A note from your Editor, Shagnasty:

Greetings once again my brothers and only friends, here is the 7th edition of the POC, and this month it is unmanned, a Mary Celeste of a web site if you will. Why? Well because I'm a'romin around the US as this is published. Causing mayhem and generally being a disgrace to my nation of birth in a foreign land, oh yes. (Obviously if you are reading this long after the publication date you can ignore the previous statement. In fact if you are reading this after the date and there appear to be no more then something went horribly wrong, remember me to my pets wont you?)

Anyway, on with the POC. Last month the UK reverted to a medieval society, no I don't mean that I had to buy my porn with cattle and chickens, I'm of course referring to the fuel situation over here. My rant this month therefore reflects my anger! Due to the tight deadline this month, because of my holiday, I've had no time to pass the POC through the Thuli spell checker (a friend, one that can spell) so I'll apologies for the errors now!
Right people, on with the POC, and remember - enjoy.

Your regular contributors, as always are: -

Shagnasty	Demonic Dave	Tangent Man
info	info	info

They await you!

Enjoy!

Shagnasty's Big Serious One:
The 1st causality of my holiday, no big serious stuff this month.

Shagnasty's Rant: The fuel situation gets a well deserved ranting. Oh yeah, the Welsh were involved of course.

Shagnasty's Two-Word Revue: The hibernating animal is reviewed as fairly and objectively as usual.

Penis Stuff from around the world: Nope! Not this month, no time. Sorry!

Demonic's Religious Comment: Oh dear, he's gone for the throat this month. Censorship advocating Bible bashers get a slice.

Tangent Man: New data storage technology, Tangent Style. (Patent Pending!)

Shagnasty's Guide to Porno Sex: I don't think so lads, you can try it if you want, but I really don't think so...

Penis File: Wow, the plant kingdom discovers Viagra?

How to win an argument: Shagnasty gives away his secrets to success, both Human & Dog are covered.

Shagnasty's Little World (Technical Specifications: In Pictures): This month, my car

Sponsors: Another name for advertisements people, well you cant blame me for trying can you?

This Space for rent!: Want to submit a section, then write in why don't ya?

Readers Feedback: Your comments in print.

Monthly thought: -

Watch a bird for a few moments!

Shagnasty's Righteous Rant

Sorry people but it's got to be done. "Hairy Arsed Truck Drivers & Welsh Bog Farmers"

As you may be aware the UK was held to ransom this month by protestors blockading oil refineries, their complaint being that we pay too much fuel duty in the UK. This is indeed correct, we pay a bloody fortune over here and any POC reader who has said hello to me on ICQ will know that it’s one of the first things that I whine about, closely followed by the lack of World Peace of course.

I don’t however support any un-elected irks interfering with my God given right to drive around my city burning fossil fuels with reckless abandon. The blockades have had a near devastating result on the nation with panic buying resulting in nearly all the petrol stations running dry within the first 12 hours, the panicking mob then turned their attention to the supermarkets with food leaving the shelves quicker than you can say “Hey who’s bought all the Maple syrup”. (Well that’s what I was saying when I went anyway!) Cash point machines and banks were emptied (obviously this one didn’t effect me so much as I keep my account in a near permanently empty state – just in case!) and to cap it all I couldn’t go flying having no fuel to drive me to the fuel-less aircraft.
Its remarkable to think that the Mad Max style post apocalyptic vision of the turn of the Millennium that didn’t happen, has actually been brought about by a few hairy arsed truck drivers who don’t appear to understand the basics of taxation. The sight of these monkeys deciding which services receive fuel was truly bizarre, surgeons get fuel but not the cleaners who clean the operating theatres it would appear. Fire appliances can have fuel but not the blokes that drive them. The definition of “essential service” is a weird one indeed, we all have our own views on essential don’t we. My life will be meaningless if I can’t get my regular supply of coffee whereas the chap in the iron lung may have different priorities. And who better qualified to determine which is more important, oh I know, lets ask a farmer shall we. After all they are the modern day equivalent of King Solomon aren’t they. I don’t know about you but if I have a problem or a question that needs answering I always seek the wise and considered advise of an over weight, burger chomping truck driver. But, hey, don’t we all.

These protestors think they have found a weapon with which to damage the government, they don’t consider however that like a shotgun it hits every other bugger nearby. I direct them to the most powerful weapon ever invented, one that each and every elected government fears more than Superman fears Kryptonite underpants. It’s called a VOTE!

Use it you ponces, many people have had to die to get theirs, some have even had to kill and then live with the fact. Don’t presume to speak for the nation, you certainly don’t speak for me.

