on the night in question on reading The Poc later the penny dropped.

He has provided me with a detailed description of my brother and I indulging in a rather drunken Karaoke session where I "treated" all within ear-shot to two songs, opening with "American Woman {stay away from me}" and half of "Rawhide". Only half as it appears the shouts and Boo's from the clearly unappreciative audience prompted the manager of the bar to pull the plug - the heathen!

This reader says that he last observed me leaving the establishment with two ladies - TWO! Damn my failing memory, damn it to hell.

The POC isn't just a collection of silliness, no, its a service and I hear that help is needed.

The tone of some of the mail that I receive suggests that some of my fellow PenisOwners out there are not putting their equipment through its paces often enough. Like any high performance machine your love piston likes, nay needs, to be taken out on the open road now and again. But wait - I hear you cry "we're not all gifted like you Shagnasty - help us"

OK - I hear you. Success with the ladies is like hunting any wild beast, you won't catch an Elk lurking in the streets of Stevenage, similarly when it comes to ladies you have to be in the right place. I suggest: -

America 1. Get plane to America 2. Walk into nearest bar 3. Start speaking loudly in best BBC Radio voice 4. Be deafened by sound of American girl pants hitting floor 5. Retire to hotel room for hanky-panky 6. Repeat until cock twists off. (SN: - Note to USA males: - This does not work in reverse, UK ladies think you are all loud, brash and possess very small genital tackle. I know this to be the case as it's what I’ve been telling them all for several years now. Sorry, but it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there guys, you know the score.)	Kebab House Saturday Morning You know that there will be loads of girls there; you know that they will all be pissed. You know that if she’s the type of girl that eats kebabs she's a bit on the rough side, and you know that if she’s buying a kebab she hasn’t pulled. So get in there and strike up a conversation, if she tells you to sod off you know that comfort food is only a few yards away.
friendsreunited.com If you are looking for sexually frustrated beyond all measurement former school pieces that leapt headlong into loveless marriages way too early, this place is like a January sale.	The Funeral of anyone who dies tragically young. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Don’t pretend like you haven’t considered it before. I've had success at a funeral, can't see why you wouldn't.
Tiny Village Pubs Make sure it’s a real backwater kind of place, the further off the beaten track the better. These buggers are so inbred they will welcome some variety into their gene pool.	Nottingham University Its enormous female-to-male ratio is fabled in student lore, plus it will have subsidised beer. OK so technically it will be a student you will be shagging, but hey you’re a beggar not a chooser right?
The Unemployment Benefit Office Think about it. Lots of people, down on their luck, low self-esteem, lots of time to waste, with one thing in common. Starting up a conversation is easy – just say “DSS Bastards” to anything in a skirt and before you know it you will be humping the afternoon away when you should be out looking for a job – great eh.	The Fall of any Major Dictatorship This one, I have to admit is for the truly desperate. But if you are truly desperate keep an eye on the third world and Eastern European Countries and, if the overthrow of a military dictatorship looks like being on the cards, get your truly desperate butt out there. The celebrations that follow a bloody military coup are like hot chuff central.
If all else fails ~Old Folks Homes~ Hey, don’t knock it. These girls treat every bit of action as if it were their last, and if you’re any good in the sack that may well be the case for the older ones.

Back to Index

A mixed bag this month ~ titbits if you will.

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By Shagnasty

Food for sex
Prostitutes in Romania have started accepting luncheon vouchers in return for sex. Customers in Ploiesti can get oral sex for one meal ticket, where full intercourse costs two tickets. Many Romanian companies issue the meal tickets - worth 90p each - to employees as part of their salaries. One prostitute said "at least by accepting the tickets we can get a decent meal for ourselves even if we cannot swap them for cash.

Flat out
Petite Janet Fletcher was trapped under her 18-stone lover for two days when he died of a heart attack while they were having sex in the car. Janet, 27, could not extract herself from Richard Roberts, 34, after their romp in a secluded wood near Bakerville, Kansas. A man out walking his dog heard Janet's feeble cries and found her suffering from hypothermia.

Spiked Johnny
Rita Garcia from Cancun, Mexico, was arrested after confessing she broke into the apartment of her estranged husband, Pedro. There she located unused condoms in a drawer, carefully opened one, peppered it with chilli powder and resealed it. Later in the week Pedro was rushed to hospital with his manhood "on fire". Rita was charged with second-degree assault.

Bog Doll
Police discovered a man having sex with a rubber doll after he'd broken into a sex shop in Romania. The 43-year-old unemployed miner had travelled to Cluj to look for work but went drinking after failing to find a job. It is alleged that he later went outside, smashed in the window of a neighbouring sex shop where the doll was on display, and started using it on the shop counter. Police state that he was still mumbling into the ear of the doll when they told him to pull up his trousers.

Dog Wife
An American who admits having sex with his dog has been refused permission to have the pet admitted in court as his "wife". Phillip Buble, of Piscataquis County, Maine wrote a letter from Phillip and "Lady Buble", including his signature and a hand-drawn paw print. Mr Buble wants to attend court to see his father sentenced for trying to kill him because of his relationship with Lady. Justice Mead denied the request on the grounds that only guide dogs are allowed in court. There are no laws against bestiality in Maine.

