Hello there !...  I'm going to be your guide to the wonderful world of cheese. You know, cheese is a magical thing. It can say so much about who we are, express so many varied emotions and moods. In spite of our many differences and disagreements, people of all nations and creeds can be brought together thanks to the international language of cheese. Don't fear the cheese people, embrace the cheese.

But often, selecting just the right kind of cheese can be a nightmare. So many brands! So many flavours! So much to choose from! Well worry not, for I'm here to help you through this intimidating minefield of dairy produce. Just follow my simple advice and you will be able to relax and enjoy your cheese to the full.

I first became interested in cheese when I was introduced to it at an early age by my milkman's Uncles, car mechanic. I well remember those dark winters long ago, when I would creep into his garage at the end of my road at night. The air would be thick with the heady aroma of cigar smoke, combined with the fusty yet strangely comforting smell of leather from the many sturdily bound volumes that lined his office. It was often his habit to work late into the night, composing speeches and attending to his correspondence, and he always had a glass of port and a wedge of cheese to see him through the evening. He, of course, would welcome my intrusion as it allowed him a brief respite from his labours, and he would invite me to smell his cheese. Sometimes it would be Edam, sometimes Brie. On occasion he even ventured a Stilton or a Danish Blue. Those aromas were pungent, alien and dangerously exciting. I remember still the thrill of anticipation before that heady odour hit my nostrils, the satisfaction of correctly guessing a Camembert or Roquefort. That's how I learnt how to not fear the cheese, but to embrace its pungent glory.

Later in life, as my long standing interest in cheese became more widely known, many people would actively seek me out to solicit my advice. What is the best time of day to serve Red Leicester, they would ask? Or what is the best sort of cheese to feed to a distressed member of the clergy, they might enquire? I have always tried to respond to these enquiries to the best of my ability, and whilst I may not always have the answers, I hope that the advice I have been able to impart has helped in some small way to allay people's cheese-related anxieties.

Below, then, I present a selection of some of the letters I have received over the years, along with my replies. I have endeavoured to include many of the more commonplace questions and queries, in the hope that my advice might also be of some assistance to you, dear reader. The first is from a charming young man, whose cheese enquiry has a romantic twist...

Dear Shagnasty
I have recently become familiar with a young lady in the Maidstone area. I would quite like to become familiar with her in a number of other areas also, but I fear rejection. My problem is the young lady in question comes from quite a well-to-do family, whereas I am of limited means. I suspect that the usual methods to a lady's heart - chocolate, flowers and so forth - may not do the trick, and I was thinking of presenting her with some cheese. Sadly I am unable to afford the more exotic Gruyere or Finlandia Swiss, and I was thinking of plying her with some stout Wensleydale instead. Am I being too forward? Please, Shagnasty - do you think that there's any chance that she might one day succumb to my cheesy advances?

Yours Forlornly,

Ronald P

Well Ronald, you certainly don't beat around the bush, do you?  Never mind the delicate Bries and gentle Camemberts - it's out with the old Wensleydale and straight down to business!  Deary me, the young really are so rash.  You must learn that the way to a young girl's heart is not through Wensleydale, but through Parmesan.  Resting seductively in a satin-lined mahogany presentation case, it cannot fail to make the young lady swoon.
Trust me...

Stop right there!  It is highly irresponsible to give young children clothing made out of cheddar. Such a hard, abrasive cheese can chafe the skin and encourage the attention of rodents.  It is best to use some sort of soft, low fat cheese spread up until the child is eighteen months old.  Thereafter it can happily be weaned onto small booties made of a nice Greek feta.  A sweater knitted from mild cheddar should serve the little tyke up to the age of eight, at which point it may be worth considering an anorak fashioned from Stilton. It's a good thing you write to me, a horrific disaster prevent I would suggest.

Quite right Mary!  I've always found that a four year old Gorgonzola usually helps them snap out of it.  For best results it should be loaded into a rocket launcher and fired at a spot just three inches to the left of the grief-stricken relative's head. Aim careful now though wont you, don't waste good Gorgonzola on the dead.
 

