Shagnasty's February 2002 "The POC"
Issue Twenty Three (23)	Release Date: 1st February 2002		© PenisOwner.com 1996-2002
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A note from your Editor, Shagnasty:

Greetings once again my brothers and only friends, and here we go again. Crimbo is over and the world returns to normal. That is of course if normal involves the US bombing underdeveloped nations, the West Bank in flames and Northern Ireland at each other's throats and Britney Spears continues to claim to be a virgin - yup - like I said all is well with the world. There is one place however where none of the above is of any importance at all - The POC. That great bastion of silliness and irrelevance comes to you each and every month come Rain or Shine, Famine or Pestilence, only pausing when there is something particularly good on telly. Which is thankfully not very often these days is it? - On we go... I love you all, I really do, and I mean that in a most American way! Enjoy...

Your regular contributors, as always are: -

Shagnasty	Demonic Dave	Tangent Man
Info DL Theme Tune 1.18Mb	Info DL Theme Tune 5.1Mb	Info

Enjoy!

Shagnasty's Guide to disposing of a body.: A real you-never-know-when-you'll-need-it one this is. It's not as simple as you think you know. Come on in and be informed.

Penis Stuff from around the world: This month it's Singapore and a rather unusual job. "Understatement Alert!"

"Are you a bit on the European side?: Take the Shagnasty test to see if there are any Euro ways creeping into you. Act now, before its too late!

Shagnasty's Rant: The worlds newest invention especially for lazy gits everywhere, or pissheads who wish to recreate that "stumble home" experience.

It's tough being a man: Part II. Yep, there are even more reasons than those that I brought you last time. Amazing innit.

Demonic's Religious Comment: The Demonic shares with the group this month, in the form of a few pics from his photo album.

Penis File: A readers submission again this month, thanks to Frap. A nice little movie featuring a death-ray penis. Obviously!

Readers Feedback: Your comments in print.

Sponsors: Another name for advertisements people, well you can't blame me for trying can you?

Monthly thought: -

Run, run, run-a-way.

"Shagnasty's Dead Body Disposal Guide" *You don’t want your missus finding that in the wardrobe now do you...*
Whether it’s a noisy neighbour who’s gone too far, a colleague who was about to blow your embezzlement scam or a spouse caught putting the CD from one artist into the case of another – if you’ve bumped 'em off you have a slight problem remaining don’t you? That’s right, a dirty great body lying around – sod microscopic bone fragments in the pile of your carpet. If the fuzz see a whole person with an axe stuck in the top of their head “you’re fucking nicked my son”. It’s gotta go, but how: - some options you might want to consider, take a tip from the movies, they’ve tried them all.
Ice No amount of deodorant is going to keep a decomposing body from stinking out the place, not even Sure For Men™. So if you have to hang onto the body for any length of time before you move it it's going to need to be kept cool. Safe refrigeration is 4°C or below, and remember to keep it on a different shelf to the cooked meat.	Lime Even once you’ve buried the bugger, you’ll need to take chemical precautions against stinking out the area. Calcium Oxide, better known as “Quicklime”, lists amongst its environmental uses “solid waste disposal” – ahh, perfect. Place the body at least four feet under and then scatter the quicklime on. Watch your clothes though, it makes a real mess on non-fast colours. Quicklime is generally available from your local builder’s merchants. I suggest that you don’t go shopping for it in a blood stained shirt though. Was widely used during the London Plague by the way, lots to dispose of then I’ll bet.
Water Water remains a very effective way to hide a corpse; there’s no smell, the body breaks up quicker (hindering identification), and if you do it right there is a good chance the cadaver will never be found. Ensure that the body is sufficiently weighted as the gas produced by decomposition may cause the bugger to burst up out of the water like Red October – you don’t want that now do you? Concrete boots – the timeless classic.	Pork Scratchings The modern criminal is turning to pigs, as featured in both Snatch and Hannibal. Porkers get rid of unwanted waste; even cannibals in Fiji traditionally give what they can’t eat to pigs. You’ll need a whole farm rather than a single porker though, and they’ll need to be hungry. One pig normally eats 800 Grammes of corn and 200 grammes of soybean each day – so it will take 65 pigs one day to eat a human, which is an odd coincidence as I know a bloke who can eat 65 pigs in one day!
Chop-Chop. Chopping up a carcass doesn’t really require much skill, just elbow grease really. If you opt for the manual approach use an axe for the first few cuts to sever the big bits then move to a saw to get the limbs into more manageable chunks. If however you want to try some of those nice shiny DIY tools that you’ve never got around to actually using on your home, then a good skill saw will save you a great deal of time indeed. This has the added bonus of creating a lovely blood spray up the wall, place a canvas there and you could get some good money for it in the poncy art galleries of Chelsea. You never know, you might sell it to the mother of the bloke who provided the paint – now that would be a nice irony.	Acid Shades of the French movie classic Nikita in this one, not the lousy American remake they called Assassin though and certainly not the crappy TV series either. Anyway – Acid. As above if you are going to go for the acid disposal method you really are going to have to do a bit of chopping first. This increases the surface area of the bits and thus increases the rate at which it will dissolve. Unless you have one of Sigourney Weaver's aliens knocking about and more than that fancy having a go at getting it to agree to a blood donor session Sulphuric Acid is the stuff that you want. Don’t go buying the girly stuff though, you need 96% strength and will need to get it from an industrial supplier. It makes a hell of a stink, so wear a cloth over your mouth. The added advantage however is that it will get rid of that stubborn tide mark from around the bath.
Cannibalisation Other than the rather obvious association with Hannibal and that real-life-weirdo Russian guy who chomped his way through far too many people, this isn’t really a very viable option for the common-or-garden killers like you and me. Ignoring the fact that this involves eating the worst bits of some bloke or girl can you really imagine just how long it would take. Killing anybody bigger than Pee-Wee Herman would involve timing the death with a national day of celebration like Christmas or Thanksgiving so you could invite the family around to help you with the giant “Turkey”.	Large Industrial Strength Wood Pulping Machine (My Personal Fav!) As demonstrated in the movie Fargo this beauty really does the job. Best used outdoors as it does tend to spray the goo, also best used before the armed and pregnant police woman arrives to talk to you in a patronising manner before arresting your ass.
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Awesome Blast
12.01.2002
Never trust a meal that has the word "awesome" in its description on the menu.
"Oh my aching gut...."