(P.S. Then what happens, well just as things are starting to get themselves in order with 50% of the stations with fuel again a radio station starts a false rumor that the protestors are back and the great unwashed of the UK start their panic buying again. Where was this station I hear you ask? Why, it was in Wales of course!, where else eh?)

Got a rant of your own?

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Shagnasty's Two-Word Review

Hibernating Animals

"Lazy Buggers"

We humans tend to sit and complain about things when they aren't to our liking, but when was the last time you heard a wild animal whine about the vicissitudes of life? Nope, with animals you get action. For example, I don't like winter. It's cold. It's dark. Television stations show stupid mid-season replacements. Frankly, it doesn't have much to recommend it. So what do I do about it? Oh sure, I might take a holiday somewhere warm for a week or two, but by and large I do what I'm doing now, whine and complain. Would an animal do that? I think not. If an animal doesn’t like winter it doesn’t tough it out like us, no, it hibernates the lazy bugger.

Hibernation is a pretty neat trick. Half of this country can't sleep through the night without getting up to go to the bathroom, and here are some animals sleeping for four months straight the lazy buggers.

Most hibernating animals drop their body temperatures drastically, keeping themselves just warm enough to ensure that they don't freeze. This may sound pretty extreme, but some northern frog species, like wood frogs and peepers, go one better. They actually freeze. The frogs burrow themselves in the ground, pump their cells full of anti-freeze and go completely dormant. No breathing, no heartbeat, no nothing. In fact, up to 50% of the frog will freeze solid, with the anti-freeze only sparing the particularly vulnerable parts. Only when spring comes and the frost and frog melt will the heart start beating again and the frog come back to life.

While it's not exactly my style, the willingness to spend winter as a frogcicle certainly proves these guys aren’t messing around, they take laziness to a new level, double lazy buggers in fact.

Bears are the largest animals to hibernate, and for my money, they're the hands down winner for the Serious Lazy Sleeper Award, Mammal Category. Yep, there are a lot of mammals out there that sleep through the winter, but none of them do it with the same panache, the same style, and the same sheer chutzpah of a bear. Most hibernating mammals slow their metabolisms drastically, trying to get their bodies to pretend that winter isn't really so long. Not bears. Their body temperature stays high and their metabolism remains close to a waking level. The cost is around 4000 calories a day, but the way a bear figures it, if you're going to sleep, enjoy it. Don't try to speed up the clock as if all that sleeping were wasted time. Find a nice den away from the hustle and bustle of everyday live. Get really comfortable. Luxuriate. Dream of dripping honeycombs, fat salmon jumping right in your lap, and maybe an accommodating she-bear or two. Hibernation for a bear is quality time, not a chore the lazy buggers.

But the ultimate measure of the lazy bear is that they pig out completely before hibernating munching anything they can get their paws on and get good and fat. Then they go to sleep. When they wake up, not only is all the fat gone, but they have more lean body mass than when they went to bed! How's that for a concept? Eat yourself silly for weeks on end, go to sleep, and wake up lean, strong, and toned. And all you have to give up is a crummy old winter? Yes people, hibernating animals are truly lazy buggers.

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Demonic Dave's Religious Comment.

"Self Righteous Bible Bashers"
Even though I hate everybody, I don't hate anybody as much as the self righteous brigade.
They champion censorship nearly as much as they champion the "Good Book". With this in mind I thought I would share a few of my favorite biblical quotes with them.

Demonic operates outside of the control of the POC, he alone is responsible for his comments.

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled."
Ezekiel 23:20-21,

A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always..."
Proverbs 5:19 (NIV)

One day the older daughter said to the younger, 'Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth. Let's get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father.'"
Genesis 19:31-38(NIV)

Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts."
Malachi 2:3 (KJV)

But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? "
2 Kings 18:27 (KJV)

O Daugher of Bablylon, doomed to destruction, happy is he who repays you for what you have done to us -- he who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks."
Psalm 137 (NIV)

"Censor that lot then!"

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Tangent Man
New Data Technology Revealed ~ Tangent Style Basic Orderly Organized Knowledge (B.O.O.K.)
The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover! Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works...
Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS). Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

Got a question for the Tangent Man? - Click here to ask it.

Shagnasty's
"Don't Try This at Home!"
Ten trademark porno tricks that you don't want to try in the bedroom with your wife.

Women get sex education by communicating with their partners, reading best-selling sex guides and talking intimately with their friends. Men get theirs from porn movies.

Admittedly, some things you just have to see with your own eyes before trying them at home. But some other trademark tricks of the adult video shouldn't be tried at all. In the interest of health (hers) and safety (yours!) I've separated porn fact from porn fiction. At great personal expense I can tell you!