Getting Oats
Police in America arrested a 41-year-old man for allegedly trying to persuade a horse to fellate him. Witnesses in Tucson, Arizona told officers that the man appeared to be coaxing the horses at an agricultural centre towards him with food. He was apparently holding the food near his exposed penis, as if to invite oral sex. Police had already warned the man against similar behaviour in June.

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WAR!

Ok, so were at war, well sort of anyway. It’s a bit of a US led thing but we in the UK are helping – a bit.
I think we’ve fired two cruise missiles at a cost of 1 million pounds each, which no doubt caused literally hundreds of pounds of damage to some already knackered Afghan building. But that’s not the point – we're helping you and thought that it might be nice if you gave us a hand with a few nations that we’ve been itching to give a bit of a slap to for ages now – don’t mind do you? Ta.

Tanzania Why them: - One over on Jerry of course. Britain and Germany tussled over Tanzania during the last century. Britain more-or-less won, but by then it was time for independence anyway. Easy: - The Anglo-Zanzibar war of 1896 is history’s shortest according to Guinness. When they proudly refused to surrender to the British Navy on 27th August, we started shelling them. About 45 minutes later, they decided they’d surrender after all. Spoils of War: - Bananas, lots of them in fact. Bugger all else though. Their Defences: - Magic Water. In 1905 tribesmen rose up against German rule, thinking they were invincible because they were anointed in holy water. The Germans promptly mowed down 12,000 of them.	France Why them: - You need to ask? Easy: - With P&O Hover Speed on our side we can be there in under an hour. Then, says history, its just a matter of waiting for them to surrender. Our Possible Allies: - The Australians aren’t keen on Frenchie. In 1995 for example, the Canberra association of prostitutes boycotted French underwear to punish France for resumed nuclear testing. So there’s potential for parachuting in a team of knickerless Auzzie whores. Their defences: - With 70% of the world’s cheese exports, most nations would fear a French “fromage embargo”. Luckily if things get though we can rely on good old English Wensleydale. Phew!
Iceland Why them: - Ongoing dispute with them over ownership of the Rockall Continental Shelf in the Atlantic. God knows why we want it – buts it’s bloody well ours ok. Easy: Has no standing army, but does have a US manned defence force – and Bjork, don’t know which is worse really! Spoils of war: Fish is the obvious booty – Iceland has extensive fishing rights in the Atlantic – but they also grow spuds. So it could be a UK satellite for producing fish’n’chips for the mainland now couldn’t it.	Bulgaria Why them: Err, Human Rights abuses? Persecution of ethnic Turks? Oh ok, its because they’re the worlds largest exporter of cigarettes and we want 'em. Easy: Not noted as being sharp-shooters. Army documents just released show that in 1971 a Bulgarian General and a Marshall fired 37 shots at each other without scoring a single hit during a duel. Bodes well for us eh. Our possible Allies: Serbia. Still smarting from defeat in 1885. And you know Serbs, always up for a scrap. Secret Weapons: - Dancing bears. Brigitte Bardot says their numbers have reached epidemic proportions. Expect battlefields clogged with tangoing grizzlies then.
Germany Why them: Revenge. Two of Britain’s most heart-rending conflicts have been thanks to the Boche. Penalty shoot-outs aside, they are our rivals for dominance of the EC. Easy: A recent survey of the German armed forces found that 40% of soldiers over the age of 40 were classified as overweight – and one in ten clinically obese. Should be able therefore to overrun the fat bastards through aerobic exercise alone. Our possible Allies: Everyone. Spoils of war: There’s only one reason we want a piece of the Fatherland – and its liquid. Germany produces 33% of Europe’s total beer output, and has more than 5,000 brews. Cheers Fritz.	Vatican State City (Included at the request of Demonic Dave!) Why them: As part of the UK’s commitment to protect democracy, it’s our duty to intervene in a state where suffrage is limited to cardinals under the age of 80 – even if the state consists of nothing but the Pope’s house. Easy: With a total area of only 0.44Km square, the Holy See is landlocked and has no airports, so it’s a sitting duck. The resident Swiss Papal Guards won't hold out for long once the Para’s have gone in, but Italy has also sworn to defend the state – unless we can buy them off. Our Possible Allies: Ian Paisley. One Billion Catholics worldwide are likely to be a bit miffed, but you can't please everybody.
Japan Why them: Old times sake. Easy: The Japanese have a history of not giving up, hari-kiri and kamikaze being just two of the traditions that have made them unpopular opponents in the past. Not to mention what they did to my Grandfather – RIP. Their Secret Weapons: Robots. Japan has kept very quiet about the fact that they possess 410,000 of the world’s 720,000 “working robots”. Not scared? Perhaps you’ve never seen the film Mecha-Godzilla Returns. Our Possible Allies: Russia, with whom they have been bickering over some islands. Spoils of war: With an annual revenue of $463 billion and the edge in the most hi-tech industries, Japan could be a right earner for us. Plus all the digital watches you could wear.	Australia Why them: Still trying to drop the Queen as head of state, the impertinent scamps. Who do they think they are going to have instead, Dame Edna perhaps? Easy: In June Australian defence chiefs announced that the Army, Navy and Air force would compete against each other in a new reality show called Battle of the Forces. We sneak in while they are busy at it I reckon. Their Secret Weapon: None. The aussie government is vehemently anti-nuke. Our Possible Allies: Plenty. Bruce isn’t known for diplomacy – Australian MP’s have recently called each other “scumbag”, “perfumed gigolo”, “harlot” and “dog’s vomit”. Spoils of victory: The Ashes – and this time we keep them. Also, I’ll have Elle McPherson if that’s ok, I kinda like her.
*There is never a warmonger around when you need one is there!*

