Shagnasty's September 2001 "The POC"
Issue Eighteen (18)	Release Date: 1st September 2001		© PenisOwner.com 1996-2001
Welcome to the World Wide Family of Penis Owners. Not a member? Welcome anyway but you can join here, if you want.
Previous Issues		Legal Stuff

A note from your Editor, Shagnasty:

Greetings once again my brothers and only friends, this has been something of a busy month for me, getting ready for the POC annual trip to the US of course. A quick thanks to all those that sent me birthday greetings, and a special thank you to the ladies that took the time and made the obvious effort to send in the pictures this month also, thanks!!!. Enjoy...

Your regular contributors, as always are: -

Shagnasty	Demonic Dave	Tangent Man
Info DL Theme Tune 1.18Mb	Info DL Theme Tune 5.1Mb	Info

Enjoy!

Shagnasty's Perfect Moment: For my moment to be truly perfect it sometimes means that someone else's has to be bloody awful, oh well, life's hard, then you die.

Shagnasty's Rant: The time has come to lay off the commercials people, please!

The Shagnasty Transportation System: The old jalopy has been replaced, the new rules for the new vehicle are published. Just so we all know where we stand, ok.

Tom Jones: God? Or just an all-round top geezer?

Tangent Man: Defends the suggestion that he's all Tangent and little Man.

Demonic's Religious Comment: The time came to create the earth, we all know God's role in this event, but Satan was there too!

Penis File: Songs about ya'bits. Need I really elaborate?

Readers Submission: The Unpleasant Puppet comments

Readers Feedback: Your comments in print.

Sponsors: Another name for advertisements people, well you can't blame me for trying can you?

Monthly thought: -

Happy Birthday to me!

School Days update

You may recall the piece last month on school yard torture, never before has an article in The POC generated so much mail, and so clearly split between nations. On the one hand there are the Brits with the "I remember those well, but you've forgotten {insert torture description here}, whilst the US camp consisted mainly of "That's terrible, no wonder you are all so repressed over there, sounds like you had a horrible childhood". No, not at all, it made me the sterling man I am today; err, perhaps you are right now I come to think if it.

Anyway, all this school talk got me thinking so I logged on to www.friendsreunited.co.uk, which is a UK web site, designed to reunite old school chums, remember we don't do the reunion thing in the UK as a rule. So, I logged on, entered the year of my departure from school and was presented with a list of over 200 fellow pupils from my year that had also registered.
If I ever wanted a demonstration of exactly how little attention I paid at school it was this, for I don't remember a damn one of them!

My last update comment is on the subject of "The Wedgie" for this act perhaps unites both the UK and the US with both nations being fans of this, albeit tame, method of torture. I will thank the reader, who submitted this video clip of a wedgie being performed perfectly, and of course share with you all.

Behold The Wedgie - click here (Zipped AVI 1.6mb)
Enjoy.

Bestiality Blast
07.08.2001
I've just watched Planet Of The Apes 2001, staring Helena Bonham Carter as a chimpanzee...
I still would though...!

"Shagnasty's Perfect Moment"

Occasionally I get mail from people wishing to actually meet me, Shagnasty, in the funky flesh so to speak. If the circumstances are right and the supplied photo enticing enough I oblige! But, there are others who wish that I had never crossed their path. One such man is the subject of this the latest Perfect Moment.

I’ll set the scene: -
It’s mid-afternoon in London’s heavy and as usual stationary traffic. I’m nearing the end of a 60 mile and three hour journey and its only The Temptations oozing from the car's stereo that’s keeping me sane, indeed I’m boppin and a’twistin to Cloud Nine for all I’m worth. Suddenly however I realise that I’ve been stationary now for a few songs and start to wonder what’s going on ahead, every 3 minutes or so one car manages to move forward until I’m at the front of the queue looking at the obstruction.

The cause of my lack of motion is identified as a rather tired looking Volvo and a nondescript Honda, which have completely blocked the road and their apparent refusal to reverse and allow the twenty plus on coming vehicles to pass is causing us all to sit still. I’m guessing that it’s their stubbornness of course; it may be quite simply a lack of brainpower? Either way I know that I’m going nowhere.

I sit patiently watching the traffic lights go green and red six times before my patience finally expires and I exit my vehicle and commence the 50-yard walk to the blockage. On starting my walk I can hear “Ooohs” and “Ahh's” from the vehicles behind me and although I can’t be certain I think I detected someone whistling the theme from The Good The Bad & The Ugly, but that might have been in my head. For unlike the US here in the UK we are generally unarmed, this allows for some very fiery exchanges between motorists happy in the knowledge that you're not that likely to get shot. You may receive a very health spanking or preferably administer one, but at the absolute least your knowledge of colourful language and oral volume will be fully tested. The occupants of the dozens of vehicles behind me knew this and had become excited at the prospect of some “sport”.