Talk is Cheap

Remove the words “dirty”, “slut”, “bitch” and “whore” from the average porn script and all you’re left with is “Hi, pizza delivery”. Which is actually more likely to arouse the average women anyway. Its not that women are adverse to talking smut – in fact, they love it when its done well – but they can always tell when you’re just rehearsing the lines from “Wet’n’Slippery – part II”. By all means butter your lady’s parsnips and tell how much you’re enjoying it. Whisper what you are about to do but only use terms that you know she will be comfortable with, and only ever issue insults that you know she is happy with and at her suggestion. “You’re looking a bit fat tonight pet” will end the evenings enjoyment in the sharpest of ways.

"How does this feel you... !?)*&%£....eh? You like that do you, you...*&$%?@~"

Err, no lads, no.

Women Need A Good Spanking

Sorry people, but that’s not always the case, sad I know! Although it’s as common as bouffant hair in porn flicks you will not be forgiven for wrongly assuming that’s its what she really wants. Full on cheek whacking is only ever appropriate when approaching the third jump at full gallop or when dating an S&M submissive. Hopefully you’ll know all to well if you are doing either.

SN: - The price of a failed attempt to spank her can be high gents, if you're lucky she'll leave you!

No Jacket Required

STD’s are an occupational hazard for a porn star. Likewise, if you’re the sort who follows their example and insists on riding bareback. Particularly dangerous when adopting the classic porno action of potting the brown and then the pink; a nasty infection is just around the corner (so to speak) so protect yourself and others with a little latex.

Access All Areas

The three-on-one, an evergreen family favourite in the world of porn, sees the lusty vixen with no orifice left unfilled. Now, unless you invite the local Judo team to share in your bounty, this is an ambitious feat to take on without battery-powered aid, and in reality often pointless or painful for the women on the receiving end (or ends). Even if the phallus overload can be “accommodated” the concentration it takes for her not to bite through your glorious organ whilst dealing with a double intrusion at the other end somewhat dilutes the effect. It’s for more intimate to be a one-man multi-tasking band. Master the art of kissing passionately while making love and, if she insists, use your little finger to stimulate other options at the same time. Remember, like chocolate, its quality not quantity that counts.

The Tongue Roll

In the absence of any script or male genitalia adult actresses lick their lips an awful lot. Don’t worry if your girlfriend doesn’t indulge in this, in fact worry if she does! This is not normal behaviour. Either she’s seen more porn than you (if that’s possible!) or her dental health is in perilous condition.

Men With Moustaches Get Laid

Yeah, right!

"Ha-loww, didn't I go to school with your mother?"

Get The Drill Out

Porn actors didn’t get where they are today because they are good in bed, oh no. A man who has a permanent erection, goes all night and keeps pace with an industrial sewing machine is useful when filming but monotonous in real life. Banging to the beat of one drum is a habit learned from masturbation (the quickest means to an end) but this is sex, not the hockey-cokey, and women expect more than the basic in-out approach. Try swiveling your hips, varying the pace, and when in the missionary position aligning yourself two inches further up over your partner. This will alter the angle of your dangle (technical term) and improve her sensation. Known as the CAT (coital alignment technique) it leaves little space for a camera crew but women find it very pleasurable indeed.

The Back Door Is Always Open

Wrong again. Not all women welcome intrusion where the sun doesn’t shine. It’s quite often uncomfortable and, when the guest is unexpected, it bloody well hurts. “Sorry love, I slipped” won’t cut it people. If you do want it that way have the gumption to a) talk it over first b) use lubrication c) be aware of the reduced capacity, and d) as mentioned never go from the back to the front without adorning yourself with a clean sheath. Follow these instructions and you’ll put the entire cast of “Anal-Ise” or “Back Boor Bandits” to shame. Or be single again!

Three's Company

Here we have the all time favourite. Sandwich, spit-roasting and girl-on-girl action… Ahh, the joys of the threesome.
Jealousy, break-ups and your girlfriend realising that she’s a lesbian… Oh the realities of the threesome.
Couples either have to be very strong (emotionally) or complacent about each other to survive the test of the trio. Even if you can, with no director to say who gets what it will most likely go pear-shaped. With two women the guy can get left out. One woman and two men and you get 50% less sex, like you need the rationing!

Sex By Numbers

Close encounters of the porn kind go something like this: - Kiss (optional); girl blows boy (compulsory); girl plays with self (compulsory); boy goes down on girl (optional); boy and girl shag (compulsory); girls face gets very messy (compulsory).