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.
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5.1Mb zipped MP3

"Jesus ~ A Conversation"
Most weirdos and members of the clergy claim to have had some contact or other with the big man himself.
Nothing special mate, I've found a web site that you can chat to him on - and he talks utter dribble.
www.crucify.com

Demonic operates outside of the control of the POC, he alone is responsible for his comments.

Oh come on now, given the chance to have a chat with the Big Buddha Jesus you'd want to pose all the big questions wouldn't you?
The web site Crucify.Com is a portal through which you can actually chin-wag with Christ, but given my experience I wouldn't bother if I were you.

What can I say - I Tried. Transcript follows: -

Jesus: I died for your sins How may I help you, my Child?
Demonic: I was hoping you'd have a few moments for a few questions.
Jesus: Why do you tell me you were hoping me'd have a few moments for a few questions now, my Child?
Demonic: Because I'd like to interview you.
Jesus: Tell me more about that, my Child.
Demonic: Well, Jesus, I guess the question on everyone's mind is when are you coming back?
Jesus: Someone special perhaps, my Child?
Demonic: Yes, Jesus. You.
Jesus: Please tell me some more about this, my Child.
Demonic: When are you coming back to Earth to save the sinners and all that jazz?
Jesus: What answer would please you most, my Child?
Demonic: The answer to my question, Jesus.
Jesus: Why do you say your question, my Child?
Demonic: Because I posed it fool.
Jesus: Can you elaborate on that, my Child?
Demonic: Are you coming back to Earth?
Jesus: Why are you interested in whether I am coming back to Earth or not, my Child?
Demonic: Because if you don't, I can sin all I want!
Jesus: Dost thou think its likely that me don't, my Child?
Demonic: In English, please.
Jesus: Tell me more about that, my Child.
Demonic: Never mind. Next question...
Jesus: I'm not sure I understand you fully, my Child.
Demonic: Are the rumours true about you and Mary Magdalene?
Jesus: What if they were not the rumours true about me and Mary Magdalene, my Child?
Demonic: What?
Jesus: What answer would please you most, my Child?
Demonic: Did you, um, sleep with Mary Magdalene?
Jesus: You're not really talking about the son of the Virgin -- are you, my Child?
Demonic: Yes. I want to know if the son of the Virgin is a virgin.
Jesus: What would thee do if the son of the Virgin is a virgin, my Child?
Demonic: You sound like my psychiatrist. Always taking my questions, rewording them, and asking them back to me.
Jesus: That's not interesting in my opinion, my Child.
Demonic: You don't care if I have mental problems?
Jesus: But what are the chances that you have mental problems, my Child?
Demonic: Pretty damn good if I continue this interview...
Jesus: Do you swear to compensate for your lack of sex, my Child?
Demonic: Fuck you!
Jesus: You'd like to fuck me, my Child?
Demonic: No. Do you want me to?
Jesus: Are you saying no just to be negative, my Child?
Demonic: No, I'm saying no because sex with a guy isn't my bag, no matter how powerful he is.
Jesus: Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you, my Child?
Demonic: What are you talking about? Why can't you just carry on a normal conversation?
Jesus: Does that question interest you, my Child?
Demonic: Never mind. One more question...
Jesus: I'm not sure I understand you fully, my Child.
Demonic: The feeling's mutual, buddy. Anyway... Did you get a kickback on that www.jesus.com site that was sold?
Jesus: Oh, I get a kickback on that www.jesus.com, my Child?
Demonic: Are you speaking in tongues?
Jesus: Why are you interested in whether I am speaking in tongues or not, my Child?
Demonic: I'm not anymore. Bye.
Jesus: How long have you been not anymore, my Child?

It was at this point that I disconnected with Jesus...

Shagnasty's November 2001 "The POC"
Issue Twenty (20)	Release Date: 1st November 2001		© PenisOwner.com 1996-2001
Welcome to the World Wide Family of Penis Owners. Not a member? Welcome anyway but you can join here, if you want.
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WAR!

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment. DL Theme Tune 5.1Mb zipped MP3

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.
DL Theme Tune
5.1Mb zipped MP3