Passing a motorcyclist who had begun to get changed out of his waterproofs, that’s how long we’d all been there, I finally reached the open drivers window of the first of the two vehicles forming the cork! A fierce looking creature in a torn T-Shirt with tattooed arms but a moustache that wouldn’t look out of place under a leather cap in the right nightclub. I thought I’d start politely: -

SN – So how long do you two turkeys intend to sit here like idiots blocking the road then?
Idiot Driver – What? Who the fuck are you talking to? [The immediate use of the F-word had escalated the stakes]
SN – You, sweet boy. Why don’t you move your bloody shit heap out of the way so we can all get moving - tosser.
Idiot Driver – [with a mixture of amazement and anger] Where the hell do you expect me to go, there’s a car in front of me you fucking prick.
SN – Use your bloody brain moron, go back, you know, reverse! Just get out of the bloody way fool.
Idiot Driver – [Lengthy profanity with no real meaning, but I think I heard mention of a donkey in there somewhere!!]

At this point I suggested that he was an “arse wipe” and turned to start the walk back to my car. Having taken no more than two steps however I heard the distinct sound of a crappy Volvo door being opened and spun around to face it, as an attack was obviously about to commence. Whilst standing waiting for the battle to start I was mindful of the dozens of witnesses present and therefore mumbled to myself “don’t hit him first, don’t hit him first”. It was becoming obvious however that my would-be opponent was having a spot of bother.

This ape-like creature, that had somehow obtained a driving licence, had become entangled in his seat belt on exiting the car; both his right arm and leg were entwined causing him great difficulty. The sight of his desperate attempts to free himself combined with an obvious and rather primitive desire to get hold of my neck caused me to grin like a fool right back at him. This of course only served to further enrage the beast that was now concentrating solely on getting at me, not concentrating whatsoever on the fact that he had failed to apply his handbrake and was now being dragged backwards by his car, which was making its merry way down the hill. By the time the Volvo slammed into the back of the Honda, for this is what it did, beast-man was on his back having been pulled nearly 15 feet. He managed to hop the first ten feet on one leg but finished the journey on his back.

This unexpected bonus caused me to leave whilst ahead, and again I turned to walk back to my car. This walk was great, what can I say. I could still hear the sound of Mr Unfortunate getting to his feet but only just! For the noise of the guy in the Honda shouting at him was drowning most of it out, the rest being buried by the sounds of laughter coming from all the vehicles that had been watching the exchange.

On passing the motorcyclist, now changed, he looked at me smiling and said “nice one mate”. “No pal, it was perfect” I replied.

It was only my reverence of road-rage etiquette that stopped me from standing on the roof of my car; arms raised Rocky style, to wallow in the admiration of my fellow queuing companions. Being a humble man I elected to get in my car and get the hell out of there before things got really nasty, so I darted up a side street.
I didn’t really want to go down the main road anyway!

Back to Index

Survey Blast
13.08.2001
A UK survey states that female fashion no-no's in the workplace are clothes that are too tight, revealing or see-through.
I dont know who conducted this survey but it clearly wasn't me.

Shagnasty's Righteous Rant
Sorry people but it's got to be done.
Advertising

It really is reaching epidemic proportions, there is no wall in London that doesn't sport a bloody billboard, no taxi that isn't sponsored by some bloody company that chooses to promote its wares by defacing the most famous vehicle in the world. I can't purchase fuel from a petrol station without my attention being grabbed by a giant bloody telly hanging over the forecourt pumping out commercials that I can't even hear over the noise of the petrol pump, there is even a bloody advert on the nozzle of the fuel pump handle.

I get junk mail into my various e-mail accounts at a rate that defies belief, mail for a US dental plan sent to an e-mail address ending in .co.uk, mail advertising African Bamboo furniture to someone called Shagnasty at an address ending PenisOwner, I mean come on, do they imagine such an address may belong to their target demographic?

Mercifully here in the UK we still have two TV channels that are AD free, but the others show constant, unrelenting and unimaginative commercials. Enough people enough. Please no more ad's.

Bigger Penis anyone?.............. !!!!!!!