While that is one possible scenario, remember that in real life you can kiss, massage, masturbate each other and kiss various lips without oral favours in return. And believe it or not it doesn’t have to be in that order. One sitting shouldn’t have to include three basic positions; sex shouldn’t have to include penetration, and no liquid should land near the eyes.

Oh well, back to the drawing board eh lads!
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How to win an argument with a Human or a Dog
As a male, and a Shagnasty male at that, it’s vital that I get the last word. Whether it is a dude getting in my face or a hound. Here is my guide to defeating both!
(Note: The following instructions do not work on women, you will loose whatever you do. Accept it and life will be easier for you.)

Human

Be Prepared
Doing your homework is essential. You must always analyse arguments and think of what counterblast can be brought against them. Generally people who argue think too little, you think hard and you have a real and definite advantage.

Shock Tactics
Making your opponent incoherent through tears, laughter or just plain old confusion is a risky proposition but can be very effective. It doesn’t particularly matter what you say to produce the desired effect, as it’s fundamentally a diversionary tactic.
However, once they are convulsed in racking sobs, or foaming desperately at the mouth, you have the debater’s equivalent of an open goal. Take your time, compose yourself, and serve up the sucker punch.

Back Down
A good way to snatch a draw from certain defeat. The first thing you should do is concede the main thrust of the argument graciously. Having thus lulled your adversary into a false sense of security focus ruthlessly of some minor point that you insist that they have got completely wrong. They will usually agree, if only to shut you up, and you will have escaped with your ego intact.

Be Right!
The killer tactic and the traditionalists favourite. But taking this tack can be tricky; as you really have to know what you are talking about, and in the best scenario have proof to hand. But get it right and the rewards are enormous. There are few better feelings than realising mid-argument that you’re right, that you’re infallible, and what’s more everybody knows it. Under these circumstances it is acceptable to concede the last word to your combatant, so long as its “sorry”, “you are right” or “you are my Lord and all knowing master”.

Last Resort
When all else fails, and if defeat appears to be inevitable, and your opponent is reasonably small (and male!) clench your fist and smash him in the face following through with a few well-aimed jabs at his throat. Once down it is normally acceptable to incorporate kicking also.

Note: If you must take on a female remark on the size of her Butt and watch her run for cover.

Dog

Pretend to be a tree
The worst thing you can do when faced with a mad, frothing mongrel is run away. For a start he’ll probably catch you. Secondly he’ll almost certainly bite you, he’s not chasing you for nothing you know. So stand your ground. Turn your left side to the dog and talk quietly, as if addressing your Granny. Then slowly extend an upturned arm and let him sniff your hand. Remember dogs can’t actually smell fear, but they know a lily-livered pansy when they see one. So look tough, don’t worry about how you smell.

Should I aim a large stick at the brute?
Not recommended. The dog might be showing obvious signs of aggression, but this could be for any number of reasons, such as fear, territorial anxiety or simply because he’s been living on Vodka laced Ox Liver for a year. Going at him with all guns blazing (or sticks!) is only likely to darken his mood still further. Likewise staring the brute directly in the eye; if the hound is nuts already or in any way territorial, hell interpret this as a further challenge. Try asking him to sit or stay, but don’t pat him on the head.

All well and good, buts he's still coming after me
Back away, slowly! Look for a tree to climb or a high wall, or a safe in which you can lock yourself in, preferably one with a timed-release lock. Just in case he’s a clever dog! Seek out human assistance; the dog’s owner would be a good start assuming he’s not the guy shouting “kill saber, kill” from the other side of the dog. If you have anything in your possession that could act as a shield, a briefcase, umbrella, girlfriend then use it. Similarly anything edible (not your arm, though girlfriend again I suppose) could be used to distract the animal and allow you to escape.

The pedigrees Chum
So he’s going to bite you anyway. OK. The only choice now is to offer him relatively disposable parts of your body to snack on: this means your forearm (unless you have a face or groin surplus to requirements). Once the hound has his jaw wrapped round your sleeve you could try flipping him on his back and stunning him. Experts often suggest trying to pull the dogs forelegs apart, I don’t know about you but I worry about the signal this could give off to any spectators! No, your best bet is to simply exhaust the bugger. Hold him close and wait for help, or for the dog to loose interest. Resist the temptation to pull your arm away; a canine with a jaw locked on your arm is more than capable of pulling half your bicep off, especially if you provide the pulling force.

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Shagnasty's October 2000 Penis Owner Club
Issue Seven (7)	Release Date: 1st October 2000		© PenisOwner.com 1996-2000
Welcome to the World Wide Family of Penis Owners. Not a member? Welcome anyway but you can join here, if you want!
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