International Penises

Spanking The Monkey
Spanking the monkey, err, and the Polar Bear, the Elephant and the Hippo. It's all part of the job in Singapore.

- - - - - - - - - - - -
“No more masturbation by humans!” creatures at Singapore Zoological Gardens have been told. “The animals have got too used to our curators giving them a hand to be bothered to engage in real Sex” said a spokesman for the zoo. (SN: - I thought that was real sex!)

The curator of the zoo’s sperm bank, Mohammad Binatang Bin Goncang, told reporters, “A lot of the animals wake up with a “Morning Glory”, so it’s easier for me to collect the sperm then. Each animal is different. The Polar Bears finish rather quickly because they are not used to my warm hands on their cold organs. The Chimpanzees want to be hugged afterwards (SN: - I’ve known some women like that too), but our Orang-utan is the worst – he expects to be kissed on the neck first. The elephant is tricky because of the sheer size of its thing. Sometimes I have to use both arms to tug on it. I feel like the bell ringer in a cathedral, like that Quasimodo, except it all ends in a snow scene.”

“When I was at college I never thought I’d end up affording an Orang-Utan personal relief by hand every morning (SN: - Don’t worry mate, I never thought I’d end up writing about a bloke who did either). As you might expect this job is ruining my sex life. I can’t help it; these ejaculating hippos keep floating through my mind!”

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Manners Blast
24.01.2002

Why is it that Western leaders refer to Saddam Hussein as just Saddam.
I don’t hear him call them Tony or George.
Manners!

Euro Test ~ Are You One?
1st January 2002 – “where’s all the money gone”

Well it finally happened; on the 1st of January many European countries joined the common currency. No more Marks, Francs or many others that I don’t even want to consider attempting to spell. Now we all use the same money we can nip over the border and purchase all those foreign delights from our neighbours without having to concern ourselves with tedious things like exchange rates.

But not in the UK of course! Oh no. Here in the UK we have to retain the pound – none of that European crap for us. Indeed if some national newspapers had their way we would still be using Groats or Farthings I think.

This refusal to join the common currency follows a long tradition in the UK of being in Europe but absolutely refusing to be European.

Therefore : I think a quick test for UK based readers is in order, answer the questions below and check your score.
Careful now though – think about your answers. Get the wrong score and I’ll be asking you to leave ok.

You have to admit the money looks good though eh, I'm guessing the Swiss designed it!