I note that you have used a comedy name "Les", given that you are encouraging residents of Liverpool into your home I can see your reasons. Anyway, I am reminded of a charity function I attended in Dorking, back in 1986.   I was offered - in addition to the regulation vol-au-vents and other sundry nibbles - what appeared to be some variety of processed Cheshire substitute.  I was greatly offended by this and made my feelings perfectly clear to the host, before turning sharply on my heel and storming out.  I was mindful that this was a philanthropic occasion and that certain culinary cutbacks would have to be made, but nevertheless, the serving of this vile, substandard 'psuedocheese' was absolutely unforgivable.  You would do well to remember that even the most informal of occasions presents no excuse for such bad form, and accordingly you should serve His Worship the very finest cheese that your funds will allow.

Dear Nasty
During the course of my business I often have occasion to visit the City, and it has been my habit of late to take several wedges of Double Gloucester along for the journey. These I carry tucked into the waistband of my trousers. However, I have noticed that this often causes concern amongst passers-by, who seem quite disturbed by the sight of cheese protruding from my lower regions. I feel I may have caused myself some embarrassment, can you help?

Dr Ronald Figg, OBE
Whilst I'm sure you acted in all innocence, I'm afraid the fact of the matter is that it is generally considered quite vulgar for a gentleman to display his cheese in a public place.  Have you considered investing in a small velvet knapsack, in which you can transport your Double Gloucester in comfort and without causing offence?   Alternatively, Harrods sell a very smart cheese belt, which can be worn beneath exterior clothing, and has the added advantage of individual compartments, thus allowing for the simultaneous conveyance of several different types of cheese without fear of cross-contamination.

I think that we can agree that I should be congratulated for getting through that lot without once mentioning Knob Cheese - oops - dammit, and I was so close...!

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Tangent Man

Cheese Technology - Explained...
a +(E/2 + b) = D - Õ + Ö ³ W » /y + 12¹⁰ = (7b x Õ ) = 42 £ k a = CHEESE

This apparently simple formula, conclusively proving the existence of cheese, is the result of many years of arduous research carried out by myself at Montpliers University. Cheese has been in common usage since the bronze age, as both a construction material and as an industrial lubricant. However, until now its existence has never been scientifically proven, although Sir Isaac Newton did claim to have determined the atomic weight of Stilton as early as 1638 - some four years before he was actually born - not bad eh. This latest discovery has finally put an end to all the speculation, demonstrating that cheese has an objective reality, and is not some weird Satanist conspiracy dreamt up by Freemasons, as was previously claimed by some high-ranking members of the Catholic Church.
This momentous breakthrough is seen as a welcome vindication of my work, which has been heavily criticised of late. I first began my research in the late seventies and have continued to devote all my purple time and energy to the project, interrupted only by a short spell in Mental squrell turmoil. I and Shagnasty's team of young (mostly female) researchers would often work late into the night. The sounds of giggling and merriment to be heard coming from my laboratory in the early hours of the morning only served to demonstrate my determination to keep up the morale of my staff, and although the University accountants often questioned my regular requests for more alcohol and party snacks, their faith in me has finally been borne out.

Nevertheless, this discovery in no way marks the end of cheese research, there is still a great deal of work to be done, so no need to go cancelling my research grant just yet! My formula only describes basic hard cheeses such as Cheddar or Edam. I have yet to come up with a workable theory to explain soft cheeses like Brie or Camembert. And the chances of my ever truly understanding Primula or Mini-Baby-Bell are very remote indeed - I certainly don't think it will happen in my lifetimes."

The discovery of cheese looks set to herald a new age of Cheese-Mechanics - the Japanese have already built the world's first car designed to run on Parmesan, whilst in Europe an exciting project is already underway to build a box girder bridge over the Rhine, using a variety of mainly hard cheeses from the south of France. Meanwhile, NASA have recently launched a Gorgonzola into low altitude orbit.

The inevitable side effect of this increased interest in cheese has been a huge hike in its market value, with Wensleydale in particular having risen over 300 points on the Dow Jones Index. Meanwhile, in the UK, security has been tightened up at the National Cheese Reserves in Luton, following a tip-off that it was being targeted by a gang of international Red Leicester thieves. In fact, so great is the demand for cheese that Mozzarella is currently changing hands on the black market for over £400 an ounce.
But not everyone has welcomed the new cheese theory, particularly in the many small cheese-mining communities of South Wales, which depend on the so called 'Yellow Gold' for their existence. At present, cheese can only be made by brainy people using very complicated laboratory equipment, but it will not be long before a simple and cost-effective industrial cheese-making process is developed. I fear that this breakthrough will pave the way for the artificial synthesis of cheese, and strip them of their livelihoods.
I reassure you that scientists are presently only able to synthesise a low-grade industrial cheese and that demand for naturally occurring cheese forms will remain unchanged. Furthermore, I point out that the technology for cheese welding is still in its infancy and that as a result it would be impossible to artificially create some of the fantastic cheese structures that are found to occur in nature.