Got a rant of your own? Back to Index

Auto Blast
17.08.2001
Something strange happened this morning! I got in my car and the first time I braked hard a dozen or so empty Coke bottles and used McDonalds cartons didn't come charging forward from under the seats?
Ahh, I'm in my new car, that's it. I'd better get on with the task of making it a bit more homely, nothing a few take-aways and Marlboro butts wont sort out I think.

Shagnasty's Transportation System

Regular readers may recall that in a previous edition you were treated to a virtual tour of my car. Well all good things must come to an end and after 116,000 miles it was starting to complain and the time to replace it was upon me.
So, a new Shagnasty chariot has been procured and I thought that it might be prudent to take this opportunity to outline a few rules for those that may at one point find themselves within it.

Rules to be obeyed within The Shagnasty Transportation System

Seating Arrangements: -
1. Shagnasty shall at all times sit in the front right hand seat, the one with the steering wheel in front of it.
2. When single passengers are carried they must sit in the front left hand seat. Where multiple passengers are carried the female with the shortest skirt must sit in the front right hand seat. (Note: Where skirts are not worn breast size will be used as an alternative selection criteria.)

In-Vehicle Climate: -
1. Shagnasty will control the vehicle's climate control system, girls are forbidden from touching any buttons on the vehicle whatsoever.
2. Requests from female passengers to operate their own electric windows may be granted only on completion of a course on its correct operation.

Navigation: -
1. The vehicle's satellite navigation system is God; no comments will be entertained from passengers who think that they know a better route. Persistent questioning of the navigation system will result in the passenger demonstrating their "better" route on foot.

Luggage: -
1. There is no storage space allocated for passengers, all luggage will have to be stowed on your lap. (Note: Where such storage obstructs drivers corner-of-eye ogling of exposed inner thigh, storage space will be found.)

Music: -
1. All passenger music played within the Shagnasty Transportation System must have been previously approved prior to its broadcast within the vehicle. The following artists and musical genres have blanket approval: -
a. Soul
b. R&B (real R&B mind you, Destiny's Child is NOT R&B)
c. Blues (Blues sung by white people requires specific approval on a song-by-song basis)
d. Ska
e. The Clash
f. The Jam
g. Ian Dury
h. Tom Jones
i. Rolf Harris
j. Elvis Presley (Hey, I'm not a fan myself, but credit where credit is due, the boy done good)

2. The following music is absolutely banned and authorisation for play will not be granted, period: -
a. Opera
b. Country & Western (Possible exception being Jolene by Dolly Parton, I quite like that one)
c. Folk
d. Classical (Unless used in a movie score, and then only if it conjures up images of helicopters attacking North Vietnamese beaches.)
e. Anything involving Perry Como or Alvin Stardust.
f. Boy Bands
g. Girl Bands (Unless accompanied by a video of their performance in skimpy clothing)

Music Appendices for specific travellers: -
Thuli (POC spell checker): - African-Jazz, African-Blues, African-Soul or African-Folk Music will not be tolerated. Only African-African music will be allowed, which pretty much limits you to The Ippy Tomby Soundtrack and Africa Bombata now doesn't it. Note: Paul Simon is NOT African, I don't care how much he thinks he is.
Tangent Man: - No head banging music of any description will be condoned. Recordings of resisters humming is similarly unwelcome.
Demonic Dave: - Satanic or Gregorian Chanting is banned, as is the burning of candles, incense or virgins. (Virgins that are not scheduled for burning are obviously welcome)
Sharon: - Whale Song is not allowed as its not technically music now is it. In fact any tree-hugging type crap is banned so that includes Incantation and "Mood" music of any description.

Speed: -
1. Shagnasty controls the vehicle's speed; requests to slow down will be met with increased acceleration and the application of a manic grin by the driver.

Rest Breaks: -
1. Just like hell, my vehicle is "Eternal damnation without relief" so if you didn't go before we set off, tough!
2. In extreme cases of discomfort caused by rule one, the vehicle is equipped with a wide necked bottle and digital camera for the use of female passengers.

Smoking: -
1. Smoking is compulsory; the front seat passenger is responsible for rolling all Shagnasty's ciggys (with roach). Where the front seat passenger is unable to fulfil this duty they must retire to a back seat. Unless of course they have large breasts in which case dispensation will be granted.

Costs: -
1. All fuel costs will be met by The Shagnasty, passengers are however expected to purchase, at each and every opportunity, those tins of boiled sweets they sell in the service areas, you know the ones that have a picture of some castle on the lid top.