1. What Kind of music do you like? a. Rock b. Last Night of the Proms c. Ring-Tone style munchkin techno	2. What did your Granddad do in the war? a. Was in the RAF risking life and limb to save the free world. b. Burned out a family of Italians in the East End. c. Was in a bank vault with Swastika and American flag, hedging his bets.
3. When on the London Underground what do you wear? a. Suit and tie. b. A shaven head, “political” tattoos and a St Georges flag c. White trainers with six-inch high soles, marble-wash jeans and a pastel coloured rucksack.	4. A woman walks by – how do you react? a. Smile at her b. Fantasise about dissolving her in a bath of acid then shagging her c. Jump up from your café seat, whooping and gesticulating wildly.
5. Do you consider any of these normal? a. Eating three square meals a day b. Pies c. Eating Grand National Winners.	6. Your football team is about to play an important match. How should you treat the referee? a. He should not be approached. b. Meet him sixty-handed at the train station armed with Stanley knives. c. Get him drunk and pay for a prostitute to visit his hotel then kidnap his family.
7. When working as a waiter, someone orders a steak. How should it be cooked? a. Well done b. Boiled. With chips. c. So rare it’s still twitching.	8. Someone complains about the steak. How do you react? a. Apologise in a grovelling manner. b. Through the medium of a clenched fist. c. Sneer, wave your arms and sigh “Oo la la”.
9. What’s your usual Saturday night viewing? a. Hollywood blockbuster. b. WWII documentary. c. Four-hour game show featuring bikini-clad women and no plot whatsoever.	10. Someone brushes past you on a football pitch. How do you react? a. Keep on running. b. Turn, kick them in the nuts, and then kick them in the nuts again. c. Fall over, turn six times and cry for your mother like you're in a fucking opera.
11. Uncle Sam is preparing for his latest war. What do you send? a. Small SAS unit to do the hard bits for them. b. 16 battleships full of your hardest men. c. A pack of johnnies, and a note saying good luck.	12. At the newsagent you buy? a. Stationery b. The Mail and postcards of Diana. c. Playing cards depicting people from the 1970’s having sex.
*If you answered mostly…* A – A good well-rounded and balanced British gentlemen. Perhaps a bit open to foreign influences though, be careful. B – Pure English (not British) skinhead. We're sure you can be relied on in the next war – you’ll probably start it in fact! C – I'm surprised you could be prised away from your snail sandwich to actually read this. Clearly a Frenchman – leave now please.

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Terrorist Blast
19.01.2002

Walking down Tottenham Court Road the other day I was accosted by a gentleman of Arabian appearance. “Come here” he whispered. Curious I followed. “Want to buy this 24-carat gold bracelet for a tenner? Go on you’ll be doing me a favour” he said. When I asked him “what’s the catch then?, where should I avoid? When’s the next atrocity?”
He told me to fuck off in a broad Cockney accent then relieved himself against a transit van
A coded message I wonder?

Shagnasty's Righteous Rant
Sorry people but it's got to be done.
The Motorised Bar Stool!

Well it’s 2002 and were told that the future has finally arrived in the form of a motorised bar stool. Designed by geeks for geeks – and lazy ones at that I might suggest. “The Segway Human Transporter will not just change the way we travel but the way cities are built” is the hype that inventor Dean Kaymen spouts. But then he’s mates with George “dubya” Bush so he can’t be that clever.

Whilst I have to admit that it’s all very clever I have a basic problem understanding what it’s actually for. As I understand it has a rather limited range, speed and almost zero luggage capacity. So what does it replace – not the car that’s for sure? I can only assume that this chap has accepted the fact that Americans really don’t like walking and here we are - a device that replaces just that. Never walk again – anywhere!

Don’t you think that the national obesity level of the US is bad enough without removing what little exercise remains in your transport ruled world without having a device that will take you from your mail box and back in the morning? Perhaps you could store this thing in the back of the truck so that on reaching the doughnut shop you can use it to travel from the car to the domain of doughnutty delight. Those in big homes could use it indoors to travel from the couch to the toilet perhaps. The short walks that remain in your lives should be cherished, not replaced by more wheels.

OK, I can see an application in the UK as this scooter/bar stool mutant could revolutionise journeys home from the pub I think, as it goes 17Mph faster than the average paralytic swagger. The thing somehow detects shifts in your balance and steers accordingly i.e. if you want to turn right, you lean right. This is pretty much how I operate after several pints of heavy on a winter Saturday night anyway – I’ll just be able to it quicker. How this would work with a shaky pensioner in a strong wind is one the boffins still have to work out, but its $3,000.00 price tag should stop this being a problem for most I guess.

Oh, that and the fact that you look like a total plonk standing on the thing of course, but then again this chap looks a bit of a plonk anyway to be fair.