Although I'm being hotly tipped to receive the Nobel Prize for this work, and even though the full implications of my theory are still not entirely understood, it is widely believed that this discovery is possibly the single most important scientific breakthrough since Winston Screwball discovered Marmite in 1926.

Got a question for the Tangent Man? - Click here to ask it.

"Ding-Ding, seconds out & its round one"
 

OK, we all know about the great struggle that was George Bush verses the pretzel, truly a magnificent bout, with the pretzel flooring George with a knock-out in round one. History reveals many such titanic clashes: - lets look at a few shall we...?

Whilst passed out George had a terrible dream that Heaven was in fact Catholic...

Cavaliers V Roundheads Cavaliers pounced around on flashy horses, with their tight trousers and big moustaches, fighting for a tyrannical king’s right to rule by decree. The misery-loving Roundheads wanted to fight for the right to democracy (for the richest 5% of the country anyway). The Cavaliers got the woman but lost the war and fled to France, where long-haired gits were ten-a-penny. …and still are!
Mod’s V Rockers Well they say that opposites attract and this was never more so than on a 60’s summer seafront in Brighton. In the one corner the unkempt, leather-clad, greasy motorbike riding and frankly rather smelly Rockers. In the other were the sharp-dressed, Zoot-suited, stylish lads and lassies riding the most gorgeous piece of Italian styling since Sophie Loren – the Lambretta. When the whistle blew the chant of “We are the Mod’s” commenced from one end and, oh, I don’t know, some bloody Gene Vincent song from the other I spose. In the middle they clashed and generally gave the youth of England a bad name as the Mod’s gave the rockers the closest thing to a wash they would see all summer! “We will fight them on the beaches” never had more meaning for me Mr Churchill. Myself? Well I was a member of “The Lambeth Chaps” if you must know! [SN: -Typical Rocker - scary eh....]
Pagans V Christians Since time began, Europeans were generally quite happy to dance around trees and put kids into cooking pots for good luck. Then the Christians arrived and started mucking the whole thing up, burning heretics and kicking off with the Turks. After a few roastings, the Pagans caved in and lost our ancestral Sunday morning Lie-in for good.	St George V Dragon Traditional wisdom marked this one down to George a long ago. George slays dragon, saves maiden, becomes patrol Saint of England (and Greece ??). But the Pope recently de-canonised George on the grounds that he didn’t really exist. So that’s Dragon 1, George 0, assuming you believe in dragons that is. (SN: - If you don't believe in Dragons, you simply weren't about in the Thatcher era were you...)
Bruce Lee V Chuck Norris It had to come. East meets West Bruce Lee’s “The way of the dragon”, a film that was made for just one right sequence alone I might suggest! Bruce Lee, the man of the iron fist, versus Chuck Norris, the man of the Lamb-Chop sideburns. They have it out in Rome’s Coliseum in spectacular style, and it’s the Hong-King bad boy who comes out on top. Chuck gets every limb broken but like a true sportsman puts up a fight until he croaks. End of movie. (SN: - With side-boards like that he deserved to get his head kicked in. All together now, "Come and av a go if you think you're 'ard enough...")

Final though - A Whitehouse aid stated that George had been choking "the" pretzel, err, is this some strange code perhaps for a more publicly unacceptable act I wonder. We've all done (and continue in some cases) to do it after all, and the act is given many different names. Politicians over the years may have used the following to describe, err, you know, it: -
Winston Churchill:
Strengthening the Empire
Abraham Lincoln:
Addressing Gettysburg
George Washington:
Crossing the Delaware
Richard Nixon:
Begging my pardon
Marie Antoinette:
Having my cake
Julius Caesar:
Rendering unto me what's mine
Bill Clinton:
Hiring my own intern
Mao Tse-Tung:
The glorious revolution
Henry VIII:
Meeting my lawfully headed wife
Hannibal:
Waxing the elephant
Shagnasty
Wanking, hard'n'often
(Hey, at least I tell it like it is)