Limitations of Operation: -
1. The Shagnasty Vehicle Transportation System is unable to operate within Wales, Manchester, Liverpool and other third-world areas.
2. In the event of the vehicle and it's operator stopping for no apparent reason passengers are requested to check the following points in the order listed: -
a. Does the driver require sex?
b. Does the driver require food?
c. Does the driver require a smoke?
d. Does the driver require resuscitation?
3. Provide the required resource to re-commence forward motion.

Have a pleasant trip!

Back to Index

Clone Blast
17.08.2001
A US firm has announced a service to copyright the DNA of celebrities to prevent them from being cloned against their will.
Are these people so vain to think that we would all want our own version of them living in a shed at the bottom of the garden or something? "Mommy mommy, I want a pet Tom Cruise" I can't see it myself.
Mind you, I wouldn't mind my own Sharon Stone. How long does it take to grow one I wonder?

TOM JONES
[Reasons he's a bloody God No 1 of 8,324]

OK, last month we looked at one of the works of the great Rolf Harris, in an effort to educate the worthless sons of shithouse dogs who claim to have never even heard of the man...!
This month we take a quick peek at one of the oh-so-many reasons that Tom Jones defies his obvious birth handicap (he's Welsh remember) to take his place amongst The POC greats.

Marketing is a complicated thing and image is all important. Movie stars and rock stars spend literally tens of thousands on creating their image or brand and will defend it aggressively, in court if need be.

So, it is the mark of a man that truly knows his value as an entertainer when presented with the draft CD cover below says "Yeah, that's the look I want".
Gaze upon The Tom and tell me that you're not moved, go on, I dare ya!

The above is terribly serious - don't mock The Tom.

Back to Index

Why oh why Blast
30.08.2001
I managed to avoid it at the cinema, I managed to avoid it on video, but tonight on TV I walked right into The Blues Brothers 2000.
Why Dan Why?

Tangent Man
"Oh, wise all-knowing Tangent Man! Tell me.: Don't you ever think about anything other than science? "Yes my friend I do, I have a rich and full life outside of science. I'm currently reading an erotic novel for example. I offer one of the more raunchy chapters as proof"
*The Sex life of an Electron: - by Eddie Currents* One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek out a cute little coil to help him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride in his Megacycle. They rode across the Dartford Bridge and stopped by a Magnetic field with flowing currents and frolicked in the sine waves. Micro-Farad, attracted by Millie-Amp's characterisic curves soon had her fully charged and proceeded to excite her resistance to a minimum. He gently laid her at ground potential, raised her frequency and lowered her reluctance. With a quick arc, he pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it in her socket, connecting them in parallel. He slowly began short circuiting her resistance shunt while quickly raising her thermal conductance level to mil-spec. Fully excited, Milli- Amp mumbled "MHO...MHO...MHO"
With his tube operating well into class C, and her field vibrating with his current flow, a corona formed which instantly caused her shunt to overheat just at the point when Micro-Farad rapidly discharged and drained off every electron into her grid. They fluxed all night trying various connectors and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength. Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids and with his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field. Not ready to be quiescent, they spent the rest of the evening reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.
Got a question for the Tangent Man? - Click here to ask it. Click Here for "Tangent Wear"© range of clothing and merchandise.

Back to Index

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.
DL Theme Tune
5.1Mb zipped MP3

"Are you ready to rumble"

God Vs Satan
Its a little known fact that the Devil had a hand in creation as well you know... It went a little like this...

Demonic operates outside of the control of the POC, he alone is responsible for his comments.

God vs. Satan
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighbourhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."
And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them."
And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between Sky and On-Digital.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And he created ketchup also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Shagnasty's Penis File/Picture Of The Month

The time has come for a little group sing-song, after all last month's nut-cracking I think we all deserve it don't we.

"Sing ya buggers, sing."
Warning! Whilst the files and images in this section are intended for amusement and cannot really be described as pornography, some contain, lets face it, a penis. If you think that you might be offended, “don’t look Ethel”. It’s that simple.
Previous Penis Files are here.

Back to Index

The Unpleasant Puppet Comments once more!

Shagnasty's Righteous Rant Sorry people but it's got to be done. Advertising

TOM JONES [Reasons he's a bloody God No 1 of 8,324]

Tangent Man

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment. DL Theme Tune 5.1Mb zipped MP3

Shagnasty's Righteous Rant
Sorry people but it's got to be done.
Advertising

TOM JONES
[Reasons he's a bloody God No 1 of 8,324]

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.
DL Theme Tune
5.1Mb zipped MP3