Got a rant of your own? Back to Index

Part II
Sung: - "Some times it's hard to be a woman..."
Like crap it is - You should try being a bloke - Now that's hard.
~ Episode Two !! ~

Men can't do things like cut each other's hair or give them a massage without making people think that they are a bit weird - or a coco shunter even.	Men cannot compliment each other on their appearance or dance with each other without making people certain you're a coco shunter.
Our shit smells worse. It's true! In fact much, much worse.	Despite current high street fashion it is STILL considered unacceptable to openly stare at breasts. We say "don't put the puppies in the pet shop window if you don't want us to think they're cute".
Every time we use a public loo we do so in the knowledge that the man next to us will be looking at our winky - although he's not supposed too.	We also know that, even though we don't want to, we will feel our eyes drifting inexorably across and downward at the precise moment that the bloke next door is having a sly shufty himself. So he's going to think you're a coco shunter.
We will, on visiting the local video store with a woman, lose. And have to watch "Pretty Women" instead of "Ninja killers" which we really wanted on account of the box cover looking so great.	The fact that we are physically larger than most females means that we present a bigger target for swooping owls and geese.
Our aspirations are mostly never attained. Spacemen, Stuntman, President or Superhero. Whereas nurse, cake-maker or mother are all within reach.	It is not automatically possible for us to obtain immediate sexual congress by simply entering a darkened bar after 10PM.
Unlike women we have no derogatory term for one of our number who sleeps with many different partners. So what are we supposed to call ourselves if we want the world to know that we're getting crazy-oats on a regular basis, eh?	Our pornography is of a much higher quality, therefore strengthening the bond between us and it making it much harder to bear when the missus throws it out / it is not returned by a work colleague / the pages become overly congealed.

Men have to run 110 metres in the sprint hurdles and women only have to run an easy 100.	And in the Heptathlon they only do 7, we have to do 10. Let us do 7 and we'll do them all in the same day.
It is actually considered more acceptable among our own gender group to push a broken beer bottle into each other's faces, than to pull hair during a scrap.	We constantly risk splashing our shoes when pissing
In the event of one's girlfriend starting a slagging match with a grizzled brute's girlfriend we are actually expected to take him on with fists and boots.	When wars happen we are the ones expected to scoop our shredded intestines back into our gaping abdominal cavity with one mangled hand whilst shouting "medic".
And when the four-minute warning sounds, rest assured that those of us left will die in the street, mentally debating whether or not to open the shelter door for you.	Even if we wished to, we would not get away with grabbing your genitalia by pleading "playfulness".
Many of our greatest talents - burping, TV movie script recall, cultivation of back hair - are all but unexploitable in the workplace.	Women have a much broader alcoholic palette from which they can imbibe, taking in as it does the likes of pomagnes, spritzers, sweet sherry and Taboo or Mirage. They all taste like piss granted, but that's not the point.
Our higher tolerance of alcohol means that it is more expensive for us to get totally skunked.	Men are statistically much more susceptible to the lure of heavy metal music - and its soft rock variant.
When at school a boy forgetting his PE kit has to run about a field in his grundies, but a girl gets to skive off round the back of the bike sheds smoking.

& finally.....

We are, as a gender, growing continually more obsolete on a daily basis as the jobs that were once ours and ours alone by tradition are slowly, cripplingly eradicated by the rampant twin rise of technology and sex as the currency of the workplace, until all we can do is stand by and gawp helplessly and numb our ever-growing feelings of uselessness and inadequacy with drink and drugs, all the while knowing that to voice one's own disdain at man's inexorable slide down the social food chain is to provoke castigation and mistrust and accusations of archaic thinking from those around you until all of your friends are gone and all you have to keep you company is a single phrase writ vast and growing like a thousand suns "What Happened To Men?"... and you will die alone.

Oh yeah, and we're much less likely to be given a pony as a present.

Got more reasons of your own? I have. Tell me yours - here

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Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.
DL Theme Tune
5.1Mb zipped MP3

"Smile, look at the lens, say Succubus...click...click"

My other hobby is photography, some churches for ya.

Demonic operates outside of the control of the POC, he alone is responsible for his comments.

(Click each picture to enlarge)

I knew it was all a bloody act!	Keep out!
America, the land of trust, justice... and the Virgin Mary on the end of the telephone!	Just one of the oh-so-many reasons I don't attend church these days.
Where else, you marketing saints you...	I guess this must be the service that Mary used eh?
Don't worry mate, I wasn't going to go in.

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Shagnasty's Penis File/Picture Of The Month

It's a submission from a reader - Frap - I don't know and can't imagine where he found it but it's a little movie (asf format) of a Penis Death Ray.

"Penis Death Ray"
Warning! Whilst the files and images in this section are intended for amusement and cannot really be described as pornography, some contain, lets face it, a penis. If you think that you might be offended, “Don’t Look Ethel”. It’s that simple.
Previous Penis Files are here.

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Shagnasty's Righteous Rant Sorry people but it's got to be done. The Motorised Bar Stool!

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment. DL Theme Tune 5.1Mb zipped MP3

Shagnasty's Righteous Rant
Sorry people but it's got to be done.
The Motorised Bar Stool!

Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.
DL Theme Tune
5.1Mb zipped MP3